Came out to husband

This is a sticky situation, no doubts there. While there are medications to help cope with depression, you dont want to put yourself in a situation where you are depressed. I think his suggestion that you stay together while he has sex on the side is a bit selfish, as it sounds as if he expects he'll be the only one in that scenario having sex outside of your marriage. Which leaves you with a couple of options - 1. have an open marriage where you are both free to have sex with other people (which usually doesnt work out for the best as someone usually ends up getting hurt OR 2. going your seperate ways but remaining friends (which sounds possible from what you've said) and maintaining that link to him in friendship as a way to counteract the depression. If you are questioning your sexuality, there is another option you could consider - asking him if he'd be interested in you, another woman & he all be together intimately, but again, this may lead to problems as well. Im sorry Im not more helpful, but hopefully I can give you a start on where to begin with things...

 

You're in a tough situation, and this is definitely something I think you should bring up with your therapist before making any decisions.

I suppose the big question here that isn't being asked is: Are you sexually attracted to your husband? Forget the fact that he's a man for a moment, forget any feelings you have for him, are you sexually attracted to -him-?

If you think you might be a lesbian, and you don't have sexual feelings for your husband - then you have to consider what is best for both of you. Is it really fair to keep him in a relationship that has no hope of really prospering? Is it fair to you?

None of this doesn't mean you both don't love each other very much. It doesn't mean you can't support each other, and still care for each other. But if you are a lesbian you need the freedom to go out and live your life, and he needs the freedom to go out and live his.

It's a difficult choice.

Here is a video about Bishop Gene Robinson, the first openly gay Bishop in the Episcopal Church. He went through a situation not unlike your own. Part of the video is him, his ex-wife, and his parents talking about it. Watching it might help you.

Gene Robinson - The First Openly Gay Bishop In The Episcopal Church - YouTube

 

Congratulations on coming out to your husband. I'm so glad that he is so supportive.

Have you considered finding a way to connect with other lesbians? That would go a long way in helping you to imagine a new future for yourself. You would need a way to just meet people and make friends at first. Don't worry about romance right away.

Generally speaking, the community is really supportive. You should be able to make some strong friendships with people who understand what you're going through. Then, it will be much easier to separate from your husband so that you can both move forward in life.

You are very fortunate to have a husband who is willing to see you through this. You have clearly been struggling, but it must have been really difficult for him to, as you've been pulling away from him and he didn't know why. I don't know how long it's been since you had sex with him, but it seems like it's probably been a long time, and he's probably been feeling hurt and rejected, since he didn't know the reason. I assume that has something to do with why he wanted to separate.

Offering to stay with you, knowing that it's ultimately going to end, and that you aren't interested in him sexually, is really incredibly kind of him. He must really love you.

Maybe you could live together, with separate bedrooms, and continue with divorce proceedings, and over the next couple months you could transition to a point where you are both allowed to see other people. (I think it's much healthier if he actually starts dating other women, rather than just having one night stands or something.)

Keep in mind, too, that for some men sexual prowess is related to their sense of self-esteem. This is really not only about his sex drive, but about emotional needs that he has.

I don't think the two of you having sex would be satisfying to either of you at this point. He would know the whole time that you didn't really want it.

You need to shift into thinking of your relationship with him differently, so that you can see him as a good friend who is supporting you through a hard time, instead of seeing him as someone who owes it to you not to have sex with other people. If you and he can both do that, you can probably have a friendship that will survive all this. I know of a lot of gay people whose former straight spouses are now their best friends. It's because the romantic relationship doesn't end because of some kind of betrayal, but rather because it simply couldn't work, and both people recognize that.

You can still be there for each other and help each other through life's struggles. You don't have to ever lose that, no matter what kind of relationship he has with another woman. So you don't have to see it as a threat to you if he's seeing other people.

One thing you could do is just stop thinking of him as your husband, and instead think of him as your best friend. What do you want for your best friend?

And, regarding him sleeping with other people, examine your feelings closely. Why does it upset you? What are you afraid will happen? If you understand what you are really afraid of, you can talk about it with him, and maybe he'll be able to reassure you.

Realize that now you both know that the life you had planned isn't going to work out. Now what you need to do is to support each other as you both start taking steps toward building a new life, making a new plan. That's important for him, too, not just for you.

Everything is going to change. But you don't have to lose each other. You can still be an important part of each other's lives.

 

(*hug*)

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this.

However, as someone who has been exactly where you are, let me tell you that you're at the lowest point right now. It just gets better from here.

You and your husband are at a turning point. And it's scary because you can't see what's in your future. But the odds are that the future in store for both of you is better being apart than if you'd stayed together. Things obviously weren't good, and they were likely going to get worse. The end result was likely going to be divorce, only you'd have hated each other by then.

Instead, you're still getting along and willing to support each other - which is wonderful. My ex wife has been my best friend and biggest supporter since we separated 5 years ago. In the early days I would still go in for dinner with her and the kids once a week or so. We spent holidays (i.e. Christmas) together with the kids. Even now that we've both remarried (yes - we've both met someone and we're happier than we could have ever been if we'd stayed together) we are still good friends and do what we can for each other.

You're going to be lonely. You're going to mourn the life you had. It will feel like a loss, because it is. But at the same time you're going to find a new freedom and a new happiness that you've probably never known.

We're all here rooting for you!!!! :smilewave

 

I dont see a problem with that, its like you are still going to be good friends but you are going to have your own privacy and space for when you need it.

 

I don't think this is a bad idea at all. If you're still getting along well together then I'm sure you'll be good company for each other. But at the same time you'll have your own space.

If it's an apartment complex I assume you're renting. If you find that it isn't working out after a year or 2, then one or both of you can move again.

My ex wife and I have 2 children together, so it was important / necessary for us to live close to each other. We live about 10 minutes apart by car and that works for us.

Conversely, my husband and his ex wife don't get along. She has never really come to terms with this whole situation. She wanted him to move into a townhouse around the corner from the one she had bought, and he's VERY happy that he didn't do that.