I’m a 22-year-old guy and I’m 95% sure I’m gay. I would be the other 5% sure too, if I would let myself. I have a million reasons why not to let myself accept the fact. Not that any of them is reason enough to go on feeling the way I do, but try telling me that. One reason why I’ve had a hard time accepting my sexuality is because I haven’t always been gay, or at least I haven’t always felt gay. I was never a believer in the ever-toxic cooties; rather, I fell pretty hard for a couple of girls pre-puberty. Until recently, I always thought of myself as a believer in things like true love, love at first sight, and that there is one person out there for everyone. Corny as it may be (everyone has something like this from their childhood, whether they’re willing to admit it or not), I was re-watching my favorite show from my younger years, “Boy Meets World,” recently and I realized that it was because of couples like Cory and Topanga that I developed the thoughts about love that I did. Needless to say, when I wasn’t married by the time I turned 19, I was forced to start re-thinking my outlook on love. Another issue I have with coming out of the closet is that you can’t go back in. You have to be 100% (or more) sure of yourself, what you’re looking for, and the path that you want your life to take before you do because there is no turning back. What I wouldn’t give for at least one other person to know the feelings I’ve trapped inside for so long, but I’m overwhelmingly plagued with the thought that I would later change my mind and what kind of person would let someone marry and spend the rest of their life with a person knowing what they know about that person? I suppose the fear of changing my mind stems from how I’ve comforted myself for a long time with the thought that if the right person came along, male or female, then that’s how I would know for sure if I was gay or straight. I’m slowly starting to realize, however, as girls that I could potentially be attracted to and ask out come along, that the prospect of being with—and especially spending the rest of my life with—a woman just doesn’t excite me. At least not as much as the idea of being with a man. I’m not particularly outgoing. That’s why I’ve tended to blow off my lack of enthusiasm about women as shyness. If that were true, it wouldn’t make sense then that just the thought of having a boyfriend gives me butterflies in my stomach—the good kind. It’s a feeling I’ve tried to suppress for close to ten years now. It’s weird to think you can be in denial about something for that long—just about half of my short life; time sure does fly. It’s understandable that one wouldn’t catch on to something like this while in the midst of puberty; it’s hard to tell what’s a short-term hormonal imbalance and what feelings you can trust to stick around for the long haul, which helps explain why I’m only just catching onto how long I’ve felt the same way. Still, it makes it a hard concept to grasp and ultimately difficult to accept who you are. Also making my sexuality difficult to accept (and in reference to how I inferred earlier on about being gay being a choice) is that I don’t really want to be gay. I’ve done so much to try to jerk myself out of the rut that I considered at least feeling gay was. In high school, I tried dating girls to see if the love would come, but it didn’t. I’ve tried making more guy friends to see if that was the dynamic I was missing in my life that I was mistaking for homosexuality, but I always ended up starting to fall for one of them, at which point I would pull away. It just doesn’t help that I have one of those families and live in one of those communities that are especially not a fan of the gays. Not to mention that I’m pretty close to my family, they are pretty much all I have, and I would hate to risk losing that close-knit relationship for a chance at a relationship that doesn’t exist yet, not that never having that someone special to spend my life with would make me happy (see: a rock and a hard place). Due to certain characteristics of my personality, I feel like I would be the kind of boyfriend that would do whatever it takes to be with the one I love. Of course, you can’t find anyone while you’re still in the closet. More and more, I am definitely beginning to understand the importance of being confident and comfortable in your own skin, both in general and when it comes to attracting someone, which is why I’m trying to sort through my thoughts and get to a place where I can accept who I am. Not being that cookie cutter version of yourself that the world expected you to be or who you thought you were going to be is a big pill to swallow, but I think it’s important to come to recognize the person you are becoming and learn to love them. I wrote this, first and foremost, to get as much as I could on the subject off my chest. I hope too though that someone out there reads it who has felt this way or is feeling this way, to any extent, that has some kind of thought to add that might be helpful. I know I’m not alone in most, if not all, of the way I’m feeling, but when no one around you is either feeling this way or willing to admit it, it sure feels lonely.
I went through everything you're currently going through. One of the hardest parts of coming out is first coming out to yourself, and then learning to accept that fact. I'm about to turn thirty years old, and I've struggled with it for a very long time. I realized that I was gay much younger than you; around the age of eleven. I live in a community very similar to your own, with a family very much like your own. I'm just now ready to start coming out of the closet. Everyone has their own pace. Some people come out of the closet as young teenagers, and others near the end of their lives. I can tell you this much, though; until you accept and love who you are, you'll never be happy. There really is no easy advice to give; it's a personal journey that only you can take. You have to be able to look in the mirror, learn to like what you see looking back at you, and live with the decisions and choices you make - right or wrong. You only get one chance at life. Then it's all over.
Wow, that was allot of your chest I can understand how lonely you feel right now, and as you said, many of us have experienced allot of what you are going though, so let me be the first to tell you We're sorry, and its ok! Welcome to EC, this is a great place to get the tools you need to grow really fast, and we all are here for your love and support. A few things you said stuck with me: First, you said you were pretty sure you were gay, and the only part of you that isnt is that way because you are afraid of whats on the other side of the closet door. Remember that when you come out it doesnt have to be dramatic. You can simply tell people you are "not striaght" and when they ask what that means you just tell them that you dont know, or that you are attracted to guys, and just dont know what else to tell them. Second, as you have obviously learned already being gay is certainly not a choice. Homophobia and acceptance, however, are. Your sense of worth and belonging comes from your ability to connect, and when you're not able to connect in the way that is natural to you then you feel pretty worth-less. So being out for many people is a pretty big step to gain that respect back for themselves. No matter how big or small the changes you make are, just remember that this is all temporarry, and that the initial fear of what could happen will only last for a brief moment in your life. Being out feels really good, and you will get there when you are ready. There is something that I learned recently in my life as I have grown as a person, and as an adult: God never gives you more then you can handle, sometimes he will give all that you can handle, but never more. Everything you are going through is meant to happen, and when you set the intentions to make changes and prosper in your life then spirit/god/whatever will help you achieve that. Sending love,
Just want to thank you guys from the bottom of my heart for your heartfelt messages. I did have a lot to get off my chest and I've never done anything like this before, so you don't know how much I appreciate that you just took the time to read what I wrote and respond at all. The fact that guys like you exist gives me hope.
There is always hope. Even when things are at their worst it is temporary, all things eventually pass. The hardest part is making it through to the other side. What you are going through isn't unusual. So many people here and in the LGBT community as a whole have been in your shoes, some have even been in positions even worse than your own. Keep writing out your thoughts. That always helps me too. Most importantly, though, you should know that you aren't alone. (*hug*)
I think I have gone through pretty much everything you have mentioned at one time or another. It takes a while to sift mentally through everything, but you will get everything sorted out eventually. One thing that stuck out to me though was where you said, "Another issue I have with coming out of the closet is that you can’t go back in." That was a big issue for me for a while too. But then I realized something. There is no rule saying that, on the off-chance that you really aren't gay, you can't go back. Of course you can! When I realized this it was like a load off my mind. I knew I was gay and knew I would never go back, but just knowing that if it turned out I was wrong all along, I wasn't stuck outside of some imaginary closet. So to sum it all up, even though someone is gay and they know that there will never be a need to go back into the closet once they come out of it, it is still nice to know that there is no rule saying that the closet door only has to swing one way.
I have to say that simply posting the way I'm feeling online, even if it wasn't even as "myself," was really therapeutic. Incredibly so - I wish I had done it a long, long time ago! Reading and thinking about the feedback I received, I think I've finally been able to admit to myself that I'm gay. I feel like this has been the first step to acknowledging my sexual orientation and, for myself, who I am. I've been thinking about what it would be like to come out, how much happier I would be, and what a relief it really would be. It's funny... people talk about it being a weight off their shoulders, but I never really thought about it until I was able to start accepting myself. I'm not sure that I'm quite ready to do it yet, but I've started thinking about how I might come out to my family and whether I should do it individually or altogether... I don't really have any situation to compare it to. I know this is going to sound wrong, but I've never really had to come to my parents with news that might disappoint them before. I just want them to know that I am the exact same person they thought I was, I just like guys, which really doesn't concern them, they just need to know - for my own sake as much as theirs' - and that things don't have to change drastically or become awkward. I do think if I can find it in me to tell them, I will be willing to talk about it as little or as much as they want me to so that they can understand and learn to accept it. And maybe the relief of saying it out loud will outweigh everything else, who knows. I think my mom will struggle with it a little, but will accept me; my relationship with my dad is kinda... weird though, so I don't really know how he'll react. Regardless, I think I'll know when the time is right and no matter what, it will be something I've been holding onto for so long that I can finally let go of and ... just start living, ya know?! I could go on and on forever, but I know these feelings are not that difficult to comprehend for anyone who might actually read this. It just feels so good to get it out, one way or another!
Ultimately, you will probably be closer to both you parents than ever before, because you will have shared more of yourself with them. It might take a while, though, because they will have a grief cycle to go through. Once I accepted that I was gay, I actually came out pretty soon after. I was the biggest barrier, for me. It's easiest to start with one person. Do you have a best friend? Is there anyone that you know for sure will be there for you no matter what? Or someone that you know is accepting of gay people?
I do have a best friend that I think will take it well, so I think I'll start with her. I think I will still have kind of a tough time saying it out loud, but it will definitely be easier than telling anyone in my family.
I've got to say, the feeling of not being able to go back, the apparent finality of determining one's sexual orientation, definitely paralyzed me for a long time. Then I learned not to put so much emphasis on labels. I started coming out to a couple close friends/family members as "questioning" and later as "dating guys." Or as some people suggest, "not straight." The act of coming out and being open with people emboldened me to get out there and start getting dating experience. Now as of last night I had my first experience of intimacy (nonsexual) with another guy, and liked it. So I can add some percentage points to my certainty score, haha. Maybe 95% sure isn't optimal when it could be 100%, but how many things in life are we 100% sure about? Sometimes you gotta just go with the odds
You've had plenty of brilliant advice so far, so I'm just going to focus on how you can actually go about getting this "off your chest." by explaining how I did it. The thought of telling anyone, even a close friend, worried me. I thought it was really scary, so to begin with...I told a friend who I wasn't particularly close with (and I knew they wouldn't say anything because they were in a completely different pool of friends to the close ones I was scared of telling - they lived far away). She was perfect with it, and gave me great advice. The experience felt like good coming out practice - "this isn't so scary!" However, telling a close friend was still daunting, but one day I decided it felt right to do so. She was on MSN, I was on MSN... I said I needed to talk to her and then I told her, to great reception. The fact I did it on MSN was because it felt easier to hide behind the screen, at least for now. I know that sounds cowardly, but think of it as inching yourself further and further towards something in baby steps, for a week later when this friend, myself, and a few others were at a local bar, she helped me garner the courage to tell some more, and then some more... It just kept getting easier telling friends, to the point where it would fling itself into conversation and no one would even notice. They wouldn't notice because it was no longer a big deal to me. People, especially your friends, are clever and they can easily detect an awkward aura coming from you. Not to mention your friends probably already think you're gay. My point here is just...practice coming out to a friend/close friend. Take baby steps, and it'll keep getting easier to do. As for family, that requires more work, and I would advise against telling them unless you're 100% comfortable and proud with who you are, because depending on their reaction they can actually fling you 5 steps backwards. That's what happened to me, anyway. Coming out to your family too early is just one of the worst things you can do.
