Firstly, let me just state that just by asking for help and advice here I am going well outside my comfort zone but at this point of time, I am exhausted and hopeless. I am an extreme introvert who was brought up in a conservative Asian community and have never fully opened up to anyone before and this is completely new to me and, God, I hate doing this so much but I really need to put this out there before I go crazy. I migrated to California two years ago to get away from the really shitty family life I have there. I am not close to any of my family members and my parent's divorce was just making my life hell. When an opportunity to run away to California where my older sister lives appeared, I snatched it and never looked back. I loathed my parents that much that I would abandon my best friends to stay with a sister I am not close to. The problem is that I am an extremely obstinate person. I lived my life easily in Singapore, despite the family problems. I was schooling well with a good social life and a monthly allowance. However, ever since I moved here, I have encountered endless of problems while causing my sister and her boyfriend plenty of problems too. I have no car and no license which, in Los Angeles, is a really bad idea. After almost a year here, I finally found a part-time job. I take the bus to and from work and, because of my schedule, means that I am out from 1pm to at least 6pm for a 2 and a half hour shift. Working around people exhausts me quickly too. Just being around people tires me out so after working and the travel time, all I want to do is sit back and read a book. The sad thing is, I work no more than 15 hours a week so I cannot even give my sister the excuse that I am tired from work even though, mentally, I am ready to drop dead. She is pressuring me to find a second job so that I could save up some more money for school but it is just tiring me out, working with people and taking the long bus hours to and from work. I have no financial support from either of my parents because they suck that way. I would, hopefully, enroll in a community come Fall as a US citizen and while on one hand I look forward to learning, on the other I dread the hours where I would work and school at once. I know I sound immature and childish because many thousands of students are doing it and, so, I will make no excuse for it. I suppose, when I finally get my driver's license, it would get easier. Maybe. But, along with the mental exhaustion and pressure, I am lonely here. My social life is nonexistent - I have co-workers and my sister's boyfriend church group which he heads. As a female who is interested only in females, I find it hard to trust anyone from that group. I am not out to anyone here, only my best friends in Singapore and some gaming friends. It does not help that I speak only English and the church group is an international church group for students from other countries, primarily Taiwan, Hong Kong and China. It took me at least two years to really bond with my English-speaking only best friends in Singapore, and at least that long before I could feel as though I could trust them. I feel as though I have nothing in common with those students whose first language is not English and who gather every week to learn about Christianity. It takes forever and a day for me to trust someone, much less open up to them so that I can start looking and leaning on them for support. Where my family failed me in Singapore, my best friends picked up the pieces. However, I left my best friends behind and the internet is no substitute for a hug from them. Here, I am alone for the first time. That is the bulk of it, I suppose. There are still many other issues but I feel I have spent too much talking about a few of them. I am an introvert and an empathetic thinker. Getting a car would really help but would I be able to cope with two jobs that puts so much pressure on my, already, fragile state of mind? I suffered from depression with I was a pre-teen. Trying to get along with the church group is like pulling teeth because, for some unknown strange reason, just being around them pisses me off. The moment I hear some of them speak, I feel the urge to punch their faces. And my sister wants me to try and get along with with them, citing that they would be good connections for my future. I am already civil to them, despite my violent thoughts. I just do not know what to do. I have 24 hours to come up with some action plan to all these problems and more. There is so much more I want to talk about. I sincerely do not know what to do. I feel so alone and angry and helpless.
Well, I'm not sure where the 24 hour deadline is coming from, but my initial instinct is to say that you might need a little longer than that to put together a new action plan for all the things you've described. A lot of what I'm hearing here involves you not feeling like you have any control. First you had to deal with family life in Singapore, and that was only bearable because your friends stepped in to pick you up. Now you're dealing with pressure from your sister, and similar problems are coming up, and since your friends aren't here to help as much, you feel lost. You define yourself a lot here (extreme introvert, obstinate, empathic thinker), but instead of pulling strength from these identifications they only seem to be further evidence for reasons why you're having trouble. What I find more interesting than anything else is that, in order to escape family life...you went to live with a different family member. Even at the expense of leaving behind good friends. I would suggest, then, that you stop thinking so much about what your family wants for you and more about what you want. It's great that your sister wants you to socialize, but if this church group isn't doing it for you, then forcing it won't help anything. It would be better if you could find a group of people to hang around with that you, yourself, like. I realize you're living with your sister right now and pushing back too hard might create a lot of tension, but if nothing else, figuring out something that will help you feel happy and energized will be good for all concerned. You might want to try stepping out of your comfort zone a little bit more too. I can definitely, and personally, understand not wanting to open up to people, but the more you try it the easier it becomes. You don't necessarily need to pour your heart out to people, - even finding people with common interests would be a good start. LA's a big city (obviously), and there has to be more than just church groups to join. Even starting to air your thoughts on EC might help you get used to the idea of sharing the things you're thinking with others. I guess this might sound overly simplistic and "easier said than done," but hopefully the ideas are helpful at least. There are a lot of possible ways to improve your situation I think, but ultimately I think it will come down to you saying "I want [fill in the blank]," and going after it. Good luck, and keep posting!
Hey welcome to EC. Firstly I would just like to say I sympathise with the tough time you are having. It can be difficult and isolating when you move to a new place even if there are no other problems. I am assuming that there is no way you can come out to your sister? Only I was thinking that might help some of your stress but I understand its not neccessarily a possibility. My thoughts on the job front is that possibly instead of getting a second job is there any chance that you can get longer shifts at the job you already have or get a job where the shifts are longer? My thinking behind this is that the travel time is causing you grief but the travel time would be the same whether you work for 2 hours or 8 hours so perhaps that could help you. I agree that a car would help you as then your travel time would be reduced, maybe you can think of going to work as a way to get yourself a car. I agree with the above poster that if the church group isnt working then dont force yourself into it. L.A. is a big accepting city, why dont you try and find an LGBT group, this would help you make friends and gain the support group that you so desire, you dont have to tell your sister exactly what kind of group it is.
What about looking for a job that doesn't require you to interact with so many people? Depending on what kind of skills you have, you could even look for possibilities where you can do some of your work at home and not have to commute constantly. I know what you mean about having to interact with people, it wears me out too. There's nothing wrong with you, that's just the way some of us are, and it's hard for more sociable people to understand. If you don't enjoy spending time with the church group, it's probably better to avoid it as much as you can. LGBT groups aren't the only social groups available, but they can be good because you can drop in and listen and not really do anything. No one is likely to pressure you or make you feel awkward.
