I've read a lot of the ones posted on here but thought I'd add my own, as it really gets me down sometimes and I need specific advice. I'm not sure who I am, if I'm gay or straight or trangender etc. Im miserable almost constantly over one thing or another (I'm losing my hair too go figure). I've only had relationships with girls, although when I was a kid I did experiment with my male friends. Sometimes I think if I came out all my problems would be solved, everybody I know who comes out seems to be extremely happy, hell gays themselves seem to have a better time than the rest of the world as a whole, I live near west Hollywood and it just seems like that world is extremely fun loving and happy. Problem is I don't know if I'm gay or not, I have gotten off to gay porn on occasion, and I've fantasized about blowing a dude (I actually did do this once, not what I expected, not sure I'm really into it) I've made out with guys but it never really did anything for me. I'm wondering if there's some deep denial that keeps me from fully enjoying these acts. There's points where I'm like "well that was a very gay thought you must be gay" then there's points where I know I'm straight (usually when sleeping with a woman). I just don't know. I have a fear that if I go gay I'll completely lose my attraction to women (is that possible?) and my identity that I've built over the last 24 years. The weird thing is I feel like I'm being my whole self, but I'm miserable, I have thoughts about kissing men and stuff, but I don't want to do it. Am I just resisting? Is my denial so deep? It's kinda bullshit this whole deal, I want to just say "I'm gay" not have to worry about it and still sleep with women. I don't know, I'm rambling, but I just don't get this, how can I accept myself, it seems impossible. But I'm sick of questioning this shit, and everybody assumes I'm straight automatically which is annoying. Does anyone have any advice?
Hey Prometheus. Look, sexuality can sometimes be a complicated thing, and it seems like you're trying to turn it into something black and white. As if you're saying: "You're either one thing or the other." Have you ever considered that you might be slightly bisexual? While I'm gay, I know numerous bisexual people - and many on this site are bisexual. It's completely possible to be almost entirely attracted to women, but have the occasional thoughts about men. There is nothing wrong with that; it's perfectly normal. It seems like you're trying to fit yourself into a box. Forget labels and boxes. Okay, so you occasionally have sexual thoughts about men. So what? Do you desire a romantic relationship with men? Do you want to have sex with men? How strong are these sexual thoughts; do they happen often, are they only directed at a select handful of men - or a certain type of man? Contrast it with how you feel about women. How often do you fantasize about sex with women? Do you desire a romantic relationship with women? Do you find yourself wanting to have sex with women? How strong are your sexual thoughts toward women; do they happen often, or are they only directed at a select handful of women - or a certain type of woman? You're working too hard to put a label on yourself. You don't need a label; you're natural and normal. The feelings you are experiencing are the feelings you were meant to experience.
Hey aldrick, thanks for the reply. I have considered being bisexual, but something in me tells me it has to be one or the other. Plus I don't know a lot of women who'd be down with that, it'd narrow the pool quite a bit, and I already have trouble talking to girls anyway. I definitely feel more comfortable around men as a whole, like I can talk to guys easier, since there's no real pressure. As far as attraction to men, well the thoughts or "urges" I have come without no particular warning, in close quarters, such as a movie theater. Like in a movie theater I just have the urge to make out with the people surrounding me, regardless of gender I suppose, it causes me great anxiety because clearly acting on that would be innapropiate and I'm not sure I even would want to, I just feel the "need" to. That's kinda the extent of my male attraction, it doesn't seem to be toward a particular type or anything, but sometimes I'll get these "urges" or "fears" that I might do some sexual act with them. I don't really get that with women, I'm also more picky with women, but not more so than most of my straight friends. I couldn't tell you which gender I have more sexual thoughts about, I definitely notice hot women more (but I think women are just physically built to be more attractive than men) I watch a lot of lesbian porn and straight porn, I don't really check out the guys in that. And I like having sex with women, but I like to space it out so it's not every day (it's definitely better when I've waited a bit to have it), I don't always like eating girls out (but for some reason when I go to strip clubs I get a strong urge to). I really don't know it's all a mess. I can't imagine having a romantic relationship with a man, by isnt that what all people in denial say?? I'm just extremely mixed up. I wanna almost force myself to do something with a guy again ( I did that with the blow job) but it never answers anything and I never seem to get horny when I'm in the actual situation. I don't know how to resolve this, no onE cares if I'm gay or bisexual but me. This shits gotta be dealt with soon though, cos I'm sick of questioning myself in every possible way, at least if I have my sexuality figured out and solid it's a start.
No problem. I'm happy to try and help. Well, if you have sexual attraction to women, enjoy having sex with women, and would like to pursue romantic relationships with women... I think that pretty much rules out being gay. As a gay man I can tell you in all honesty none of those things appeal to me. I'd also point out that you shouldn't force yourself to have sex with another man. You're not going to find your answers by forcing yourself to have sex. Nothing is going to magically happen, and the truth be revealed to you. In order to have sex you need to know what you want. Maybe all you want from another man is just a close and intimate friendship. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing gay about wanting the love and affection of other men - there are different types of love, friendship love and romantic love are two different things. For example, I could certainly have a deep and heartfelt friendship love with a woman, but I could never have romantic love for her - no matter how hard I tried. We could hug, cuddle, kiss (non-sexually of course), and all those things and I'd enjoy having that level of intimacy with her... but it would be friendship intimacy, not romantic or sexual intimacy. Or maybe you are mostly attracted to women and have some small measure of attraction toward men. While I am not bisexual myself, in listening to those who are there appears to be different degrees of attraction to various genders. Some people are attracted to both genders equally. Others favor one gender over another. It's possible for a guy to be bisexual, mostly attracted to men, but have the occasional attraction toward women. It's also possible for the reverse to be true as well. Maybe you're bisexual. Maybe you're straight but desire an intimate friendship with other men. Either way, it doesn't really matter. You aren't in denial. Just relax. Don't worry about labels. The best advice that can be given to you is to just relax, and follow your instincts. Don't force anything. Open yourself up to any possibility that might exist, and give yourself permission to follow your instincts. Nature will do the rest.
You mentioned that you "experimented" with same-sex friends when you were a kid. How old were you? Do you consider that to have been a positive experience? Was it something you wanted to happen? Sometimes kids actually find that traumatic. If you felt coerced or anything, or maybe even if you didn't, it might have had long-term effects on you. Something like that would definitely not change your sexuality, but it might be responsible for how confused you are about it, regardless of what your underlying sexuality is. What you describe about having intrusive, unpleasant sexual thoughts sounds kind of like a response to trauma to me. Also, the way you have sought out encounters with men even though you didn't enjoy them, reminds me of the way that sexual abuse survivors will unconsciously seek ways to recreate their abuse. I could be completely wrong, though, I'm not really an expert. If you have genuine attractions to women, you are not gay in the first place. You might be bisexual, but you are not gay, by definition. Nothing you do with guys could ever change your genuine natural feelings for women--just as gay men find that no matter what they do in terms of having sex or relationships with women, it does not change their feelings about men. You don't need to be afraid of losing your attraction to women. I think you might find it very helpful to talk to a therapist. Just think about it.
Thanks again for the replies, in regards to having intimate relationships with men, I already have that, I have a few close friends who I'm very close with, would take a bullet for, that sort of thing, so I don't think it's that. I did expiriment when I was younger, at the time I didn't see the harm in it I don't think, but afterwards it started to gnaw at me a bit. I can't remember the incidents very well, I have related to sexual abuse victims on certain levels, I didn't know they got these unwanted intrusive thoughts so that's helpful. I'm not sure if I was actually abused as a kid, but Ive had a feeling that I was at points, I have issues with sex in general, when I'm not thinking it's great, but sometimes a lot of fear comes up during sex that inhibits my enjoyment. Who knows what the cause is, I do eventually want to go into therapy when I have the money. As far as my attraction to girls, who knows if that is real or not? A lot of people on here say that you can fool yourself into being attracted to the opposite sex, how do I know I'm not doing that? As far as I know I could be conducting some elaborate maze of denial that gets me to believe Im someone I'm not. I mean I love women sexually, but how do I know I'm not making myself do that. It's all very confusing and I've never been able to resolve it. I wish there was just a test that would tell you one way or another, like a blood test or something.
Can't really add to much that has already been said but think back to your childhood and recall your first attraction. Was it a girl or boy? If it was a girl then you are most probably straight. I say this because from such a young age, I don't think you can go into 'denial' mode. I'm gay and have always been attracted to guys, even at the age of like 7, granted I had no idea what it was called but I knew I felt differently towards guys than girls.
I can't really Recall a first aTtraction, I crushed on girls never on guys I guess but I can't think back to what my first attraction was, my first sexual experience was probably me getting naked with this girl when I was 6 or so from then on I had several sexual experimenting with mostly guys (since all my friends were male) and girls when I had the chance. Yea can't think of it, I know I started questioning my sexuality around 9 ish and came to the conclusion I was straight but I dunno
I'm updating this as I go along through this Journey. Ive been reading different threads to see how much I relate, and I do to an extent with a lot of the questioning ones. I made sure to watch gay porn today, I was able to get off pretty easily once I got my mind in it and let go of how ridiculous it looks. Then I tried some lesbian porn got off to that as well. I dunno, the majority of the porn I watch is lesbo and or straight porn but I also get off to gay porn. It hasn't really helped me decide anything, I feel like I can get off to something in every form of porn. When I fantasize I fantasize about past sexual experiences with women but that's probably because that's the majority of my experience. I just don't know how to figure this out and its preventing me from moving forward. I've had issues with this forever, it comes and goes. I want a meaningful relationship with a girl but i don't want my questioning to get in the way of my happiness with that person. I have been in love with a girl but the questioning caused problems for me when it was prevalent in my mind, there were moments it completely went away, but when it was there it was terrible I just loved her too much to think that if I was gay I'd lose her was just too much to bear. I figured out I'm clearly not completely gay, so it makes it much harder to figure this out. It's like I have two sides, one that has not been completely explored, and I dont necessarily want to explore it. I'm so confused I don't even know what attraction is. Lately I've been masturbating like 5-6 times a day and that's causing some issues, the girl I'm sleeping with casually has been unavailable. I cant stop whacking off though, it's making things worse. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin I'm like an exposed nerve, I really don't know what to do here. I'm trying to "try on" being gay and checking out guys and stuff but it's not helping at all, I cant do it, probably because I don't want these random people thinking I'm gay, and I don't want to actually "hook up" with a man, I'm just very very confused. And these intrusive thoughts are getting more frequent, they don't go away when my libido is depleted so I'm not sure how related to attraction they are. Any new thoughts?
