Howdy all. So to get you up to speed, I have come out, I don't regret it in the least, and I'm happy. But I'm just unsure how to move forward. I want to meet new friends (gay and allies alike) and even start to date. The problem is, the bar scene has never really been for me, and frankly the people at the GLBT center are a bit flaky, but I suppose I'll keep trying... I guess my main issue is that a lot of people wouldn't know I was gay unless I told them. I know that I'm supposed to "be myself" and "live as me", etc... But even though I'm out, I'm not really out, if that makes any sense. I don't advertise it, but I want to. I guess I don't know how to incorporate this newly accepted side of myself into my life just yet. I know that it will all come in time, but like any other American, I want instant gratification :icon_bigg In all seriousness though, how do I put myself out there? What did your initial "being out" look like and how did it evolve? Of course I appreciate any and all advice and anecdotes!
As I have said previously, being able to "pass" and get assumed heterosexual is both a blessing and a curse. For me, I am comfortable being out to whoever, but I feel no need to broadcast it, where "broadcasting" is defined as injecting it into the conversation where it's not appropriate. I don't introduce myself as bisexual either. It depends on the context; if we're talking about love and partnerships, I'll happily come out. I think it is a mistake that many people seem to think coming out is a duty. (It's complicated, we say that people should only be out if they feel safe, but at the same time they are encouraged to come out as much as possible). If you want to be open, I think that you should just pick creative and appropriate ways of doing it. I hope you have a fun and rewarding journey.
I appreciate your advice Pret. I read somewhere that this is one of the "stages" of coming out; that is finding a way to meld the new identity into the rest of my personality. And I agree that just forcing it into the conversation isn't right either. I will mention it only when pertinent (this is actually a conversation I had with my parents on how to approach it with extended family members, and we came to a similar conclusion). I think its just a ton of suppressed energy and emotion that is looking for some outlet, and I'm still looking for the appropriate outlet for me. So I guess, in addition to what I asked earlier, what are the outlets that some of you have found?
This is what worked for me since I decided to come out and actually start dating a guy. I started to go to every gay-related meet up or social gathering that reflected my interests. I'm fortunate that I live in a big city so there's a lot to chose from. A few months later, I now have my first boyfriend. I met him back in February at a Gay Geeks trivia night. Things just developed naturally from there. He took the initiative of asking me out as I don't think I would have, so for that, I'm grateful, but the very fact that I'm putting myself out there now is such an improvement. Try websites like meetup.com for your area or contact your local college or city LGBT center to get information on upcoming events or gatherings. See if your city has a Pride Gathering and get involved. If you have a religious following, see if there's a church with a gay mens' or womens' group you can join. Bar scenes are rough. It's not something I can do by myself. Talking to some of the gay friends I've made in the last few weeks, #######.com seems to be the choice for finding stable friendships and relationships instead of hook-ups and one night stands.
Not many unfortunately. I am not out to people mainly because I am single. Not having a partner to mention makes it kind of difficult to be out without seeming contrived. Sometimes, I have commented on how beautiful a guy is (and I make it a point to use precisely that word, because handsome is a word straights use) whenever women do in a group I am talking with. Another opening sometimes pops up when singles talk forlornly about not having prospects. "Any luck with the ladies?" "Nah, *takes a swig of his drink*, how about you?" "Nah, no luck with the guys."
Thanks for the responses. I'll give the gay-related social events thing a go. And I love the scene you related Pret, it's actually happened to me once or twice, and I just love the reaction
I joined the lesbian choir where I live. Look into activities that meet regularly so that you have a better chance to get to know people over time, and an activity to focus on so that things aren't quite as awkward socially. It's a bonus if it's a team or something that has the word "Gay" in the name of it, because then you can mention it to people in regular conversation as a way of coming out. If you don't have a partner, or even past partners, it can be difficult to come out in a casual way. The more involved you are in gay-related things, the more it will casually come up in regular conversation. As in, "Oh, I can't that night, I'm going to my gay men's book club." And then you can just act like, "what, you didn't know I'm gay? Everybody knows that..." (Most people try REALLY HARD to disguise their reaction. They mostly fail. It's kind of funny, to be honest.) In fact, a lot of people try to pretend they DID already know.
One thing that worked for me, is to let my friends know there was no real moratorium on letting other people know I was gay. If it comes up in conversation, even if I'm not present, then they have perfect liberty to out me. That might sound massively scary at first, relinquishing control over such an area of your own life. And it is sometimes weird being introduced as "My gay friend Filip. Who's gay, by the way. Did I mention he was gay already?" (Okay, they don't say it like that. But they will usually bring it up in the first few minutes of the conversation). But I've had nothing but good results with it. In fact, just last weekend, at a wedding, that got me a guy to dance with. Not gay himself, but with gay family members, and once one of my friends mentioned I was gay, he just decided I at least deserved one dance with a guy. On another occasion, a friend of mine introduced me to a female friend of his whose dad was gay. That was a pretty interesting conversation and I think we both learned a lot through it. And since my friends are generally more social than I am, that means I effectively don't have to come out to any new people I meet. Plus, the fact that my friends talk about it freely apparently sends the message to other people that it's not in any way a risky subject. Okay, I haven't met a lot of gay people that way. Just a lot of allies. But I can assure you knowing more and more allies is pretty awesome in and of itself. Starting to meet more actually gay people... I'm not really feeling the urge to go out and socialise with gay people just because they are gay. I'm mainly hoping to meet some more through the friend method above. So I can't help you with dialing up your dating efforts, I'm afraid. The above is, obviously, very friend-dependant. It helps if your friends are extroverts. And doubly so if some of them have an infinite fascination for what it's like being gay, as one or two of my friends have.
