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Being gay is ruling me

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Lewnatic, May 4, 2012.

  1. Lewnatic

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    I'm 19, and I feel like being gay is controlling my life. I know people say that your sexuality doesn't define you, but when it comes to homosexuality...I'm beginning to think it does. At least with me. Maybe it's something I'm doing wrong.
    Everything I do these days seems to link to me being gay, and it's consuming me. I don't want being gay to have to be an issue with me, but it is. I'm not strong enough to deal with it anymore... I don't think I can face a life of judgement, feeling like I'm the abnormal part of society. Sometimes I wish I could just be a girl so my sexuality wouldn't feel so irregular, to myself and others, but I have no transgender feelings and don't think I'm trapped in the wrong body.
    Does life get better?
    What am I supposed to do about this self-pitying internalized homophobia? I just want it to end. I want to move on with my life, but I don't want the moving on to have to be so closely linked to me being gay. It shouldn't have to matter!
     
  2. TyRawr

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    Im so sorry for what is going on right now, I can understand how mixed up you must feel. On a lighter note though, the fact you are able to see there is some fear attached is promising, in that you are able to make the connection this fear is what is making you feel so mixed up. Perhaps your fear lashing out; for whatever reason your fearful side is clinging to whatever it can to try and prevent you from being vulnerable. To me, it sounds like there is some shame immeshed in there. Shame is easily defined as the "fear of connection" or the feeling of "not being enough" (smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough, straight enough, whatever), and often times when we can get past that it is the feeling of "who do you think you are?" (I know you dont really accept yourself, I know you dont believe what you are telling people, I know your mom doesn't really accept who you are, whatever). The hardest thing about shame is that it is detrimental to connection, and the less we talk about it the more we have, and inherently, the more we talk about it the less we have. As you have said, this is "internalized homophobia" the fear of being who you are, gay. What could be more shameful? Perhaps the question you should be asking is a personal one: How can I love myself? Being strong does not mean living void of vulnerability, actually it is the reverse, strength comes from vulnerability. Having the courage to come-out to someone, to ask someone out on a date first, to initiate sex for the first time, to apply for a high position in a work setting (to take any risk without knowing the outcome for certain and letting that be ok)

    Maybe when you explore yourself more, and are able to see what it is that makes this internalized homophobia so strong, then you will be able to learn to love it more. What you see as imperfections are actually gifts, they are what makes you interesting and unique, however if you deny these gifts you will never be able to appreciate them completely in anyone you meet. So in having this self internalized homophobia you might never get to a place where you have have a healthy relationship (friendship, or anything) with a gay man where you are completely accepting, if the shame is not addressed. What we dislike in others are things we are insecure about in ourselves. That is where homophobia comes from, not being secure about one's own sexuality. However, knowing where the fear is coming from is the first step in disassembling it. When you do that, you will be able to truly accept and love yourself :slight_smile:

    I hope I was able to help some,
    Sending love,
     
  3. Lewis

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    I think what people mean is that it shouldn't define you, but often it really does. How many times do you hear people going 'that gay guy' or 'the lesbian girl' etc. not just, the girl. It most definitely defines you, but definitely shouldn't.

    Hopefully it will get better in time.
     
  4. TyRawr

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    Being gay is not something that has to the only thing to define you. It is ok for it to define a piece of you, but only a fraction. We are all far to interesting and beautiful to be simply defined as just "gay." That is a consciousness that you accept, I however will not.

    Lewnatic, perhaps the other reason you feel this way is because being gay has been something that you have been dweling on for so long, so it is easy to only identify with that. However, there are so many other beautiful things about you, I am sure! :slight_smile:
    As I said, identify what is making you fearful about your sexuality, and work on that. It is the first step towards acceptance, in the process I am sure you will discover many other things you would like to be noticed as. Perhaps you like music? Or cooking? Or whatever, it does not have to be singular to who you are.

    When you let being gay simply define you, it will. However if you choose to not let it, then it wont.

    Sending love again!
     
  5. BudderMC

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    I find it kinda funny that you actually wish you were transgender... because I think (and I don't know if anyone agrees) that's probably a lot "harder" within our society than being gay. :lol:

    No, things shouldn't have to matter. Unfortunately, with the current state of society, they do to some extent. But the thing is... no matter how far advanced our society gets and how accepting we all become, there will always be someone judging you for something (not strictly sexuality). And really, there is nothing that you can do to justify changing yourself so that they stop looking at you "that way".

    The only advice I'm going to give is well, keep being yourself. That sounds ridiculously hard right now, I know, but you SHOULD NOT be sacrificing your well being for someone else's opinion. And really, what do you care what some stranger thinks? If they're concerned with your life, then it is them that need to do some re-evaluating of their priorities. And if you feel like you're being "judged", well, people trying to scorn you don't succeed if you don't react. So ignore them. :slight_smile:

    I'm not gonna lie, I disagree with the whole "being gay shouldn't define us" idea, because honestly for most of us, it does, just from being a well-kept secret for so long. The significance of something that haunting doesn't just disappear overnight, just like if you asked anyone else who had a "deep, dark secret" they'd still tell you they think about it. It's fine to let it define you, because it is a part of you. The trick is not letting it be a big deal :slight_smile: