So here is my story I wouldn't say Ive had the hardest life but its pretty fucked up and twisted. Ok, so here it is Im unable to forgive my mother for what she has done to me. She has twisted me into a desensitized asshole who no longer has emotions because of the day by day emotional beatings I have had. I would be called fag and told countless times that I need to date woman because its the only right thing because that's how god would image it. No most of you would say yeah some cases are normal here is where it gets tricky. The bitch a couple years earlier asked if I was gay and I denied it because I didnt want to deal with it because I could not handle anymore stress my freshmen year of high school. I literally probably tried to kill myself more times then I could count that year, and thankfully I didn't cause I probably wouldn't be here. But anyways she would have been fine with it, and freshmen year she was diagnosed with Hep C and had to receive chemotherapy and I was there helping her all the way through. Trying to make things easier. And when I came out to her and poured my feelings to her she blamed me and called me sick. I went through hell the next couple years until I graduated and had a stable job and moved out for Im a welder now in an apprenticeship, and I talked to her one day. I told her Im tired of lying for your pleasure and benefit this is my fucking life not yours and if you really dont accept me for who I am Im out that door and you will never see or hear from me again. I told her I was willing to change everything my name, number, live in a different state, cut all ties from the family I had. She had to call her sister who in which her daughter (my cousin) died of a rare diesease and asked what she should do. My aunt replied by bitching her out for even thinking about losing me for she lost her daughter not by choice and my mother has a choice and she was thinking of having me leave. She decided Im important to her and I should stay, but there are some of the slip ups where Im called faggot and berate, but what Im getting at its been a year and I cant forgive her I want too but I just dont think I can. All the pain she has given me twisted in a way that I dont like but I cant change who I am now. But I wanna know if there is an easier way to forgive or a faster way because it seems like I have not gotten anywhere. leave me some comments. Id love to hear back from some people.
I know I am going to catch shit for this, but I just have to say it. Don't forgive her. Some things are just not forgivable. What you have experienced is in this class of things. There are a lot of people on this earth who love you and will come to love you. Not forgiving people is not saying you don't think they can change. It's you saying that you don't have the energy to wait for them to change. In my opinion, we pretend too much that everything is forgivable and should be forgiven, and I think that does a lot of damage to people. We can only forgive when we can ever get over the error, the hurt and the damage. If you can't get over that, and if you can't ever see your mother as a person who really deep-down cared for you, then saying "I forgive you" is just going to be something that you say and pretend to believe only because other people will dehumanize you as a person who doesn't forgive if you don't...
The above advice is, quite simply, some of the worst advice I've ever come across. I would suggest that it will not in any way be helpful, and, for that matter, does not even address what the OP was asking for. Particularly if you know you'll catch shit for it... perhaps you would be better off to simply not post in such circumstances. To the OP: Here are some thoughts that are hopefully more helpful. The psychological -- and medical -- literature is very clear that when we hold onto anger and resentment about things that have happened to us, the effect on us is profound. It can have a long-term physical effect on immune response, and it certainly has an effect on our emotional health and well-being. So, Fox, you're absolutely right in wanting to forgive her. Victor Frankl, a brilliant psychotherapist and holocaust survivor who spent years in concentration camps, wrote extensively about forgiving the unforgiveable in "Man's Search for Meaning." If you're a reader, you might find it an enjoyable and powerful read that will resonate to some of your experiences. So that's one place you might start. On a more practical level, understand that forgiveness is not about "getting over the error the hurt and the damage." Instead, it is recognizing that human beings are inherently imperfect. No human being starts out life wanting to harm others; those, such as your mother, come about their negative beliefs as a result of pain and injuries they themselves have experienced... and, in most cases, that they have either not even realized the harm their injuries have caused them, or have not been able to forgive. So by not forgiving, you are doomed to repeat the cycle. That, alone, can be a powerful motivator to move yourself to a place of understanding. Additionally, as you are able to look at your mother as a deeply flawed individual, you may find a place in your heart where you can feel compassion for her; people who grow up loved are loving people. People who grow up without love often end up the way she did. The very fact that you understand the need to forgive is an indication that, somewhere, you realized the importance of love and kindness. One other thing that can help is to write a letter that you never send, telling her how you feel, and how she's hurt you, and what effects it has had. Just the process of getting the feelings out can be very cathartic, and if you are able to see her as someone who didn't have adequate love and acceptance growing up, you can perhaps begin to take a different view on what she's done to you... and in so doing, you open yourself up to feel more compassion toward her. Finally, give it time. I think as you explore it with some of the above perspectives, you'll find your own feelings toward her changing, and as that happens... it will be much easier to forgive.
In the US, we're steeped in Christian ethics. There's nothing wrong with that, much of Christian ethics is good. But the problem is that we're rarely exposed to the idea of other ideas of what is and isn't right and wrong. On the question of forgiveness, Christianity takes a position far more extreme than any other religion's: Christianity says that we must forgive those who oppress and harm us, not only forgive, but love. Our culture, as such, tends to believe that the only way you can move on from being abused by someone is to forgive that person. This is not the only approach to forgiveness. In Judaism, it is impossible for a person to forgive an offense against them unless the offender had apologized to them and asked for forgiveness. Absent an apology, there is no requirement, no expectation, of forgiveness. Not only that, but the offense cannot be forgiven by God without first being forgiven by the person it was committed against. Murder, therefore, is the only unforgivable crime in Judaism. The truth is, it is possible to move on from being treated poorly without forgiving that person. You can learn to shift your attention away from the abuse, you can focus on the creation of a new life, and you can leave the abuse in the past. A therapist may be able to help you with this. tl;dr: Forgiveness is not a moral duty in all cases, nor is it necessary for moving on ---------- Post added 4th May 2012 at 01:58 AM ---------- I should add, wrt Chip, that you should definitely try to understand where your mother was coming from and why she acted as you did, I just don't think forgiveness is a necessary part of that.
Although you have no duty to forgive, the fact that you actively attempt it demonstrates an inner dilema going on in where a part of you want to forgive, and another part of you can't let go of the ways you've been wronged. It is not important that you end up forgiving, but it is to end up with these two opposite parts of you at some common ground. Imagine yourself separated into your two-halves. Find out what is the ultimate reason or goal that each of these two personas want by having what they want. i.e. What does the half of you who wants to see your mother forgiven want to achieve? Is it possible that he simply wishes to move on to create a happier life? Ok, let's assume for a moment that the answer is yes. Now, ask the other half who can't let go what he wants. Does he want to see emotional vengeance? Now your mother is clinging on to you for fear of losing you based upon her sister's advice. Do you want to see her suffering the emotional damage of losing you so that you can obtain the satisfaction of revenge for all the emotional damage that she caused you? Let's pretend that was the case. Now, it is time to reconcile these conflicting desires; to emerge as one. It is important to see that by having a dangling desire to achieve vengeance is an unhealthy characterization of the self more-so than a characterization of the true nature you've been hurt. To want revenge is to think of yourself always as a victim; and you can't move on, not truly, if you can't lose the perception of being the victim.
I will say that it is very difficult to forgive someone who is still hurting you. Since you say that your mother still periodically calls you names and berates you, it may be that you will have to distance yourself from her before you will be able to forgive her. (Forgiveness, in this sense, does not mean acting like it didn't happen, or even letting her be any part of your life, necessarily. It just means that you don't hold on to your resentment and anger--you reach a point where you hope that she's doing well and happy, even if you can't be around her.) Really, you need to forgive her in the sense that Chip is talking about--letting go of anger and resentment so that it is no longer a toxic influence in your life. But this does not mean that you act as if she never hurt you and let her continue to do it. It isn't actually true that Christianity forgives unconditionally. Forgiveness is conditional on repentance--usually, on remorse and repentance. Remorse is knowing that what you did was wrong and feeling genuinely sorry about it; repentance is changing your behavior. In order to be forgiven, you have to be sorry, and not do it again. This requirement is institutionalized in our parole system, for example: in order to get parole, convicted criminals have to show remorse, and a condition of parole is that you don't go back to the same bad behavior. The underlying idea is that, when people have truly changed, they should be given second chances. The emotional aspect of forgiveness is a separate thing from whether you give someone a second chance. Anger and resentment are signs that there is still an unresolved emotional wound. The reason you are angry is that you are still hurting. So, the emotional side of forgiving has to be done for your own well-being. But if she doesn't see that she was wrong, and she hasn't really changed--if she still doesn't support you the way you need her to--then there is no reason to keep giving her more chances to hurt you. From what you said, it seems like your mother has not really become more accepting of you. She sometimes still calls you "faggot" and berates you. She has not really expressed remorse, and there is no reason to think that anything is going to be different. I think that, most likely, in order for you to be able to forgive her, you may have to distance yourself from her significantly. I don't know that you should "cut all ties," certainly not with other people in your family who may be more accepting and supportive, but you probably shouldn't spend too much time with someone who keeps hurting you. It's possible that someday, she will realize how wrong she has been, and she'll be able to accept you and love you for who you really are. If that happens, you can think about whether you can trust her enough to have a closer relationship with her. For now, it seems that the best she can do is to tolerate your sexuality--and that only most of the time, while sometimes she slips up and calls you nasty names. That isn't good enough. She has to actually realize that she was wrong. Otherwise, you have to distance yourself from her. If you don't, you won't be able to move past the hurt and anger and resentment, because she is still hurting you. Forgiving people, in the sense of letting go of bad feelings, does NOT mean allowing people to keep hurting you.
man if that was me i would have left her long time ago, things happen in life for a reason, they make you who you are, they build your character, your mum is a parasite and this is coming from the way you described her. i agree with Pret Allez, you dont have to forgive her, its your choice as an individual, you need to confront her about this, it is not cool to put down your own son because of something you cant control, that's not love, not love at all. and i agree with chip aswell, but i believe that only happens when you are mature, when time has passed by and you dont feel the resentment because you arent exposed to the negativity anymore, i think its just part of being human, to try and better yourself, the way i see it is if someone killed someone close to you while he was drunk and driving, your not going to forgive him right away, its a gradual process. if and when you have the guts just stand up for yourself the next time she decides to put you down, give her a wake up call
I'm not the authority on your emotions, but I'm pretty sure you do still have emotions. What gives you the impression that you haven't? Are you in the habit of hiding them? You can change some aspects of who you are. It won't undo the past, but you can take control of your future self, and become who you want to be. What would you change, if you could change whatever you liked about yourself (except your sexual orientation)? I think it will be a lot easier to forgive your mom once you've recovered, at least partly, from your experiences with her.
