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I am literally in your exact position right now. I'm out to all my friends and my mom, but my dad is the one person I just can't tell and probably won't unless I have no other choice. I'm also ok with this because I know our relationship is better off that way and as long as I have other support I'm fine. Being bisexual makes it a little easier, but the point stands.

I also pretty much am like your typical straight guy, none of my male friends had any idea before I told them. I was so happy with all this, then started second guessing myself, getting all these weird thoughts that maybe I moved too fast. I've learned that in short, yes you are overthinking. I know the feeling that you have to subscribe to certain behavior, but this isn't really true. I know it's cliche, but you have to be yourself, and finding what that really means is hard.

It's also hard for me because I've always been kind of shy and reserved until recently, so trying to be more involved with people feeds into this discomfort. Whenever I get those thoughts I forget about it and although I have started picking up a couple what you would call "gay stereotypes" it feels natural and has made me more comfortable.

 

I'm much like you in the sense that, even after coming out to quite a few friends, nobody in the world would ever assume my sexual orientation. I still struggle daily with second guessing myself on speaking too soon and such, mostly because I'm still trying to figure myself out. My best friend is very accepting but I can tell his discomfort if the topic comes up - we choose to avoid it for the most part.

I think, ultimately, you shouldn't try to use sexual orientation as a primary distinction in your identity. In other words, being gay is just one facet that makes you. Like having blue eyes, lobed ears, or dark hair - you don't have any need to change your behaivor, fashion sense, or otherwise just because you came out. Be yourself - that's all anyone should ever expect of you.

 

Hi Shyvin

Maybe you have trained yourself to act straight all these years and now that you have come out, you are still uncomfortable breaking down that barrier to be more yourself. Like society has an enormous impact on how males should behave i.e. boring (lol) so yeah try to loosen up a little and take that wall down bit by bit. I'm not saying this is definately what the problem is, its just a suggestion. If that is really how you are then great, there is nothing wrong with you

 

I don't think it's weird at all, really. And not even offensive. After coming out, I really found myself in a somewhat similar situation.

I think it has to do with the fact that, after trying to fit the straight stereotype for so long, and continuously feeling like you're falling short of it, it can be quite flabbergasting to find out that after coming out... you don't really fit any stereotype at all.
Of course, officially no one wants to fit a stereotype, but that doesn't change the fact that it can seem damn easy to fit one sometimes.

And on the gay front, lacking any stereotype can feel like you have to find out your very own way of being gay, instead of neatly fitting into a box.

To be honest, sometimes it still feels like I'm balancing two perspectives. With straight friends, I can't share a lot of stories about the past. Being in the closet means I had a somewhat different experience than they had. But after coming out I'm much closer with them and i end up making (and executing) plans to hang out with them all the time.
With gay friends, I have a lot in common when discussing the past, up to coming out... but not really any "gay experiences" afterwards. I definitely stop feeling connected when they start trading anecdotes about gay clubbing or the like.
(luckily all of my gay friends have other interests in common with me, so we end up hanging out a lot too. Just not really discussing any gay topics while we're hanging out, though).


On the bright side... most of the awkwardness does disappear in the end. Took me about a year, but in the end, I learned to just do what I wanted to do, hang out with the friends I wanted to hang out with, and treating my gayness as just this one thing about me that makes me stand out a bit. By now we can move from discussing a movie, to "does Filip find the bartender hot?" and onwards to discussing music in one swoop without it seeming in the least awkward.

So my best advice would be to just do what you would have done anyway, hanging out with the same friends you always hung out with, and just treat the topic of you being gay (if it comes up at all) as one more normal topic of conversation. Once it has come up a couple of time, it will become less and less of a big deal, even to yourself.

 

Sorry, after typing it all out I discovered that this is hella long..
The way I see it being gay defines one thing, and one thing only; you're a boy who likes boys. It doesn't mean you need good fashion sense or a limp wrist or any of that. So in truth as long as you're still a boy who likes boys then no, you're not "failing to live up to it" you're doing perfectly fine.

As for feeling like you need to fit a certain stereotype, this is definitely a common issue and not just among gay people. Straight guys get pressure to be masculine all the time, children of minority and/or low income students feel the need to conform to "troublemaker" labels that teachers might place upon them. Basically it's not weird at all to feel this way but as cheesy as it sounds, you need to "just be yourself."

Personally I'm one of those people who do not fit the gay stereotype at all but I've been lucky in that I find no problems with it. If I ever feel differently all I do is remind myself "This is who I am. I don't act gay or straight, I act like myself. I act like I've always acted." On the other hand I'm currently working on being a little more open with it and getting out there into the "gay scene" but my personality should not be the thing that needs to change.

Another thing I like to think is that I find straight guys attractive and I crush on them as many other gay people do. Now imagine that you were crushing on a straight guy and then you find out he's actually gay. That would be awesome right? You could be that guy! Boy be crushin' on you and SURPRISE I'm gay :eek: blow his mind.

Sorry for rambling but I hope it helps a little.