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Am I transgender (genderqueer)?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by samko, May 2, 2012.

  1. samko

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    Hi there!

    I came across the term “genderqueer” only recently. I don’t know if my condition (whatever it is) ever caused me real disphoria and dissociation from my body, but I feel like this word tells something about me, and I was hoping to get some feedback from you guys. I don't really feel the urge to label myself, but, at 35 years old.., it would be nice to know who I am.
    I tried to put everything into a list, I'm sorry it's a bit long.

    - I’m biologically female
    - I have a strong aversion for female clothing, makeup, nail polish, etc... I'd rather be stabbed than put these things on. If I do, I would feel like a transvestite.
    - I don't go around visibly dressed like a man, but I only feel comfortable in male and genderless clothing. I started to love male clothes when I was a little kid. I would stare at my grandfather's collection of fedora hats, dying to try one. Same thing for ties and man suits. During carnival season, I always wanted to wear boy costumes and dress as a cowboy, a pirate..
    - when my breasts started to grow, I felt shame and repulsion. Now I try to hide it as much as possible. For a long time I thought that I was just uncomfortable with my body becoming sexually mature, and I still think that this was part of the issue.
    - when I was little, I played with dolls and also wore dresses, but I enjoyed boy stuff better (toys and sports)
    - I've always found easier to identify with male characters in cartoons and films
    - I'm totally fine with female pronouns, and it would feel wrong and awkward to use male pronouns.
    - it usually bothers me a little when people point out that I'm a female/woman, and sometimes I feel a voice inside me that screams: "I'm not a female!"
    - I don't mind having female genitals at all, but, when it comes to sex, sometimes I wish I had a penis (when I'm making love, I literally move like a man!)
    - I don't want to be a man
    - sometimes, when I’m more confident, it’s almost like I perceived myself as a man
    - I have a feminine side, which is probably the deepest part of my character and sensibility, and that doesn't bother me at all.
    - if I had a magic wand, I would change my body from the neck down to get rid of my curves (I’d like an androgynous body with narrower hips and small breasts), but I would keep the feminine traits of my face and my long hair
    - I hate being mistaken for a man, but, at the same time, I like when people recognize in me male characteristics, like a mannerism or the way I think
    - when I’m online, I pretty much always choose neutral or male nicknames, but I don’t have any problem with my real name
    - sometimes it bothers me a little when I have to specify my gender on a form or something like that

    In short, the question “do you feel male or female?” sometimes makes me a little uncomfortable and I prefer not to think about my gender. Maybe this is just because I don’t fit the cultural stereotypes.

    I know I’m the only one who can define myself, but do you think this is could be the profile of a transgered/genderqueer person? Or am a just tomboy?
     
  2. Curly

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    Hey, a big welcome for you to EC!! There have been other posts on her about being gender queer and about being transgender. It might give you some other points of view and read how others have been through the same stages and feel the same way.

    I have actually very recently decided to retire my thoughts on my gender for the time being. I got the same problem as you, I don't fit into either a male or female gender. Personally, I wouldnt consider myself transgender becuase although I have lots of male characteristics/likes/dislikes, I do still identify as a female. I have short hair and often dress like a boy, and I for sure don't mind when people mistake me for a boy becuase thats obviously how I presented myself at the time. But in general, I am a girl, with lady parts and other than wanting my chest smaller, I like my lady parts.

    What I would suggest to you is to experiment around if you can. How do you feel when you pass completely as a dude for a day? I have days when I wear a binder and some days when I have to wear clothes that accent my curves (more though necessity than actually wanting to I guess). How would you feel if you asked your friends to use gender neutral pronouns? Just give whatever you feel that day a try.

    I said I took a break from trying to label myself becuase there just isnt one thing that would fit me. I go with genderqueer just becuase it basially includes every mixture of traits possible. And I am just happy right now being the butchy dyke-y me, whatever that may be. I dont find it necessary to question why you feel the way you feel, just let yourself identify those feelings and not be pressured to fit them into any definition.

    You can feel free to talk to me whenever, if you just want to chat or rant. Its a long process and we've all been there (or are still there :icon_wink). Good luck! (*hug*)
     
  3. samko

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    Thanks :slight_smile: I think I would like neutral pronouns, but I live in Italy and here adjectives and verbs are conjugated and basically you have to assign yourself a gender every time you open your mouth! (maybe that's why I like writing in English.. :grin:) Anyhow, luckily this doesn't bother me. It only bothers me when people, in some way, blatantly point out that I'm a female, but it's something I can live with. Sometimes I try to joke around and say something like "what makes you think that I'm a woman?!", it usually ends up with a laugh, which is always a relief.
     
  4. Curly

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    well at least you can joke about it :slight_smile: I find that if I don't make a big deal of things, people don't really react too poorly and I don't get stressed as much. I don't know much about italian so I dont know. The he and she in english gets a bit annoying. In mandarin, there isn’t too much conjugation in terms of gender when you speak so that’s pretty handy.

    When you mean people blatantly say you are female? Like they refuse to call you by anything different or they question it?
     
  5. samko

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    I know, it's frustrating when they don't take you seriously. Probably I'm able to joke because my discomfort is milder than yours.


    I meant when people do something or make comments that directly or indirectly remind me that I'm a woman.
    For instance, a few days ago, my sister brought me and my brother a souvenir, just a t-shirt with a logo, and I got the female version of it. And inside I was crying: noooooooooooo, I'm not a girl. Why you keep doing this?!?
    It usually burns for a second and then I let it go. I learned to dismiss these feelings because I've always felt ashamed and because I had always thought that they were stupid and nonsense.
     
  6. Curly

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    Well, my friends started to take it seriously when I started to dress more like a boy and after I cut my hair and everything. Now the jokes they make with me are like how much I now look like a boy, and they think its funny becuase I'm obviously a girl and not a boy ? . . does that make sense? lol... they don't get it, but they will once they get used to it.

    aww, there isn't anything to be ashamed of. Your feelings are important. this is just who we are. Have you told your sister and brother about it?
     
  7. samko

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    No, I haven't told them. Nobody knows it, I'm now talking about this for the first time in my life!! yep..
    They don't even know that I'm gay (they might suspect), but lately I've been thinking to come out to my sister.

    I agree, your friends will eventually get used to it. No matter how open we are, changes and things that are out of the "ordinary" always cause a fuss. It's human.
     
  8. Curly

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    You seem very calm and composed for a person just talking about this for the first time. I'm rather impressed. I was a hot mess when I started talking about it a while back.

    Let me know if you ever need someone to talk to or just to rant a bit. I hope your sister takes it well.
     
  9. samko

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    :thumbsup: thank you!! Same to you, if you need to talk with someone
     
  10. Kyra

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    I just wanted to let you know how very happy I was when I came across this post. I am in the same boat on the opposite side of the fence (i.e. I have male genitals but don't really like the labels...)

    I was able to relate to *nearly* everything you said (of course in reverse) and it brought me great comfort to know that there are others out there like me - that is - those who don't identify with any of the labels because none of them quite fit right.

    I figured since we're on the subject I could share my version of your post (I kept your formatting where it made sense :icon_bigg)

    -----

    I'm 25 years old

    - I’m biologically male

    - I have a strong aversion to stereotypial male things, not so much clothes, but the attitude and personality. I also don't like alot of things "made for men" (male scents, and "manly" movies etc)

    - I don't go around visibly dressed like a woman, but I do try to incorporate subtle femining pieces of clothing or fashion into my attire ...emphasis on subtle... I started to love female clothes when I was 12 years old or so; I would sneak into my mom's closet when they were out and try on her clothes (dresses, slips, bras, skirts, etc) I was alwasy careful not to stretch them!

    - when my underarm hair and leg hair started to grow, I felt repulsion. Now I try to keep it extremely trimmed or shaved completely.

    - when I was little, I generally enjoyed hanging out with girls, this is something that has stayed with me my whole life. I feel I identify better with women than with men.

    - I've always found easier to identify with female characters in cartoons and films

    - I'm fine with male pronouns, and it would feel wrong and awkward to use female pronouns.

    - it usually bothers me a little when people point out that I'm a male/man, and sometimes I feel a voice inside me that screams: "I'm not a male!"

    - I don't mind having female genitals at all, but, when it comes to sex, sometimes I wish I had a vagina.

    - I don't want to be a woman permanently

    - sometimes, when I’m more confident, it’s almost like I perceived myself as a woman

    - I have a masculine side, which I don't mind, but I much prefer my feminine qualities.

    - if I had a magic wand, I would change my body from the neck down to give myself curves and smaller breasts (so I could still pass as a man, somewhat androgynous though), I would also like more feminine facial features but am fine with my face overall

    - I like when people recognize my female characteristics, like a mannerism or the way I think

    - when I’m online, I pretty much always choose neutral or female nicknames, but I don’t have any problem with my real name

    - sometimes it bothers me a little when I have to specify my gender on a form or something like that


    -----

    As you can see, very similar! Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks, and to wish you all the best. Lastly, hello from Canada :thumbsup:
     
  11. Hello! Joining the club! I am female but yeah identify with most of what you mentioned. I'd love to talk to you guys if you would like that - just helping each other figuring everything out? Feel free to add me as a friend and contacting me :slight_smile:
     
  12. PurpleCrab

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    Hey Samko!

    Somehow I think there is many many many transgendered people out there who just do with because our dysphoria is rather mild! There is also bi-gendered people who find they have traits of both genders equally and find themselves comfortable in the middle. Not to mention a-gendered people and so on...

    The point is, if you want a label, there's one that fits you.. somewhere... :wink:

    The label that fits me is transgendered because I have a woman's genitals but feel like a man, with mild dysphoria. My wife is transsexual because her dysphoria is depressing enough that she needs to move on and identify to her proper gender as a matter of life or death.

    It's really important to me to be the dad of our kids though; for the rest, I let people put on me the hats (labels) they believe they see fit. I don't really care because I have enough recognition and love at home already.

    I think any transgendered person will completely understand those "it's wrong!!" moments that you're describing though, me included. That's the peek of dysphoria, you know, the top of the iceberg if you will.

    How can I describe this..? Say, women are Goddesses to me. So powerful, so charming, so breathtakingly beautiful inside and out. I have a whole leg dedicated to my adoration of women; I have tattooed on my leg lots of warrior women. I am also attracted to women greatly as a general thing whereas only seldom am I attracted to a man. BUT...! I am not a woman. I know for sure because my nervous system isn't connected like a woman's, it's like if somebody took out my brain and spine and put it in the opposite gender's body. It barely connects... I barely feel anything, and I feel like I should be a bit taller, a bit stronger, with the opposite genitalia than this. Not that it's no good to be a woman... I'd love to be one! I mean, it would solve this problem wouldn't it?

    But I can't be a woman. It just doesn't work that way.

    That's funny because I'm a rather feminine kind of guy... I love to cook (even do bakery for a living nowadays) I paint, I read, very spiritual and all. I love to raise my kid and be a parent. I also keep my hair long. Though me not being your typical guy doesn't help people to understand at all.

    Also I find that I clash rather hard here where most trans people are venting and all, unhappy in their skin while I'm a very happy person. I've been called complacent! :O
     
  13. Pat20uk

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    "I dont want to be a man" then why do your worry? and you also dont midn your vagina... I think you just have strong manly side in your personality...
    Im a gay boy and quiet feminine and I also dislike when someone says "sup bro, you are a big man" or whatever because I'm trying to look more feminine and "cute" lol :grin: but i do not identify myself as trans, and love my penis.
    Also have you thought about that you may want to be a male sometimes because of your sexual orintation, how much easier your life would be, and everything in your personality that you think is wrong would be perceived as "normal" by society if you were a guy?
     
  14. hiddenxrainbows

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    I feel the same way. I'm okay with having a vagina, I don't wanna get a sex change. But I hate girlire stuff. I don't wear make up. And most of my clothes are dark and kinda masculine. I even have a whole drawer of ties...XD lol

    And lately, I've been questioning things a little bit. I don't just wanna call myself a female anymore, cuz I feel like that doesn't fit me. Its just really confusing cuz I'm not sure exactly what I am. I just feel somewhere in between...
     
  15. J Snow

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    Well my dysphoria stems more from an intense dedire to be female than actually hating my body. I'm just incredibly jealous of females. Of course when people are talking about sports and cars I just sit there spacing out, and I hate being treated like I should ¨be a man.¨ That's the last thing in the world I want to be!

    Everyone is a little different, but I think I fit best into transsexual, because if I transitioned, I don't think I would miss anything about being a guy. There are no pros about being male to me.
     
  16. Deaf Not Blind

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    Well my dyshoria stems more from an intense dedire to be MALE than actually hating my body. I'm just incredibly jealous of MEN and BOYS. Of course when people are talking about makeup and getting their nails done I just sit there spacing out, and I hate being treated like I should ¨be a woman.¨ That's the last thing in the world I want to be!

    And I refuse to go back to wearing dresses! So pray for me peeps! I am having a bad day today. :'(
     
  17. Pat20uk

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    ok so u dont mind a vagina or breats... but would you happily swap to have a penis and balls and be 100% comfortable with it and using it?