I've been meaning to come out to my parents sometime in the future BUT not this soon! Here's what happened... I live away from home but every weekend I spend some time at my parents cos I teach there. The last few weekends I've been feeling more and more uncomfortable being with my parents. Away from home, I can be who I am (as gay as I want :lol but when I'm with them I feel like I have to hide and pretend I'm the daughter they've always known. It breaks my heart just thinking I'm not who they think I am. Last weekend, I stayed over. During breakfast on Sunday morning I became teary-eyed because of all this emotional turmoil I was feeling. The night before, I had gone out and talked to one of my best friend for 2 hours about me being gay and all that. While it helped tremendously, it also brought up all the feelings I'd been trying to control for a long time. It made everything a lot more real. So that morning, my mum eventually noticed me crying. She asked what was up. I wanted to tell her but I just couldn't and anyway I had to leave. I said I would tell her eventually. Yesterday she called me up to see how I was. Again I couldn't bring it up and felt really bad. I wanted to but couldn't. I hate talking on the phone about anything personal. And then this morning, I had 2 missed calls from my dad and an sms asking whether it's serious and whether they can help! Agh! How do I answer that!? Part of the problem is telling them. I couldn't come up with a good reply so I haven't replied. SO, my question is: should I just tell them now? I feel like this is way too early for me to come out to them but then again, how do you know when it's a good time? I don't want them to stay worried forever. My original plan was to write a letter and give it to them at some point (when? no idea) but it wouldn't work in this case. If I do it now it'll have to be via email because via phone or sms is out of the question. I want to be able to explain everything properly. What do you guys think? I will be seeing them next this Friday - so another option would be to tell them then...
How open-minded your parents are? And can you guess how they will react when they learn it? Are you afraid of just being come out, I think escaping is no solution. You would probably come out one day, but why not now? That's a good opportunity to tell them, as they are ready to hear something different. And, to be a bit dramatic, one day it could be too late to tell them, life is short. But if you're really afraid of their negative and offensive reactions, then you may think of preparing them to the issue somehow.
I'm not sure. We've never really discussed anything gay-related or even sex-related for that matter. It's all a bit taboo in our family. My mum was raised as a catholic but she's not all that religious; my dad's an atheist. Whenever the topic has been brought up, I don't remember them ever saying anything homophobic. I think one of my biggest fears is that they won't believe me and I'll have to justify myself. I've had several boyfriends in the past and from the outside, it never looked like anything was wrong so how can I possibly be gay, right? I suck at standing up for myself and giving opinions. And I know that if they ask me questions - which I'm sure they will - I'll have a really hard time answering them. I feel like I'll have to try and convince them that I'm gay when I'm not even convinced of it myself :bang: (although pretty sure but I'm still somewhat in denial)
If you know that they will still accept you, the only thing you need to worry about is if you are sure. I saw your orientation is "Possibly lesbian!?" The best time to come out is when you're sure of yourself, and are able to say it with confidence and conviction. No maybes, no possiblies. That will make for less "Well, are you sure?"s and you won't have to come out twice if you're sure about it the first time (trust me, it's awkward). Also, when you're ready to come out, my advice is to just act like you would if everyone already knew. Then it'll be less of a shock when you tell them.
Yes, you're right. What's annoying though is that most of the times I know this is who I am and everything makes perfect sense but then some other time I question it (specially when I spend time with straight friends), it's frustrating. I think deep down I KNOW for sure that I like girls but I'm still in a state of disbelief. I keep on thinking "Do I really have to be a lesbian for the rest of my life?" So I think I haven't fully accepted myself yet and hence I can't be convinced and confident. But I'd have to wait years before I can be convinced and confident. I've never been someone with strong convictions about anything or a confident person.
Hmmmm. If you haven't put all your arguments together and got an ultimate decision, you may wait for some time to be more confident of yourself - I skipped that. As super confused said, it would be uncomfortable for you and confusing for others to come out twice. But you mustn't use it to keep escaping the truth (being aware that you might be in a denial is a great step, though). In a reasonable time, your theories about your identity will get mature and when you're ready, you could tell anyone without any hesitation.
I think I can express everything if I write it down. I'm just scared of having to talk to them about it face-to-face. In the meantime, I'll need to tell them what's wrong because I don't want them to keep on worrying. I don't want to invent some lie so the only option really is to tell them or to say that I will tell them when I'm ready to.
I'd say tell them face-to-face, if you possibly can. You could write everything down, have a look at it, and then decide whether to hand that to your parents or tell them out loud. It would be nice to be confident before you come out to your parents, but what if not being out to them is keeping you from feeling confident? Then you'd really be stuck. So just tell them.
I think that, in order to have a somewhat painless coming out experience, you have to be completely sure-- or at least pretend like you're completely sure. Avoid saying "I think I'm gay" and "I've been questioning myself for a while" versus just "I'm gay." If they ask if you're sure, you can say yes (because from what I've read, it seems like you're sure) but that you're still having a little bit of trouble accepting yourself, and you're worried about people judging you or something. That way the issue would shift to your feelings of self-acceptance, which is what is causing this emotional turmoil in the first place, instead of the actual question of whether or not you are actually gay-- because you know the answer to that. And your parents need to know that you know the answer to that. As convoluted as that sounds. XD If you don't think this is something you're ready to do, then I think you should wait, because they'll probably just end up confusing you, and it could get really frustrating.
Thanks guys for your support! I think I'll do what Farouche suggested, write it out and then take it from there... And Addie88, you made a good point. The issue is more about my self-acceptance at this stage and I think I won't fully accept myself until I know that my parents do. I haven't fully grown up, have I? :icon_redf
Virtually the same thing that happened to me. I told her that I needed to think about something and that when I was ready to discuss it, I would. 2 Weeks later I told her, and she just smiled and said "So that's what's bothering you..." I don't think there is a right time, but sometimes you have to come to the edge, and just take that leap of faith.
