Don't see the point of coming out

You will never truly accept yourself unless you are out. You dont know what its like to feel acceptance for your own sexuality.

Everyone talks about boyfriends and girlfriends and good looking people and stuff like that all the time and for you this subject is a no go area. Why restrict yourself?

You're in denial and you're scared of your own sexuality.

 

Don't rush yourself, but the big difference in coming out as something different, I feel, is that you feel as though you don't have to hide anything from the person you've told. You're kind of lying by omission at this point. It's awkward to tell them, and everything will probably be fine: but don't you want to know if it is? Why would you hold something so intrinsic to who you are in a place where nobody you know can touch it? Staying closeted while being in a supportive place isn't something happy, and it isn't something a person would do by choice unless they're scared about it. And you're right to be scared - don't force yourself to uncloset because of this - but saying "Why would I tell people who I am? They don't need to know" is the worst kind of copout.

 

At your age I was very, very far away from accepting myself and would never even think about coming out. Ten years later, I would like to go back to that 20yo and really punch him good and tell him that the pain of not coming to terms with himself is going to be more horrible than anything he can imagine at that moment. The thing is, I thought I was happy at 20, but I was just not yet full-blown depressed. It was from that emotional neutrality that I started a long way down which brewed very well, but only exploded into crippling depression when I finished college and some other stuff, when I didn't have any more "more important" things to do. Don't go down that road.

 

One thing I'm going to tell you is, don't let others influence your decision or tell you that's you're in some kind of mindset. Only you know how you feel and if you don't feel comfortable enough to come out, don't. Do whatever makes YOU happy, nobody else. Coming out may have been a fantastic experience for some or something that they felt the need to do, but you're your own person, if it's not right for you, it's not right for you.

Maybe just tell people if they ask, or just let them know when you're ready for a relationship. It's entirely up to you. As the forum title states, it's for support and advice - I support your decision.

 

Being closeted myself, I can completely understand where you are coming from.

Let me ask you this. Are you really sure your friends/family would be supportive? I ask because you also say ppl will lump you into gay stereotype. That would not be supportive. You also equate homosexuality to being a fetish...is that because you feel that way or you think other people do? Because if you think your friends and family feel that way, then how can they be supportive.

For me, coming out would not free me to be myself. I still couldn't talk about who I think is attractive because it would make everyone else uncomfortable, which would make me uncomfortable. I would still be restricted. I wouldn't be able to be around my friends without the "big pink elephant" in the room that everybody is thinking about. Nobody would be supportive and nobody would be OK with it. It would change the way others feel about me and would in turn change the way I feel about them. Not the situation for everybody, but it is for me.

It is not like telling your friends you like a type of music that they don't. Suppose one would decide to tell their friends that they like disco music. Their friends may not be able to fathom why, but they probably wouldn't care. That person could then mention their favorite disco song and their friends probably wouldn't treat them any different. If a person liked a type of music that their friends didn't, they probably wouldn't need to go to a support group.

Is it possible that you are unsure how comfortable everyone would be with you being gay? Maybe you feel that it wouldn't be so freeing if ppl are not OK with it. Only you know your situation. If I am way off base with how you or your family/friends feel then the point to coming out would be to let the people you care about know who you really are. The real question would be, for you...what point is there to staying closeted?

 

You should only come out when you're ready and I mean really READY, it doesn't have to be everyone at once. I'm still in the process of completely doing so, too.

Oh, and those binking quick moments might get longer and longer over time.

---------- Post added 5th May 2012 at 05:00 PM ----------

*blinking

 

Then don't come out. But if you meet a guy you end up liking very much... Are you going to turn him away because you aren't out?
Come out when you want to, if you want to. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

 

Well, I'm not going to say "but you MUST come out!" here. If you don't feel a need to come out, then you don't feel it.

But... two points:
Apparently it does bother you to the point that you make a thread about it. And that you almost got to the point of coming out several times already. That in and of itself is proving that being in the closet does, on some level, is starting to bother you.
Of course, you can then rationalise it as there being no objective need. But from experience I can only tell that once you start pondering coming out, it does tend to mean that over time the desire to do so will become greater.


Secondly, and perhaps most importantly: for me, coming out was never really about finding a date (in fact, in the three years since I came out, I haven't had so much as a single date). It wasn't really about detailed talk with friends about who I'm attracted to or (heaven forbid) my views on sex. It wasn't about being deeply unhappy with myself and wanting to change or become more outgoing or anything of the sort. In fact, my lack of drive to do all that was a big excuse to not come out.

No, it was this: the closet was just so very tedious. Lying to friends and family started being such a chore. And after a while, I just stopped seeing the point of investing time and energy into hiding something that I knew wouldn't be a big deal to them. Okay, answering questions and perhaps dodging some stereotypes would become tedious too, but at least it would be a new kind of tedious

And you know... nothing much changed, really. No one made a real big fuss about it (a lot of "wow, I'd never have thought" and some questions about how one discovers one is gay, but that was it, mostly). I didn't really start dating, or going to gay clubs, or changing my habits. And initially, I just told my friends "not right now" or "I'll need to think about that" if they wanted to discuss things I wasn't comfortable discussing. I do discuss it more easily now, but that was a slow process at first before I became more comfortable with it.

BUT I did also gain a lot from it. Being that bit more open did break down some walls I never knew were there. I'm still somewhat reclusive and reserved, but I do feel much more at ease around my friends. In retrospect, I can't say I really knew the feeling of friendship before I came out (or love, for that matter. Apart from the obsession part of some crushes). It's just impossible to feel that when you're constantly using half your brain to monitor for accidental comments or actions that could out you.

So the tldr of that story is: nothing changed objectively in my life. But yet the same life is more relaxed and pleasant for not being in the closet. And that was, to me, more than worth it.


Not saying it's a story that is applicable to everyone. And "subjective quality of life" is kind of hard to quantify. I'm essentially just asking you to take it on faith that it helps. But I am putting it out there since it feels like it might apply to you as it did to me. If you see little odds of bad reactions, and if you don't feel people will force you to change your life, then taking that closet away can make life a lot easier and more enjoyable.

 

A couple of years ago, I felt exactly the same way. But as time went on, people around you will start to shift into a mode of life where you might find yourself lying at an increasing level to your friends, family, just to keep the secret.

For me personally, I started to refuse to go to birthdays, stopped contacting friends, and when they contacted me I politely rejected outings, just to avoid meeting people, avoid lying to people. But at some point, you will wake up one day and realize the urgency to ask yourself the question: "where are all my friends?". And at this point, also, we sort of go through the transition of from students to real-life adults with real-life responsibilities, careers, and other things of that nature on the line.

What Filip is saying is that, it is fine to keep all your walls up, just to get through the day to day things. But this is a crucial time to develop skills, to get a sense of the world, and to have that wall there will have a long-term (maybe life long, in some cases) impedance.

 

This basically, I was the same way up until a couple of month ago where I got sick of being lonely and had to tell someone, I havn't had the chance to come competely out of yet and plan to when I move out but if I could I'd do anything to tell my family right now because it can really bottle up and feaster inside you if you don't.

 

I pretty much agree with you. I consider myself out online but nobody knows I'm gay offline. I haven't come out and I don't really want to come out because I don't see the point. I'm not terribly uncomfortable being closeted to my family, and I don't feel any need to let people know. I just don't see how coming out would benefit me.

The only thing I will disagree with is your equating it to talking about fetishes. That's not exactly the case, because it's not purely about sex - it's about attraction, which can easily be more romantic than sexual. Like, here's an example of what I mean - if a straight guy is talking about a girl he has a crush on, or some issue he's having with his girlfriend, that's not weird, right? Substitute "girl" for "boy". Same thing. It's not about sex in these cases.

 

If you read comments above carefully, you will see that basically everyone understood that

The thing is.. if you were ok with your sexuality you would be ok with everyone knowing. But you are not and you don't want anyone knowing. In order to keep them in dark, you make yourself believe your sexuality is not important. Because it's not important there is no point in telling. After some time, you'll break.

I know my previous post sounded a bit too urging, so let me explain. I am not saying that you must come out now. I am saying that you will need to do it eventually. You willl need to do it not because of others, but because of yourself. As others have said here, with time having friends who don't know such a basic thing as who makes your heart pound, that actually means you don't have friends. That means your pain stays inside until everything inside is pain. Sounds corny, but look at the suicide figures, depression rates.

At the moment you are having many things on your mind, college and everything, so they keep you busy. It's easier to not feel lonely when you have a lot to do. That will change and it would be easier for you to start with acceptance now. I am talking out of personal experience.

All this said, I am actually sure you are on the right track. As Filip noted, the very fact you are here opening a thread like this means you are willing to make changes. And that's great, because your life will then be so much better. All when you feel the moment is right, of course. But you have a possibility to make it not very late.


I just feel a need for one disclaimer. I don't know if my posts here are too harsh; if they are, then it's only because I see an opportunity for you to be happy and your opening post is a story of a passive fall to depression (in which I hit rock bottom, but ok, that's just me). Lewissss said that this is Suport and advice and he was supporting you. I don't mind that, that's the best part of EC. I simply see this as "Support AND advice", not "Support OR advice". I believe I am giving you more support by advising against the closet.

 

I see your point and I am not saying that you have to come out. Everyone is free to do whatever they feel comfortable with and if being closeted suits you at the moment that's fine. But let me tell you about my experience on the other side of coming out.

I have a very good friend that I have known for more that 15 years now. I have suspected that my friend is gay since I was 18 but it clearly became obvious to me around 10 years ago. But despite the fact we were quite close, my friend didn't came out to me until a few months ago. I completely understand why, he wasn't comfortable coming out and that's something I completely respected so I never confronted him about that. The thing is, the fact he was gay being an unspoken thing made both of us (and I think most of our common friends) ill at ease on certain matters. For example, when I was discussing love relationship with him, it was always on tiptoe for fear of scaring him, and he was always very elusive for fear of outed himself. As Filip said, it was like there was an invisible wall between us and that no matter how much we loved each other, I couldn't really reached out to him.
And then, he finally came out. And the invisible wall is gone. That doesn't mean we discuss his sexuality, or even his relationship, more than we used to do. That only means that instead of telling me he is "seeing someone", he says his boyfriend name.
I couldn't tell you how happy I was when he finally came out, first because it meant that he was finally truly ok with himself, but also because the feeling of being ill at ease with each other is finally gone.
My friend and his boyfriend were home last weekend and it just felt completely natural and right. We didn't discuss coming out or sexuality or anything gay related. We went for a walk, played board games, talked about our friends and simply enjoying being with each other, but that something that never would have happened if he hadn't came out. And I am really really glad he did.

Take care, Cécile

 

You know, I’m nothing if not a traditionalist and a conformist, and usually I tend to do the same thing. I don’t think I ever bought truly new clothing in the last couple of years (just copies of the clothes I already have to replace the ones I wear out), and in general, I’ll weasel my way out of even minor shows of disagreement with strangers.

But… I do think that in general, it can help to sometimes remember that other people’s worldviews don’t trump your own. That you’re allowed to be something else than an extra in other people’s lives. That some differences are a spice, not a poison to any friendship. That you don’t need to derive your self-worth just from the validation you get from others.
And that your friends might, in fact, like you for being you, not for being what you believe they expect you to be.

Look at it from your side: when one of your friends holds a different opinion, likes something that you don’t like, wears something you never saw them wear before, or suddenly mentions something totally out of the blue, then what do you do? Do you become totally shocked and disavow them as a friend? Do you totally revise your view of them? Do you think less of them for being anything else than totally unchanging?
Odds are you don’t. You notice, you listen to them telling about it, you even share a few laughs. In the future, it becomes a reference point: “you know, that time when X happened!”.
If there’s anything in common with the friends that stayed with me over the years, it’s this: we never felt like we got bogged down in a routine or “ran out of each other”. And some change didn’t cause my opinion of them to lessen. Neither did any changes I ever make lessen my opinion of them. If coming out caused any people to stereotype me, my friends and family were not those people.

Obviously, it is a bit nerve-wracking to change anything if you’re not used to it. Coming out might be too big a step. But I think you might try changing something. If they ask you what you’ve been doing, mention that interesting book you read or that movie you saw. If you go grab something to drink together, grab a different kind of soda if you feel like it. Grow some stubble and if asked about it, say “I just was curious what it would look like”.
And then, next time you meet them, marvel at how it changes nothing at all, but the fact that you can do whatever you want, without needing to look over your shoulder. And take that as a point of confidence on the road to being unabashedly you!

 

These parts of Dalmatian's post really jumped out at me. Depression, low self-esteem, avoiding people, don't see any chance of dating anyway, pain tolerance increases, cycling over and over until all that seems normal and don't remember last time you were actually happy and maybe you don't really care if you are happy. Would things be better if I came out 10 years ago? Probably differernt, who knows. Come out if/when you want to. Those of us who waited a long time or haven't yet all seem to end up the same way and it's not for everyone, but I guess you get used to it and some can take it longer than others, like some form of martyr complex. Good luck to you! (*hug*)

 

I would just do what feels right to you. If you are currently happy not being out, then don't come out. You are the only person who can truly decide when you're ready. There is no rush. Just don't let you being in the closet affect opportunities that come along, say, such as a potential partner.

I personally hated being in the closet. I felt terribly depressed all the time. But hey, to each his own, right?

Best of luck to ya.

 

The point is that when you come out, people know the real you. And then it's not this big secret that you keep. You don't have to hide.

 

I feel the same exact way I already know they'll accept, well most of them, so why bother. Despite that statement I am going to do it anyway. As a sort of just get it off my chest so I don't have to think about it anymore. I think this completely normal though and you shouldn't come out if you don't see the purpose that would be pointless.