Last week I tried to commit suicide and after a week in the psych ward and barely making it to out-patient treatment I have to stay sober for 6 months otherwise i'll spend another 6 months in the state hospital for chemical dependency, and I can't lie about being sober because they test me every week. The only problem is that my best friend is the only person who can convince me to turn down drugs or alcohol and I can't see her as much anymore because my parents made me move back in with them an hour away from fargo so I can attend the treatment, which is in detroit lakes. I just feel so hopeless right now because I know I can't stay sober without her, and the first chance I get to drink I most likely will if she's not there to stop me. I've smoked almost a whole pack of cigarettes since noon and I usually only smoke like a third of a pack a day and on top of that i'm on a caffiene binge right now and tweaking the hell out.
Hi there. I dodnt have time to write a whole lot right now, but... How badly do you want to avoid going away for 6 months. If its badly enough, then you'll stay sober. If you're sure you can't do it alone, which is probably true, then you'll need help. But your friend isn't going to cut it. You need to start attending AA and NA meetings and find others who have experienced a similar problem and who have found recovery in those meeting.
Three suggestions: 1) If your friend is able to help you, then exploit that connection as much as possible. Even if she's not down the street, talk to her about having her available on a pseudo-sponsor level basis, if that's something she's comfortable with. Phone, text, skype, whatever you think will help. 2) In line with 1, try to expand your support network as much as you can. It sounds like you'll need one, and even if your friend were the perfect solution in any given case, there very well may be a time when she won't be available and you'll either need to lean on someone else for support or make it through on your own. Family, friends, internet (EC!), local professionals, whatever you can think of. You might also look into local chapters of AA or some such thing, if you're comfortable with that - ultimately just another way of building up a support network. 3) Try to stop thinking of yourself in such dis-empowering terms. A lot of your post sounds like it's built around convincing yourself that you can't do this, and thoughts like that won't help you at all. Sooner or later, it's going to have to come down to you taking care of yourself and making good choices. That time may be now, or it may be in the future, but eventually it will be here. If you really believe that you have no control over whether you drink or use drugs, then some time in a rehab program (there are many different kinds - you might want to look into local options) or the hospital might actually be a good idea for you, and choosing to go to something like that and equip yourself to be able to take care of yourself rather than letting things get out of control might be the best decision you ever made. Good luck, and keep posting!
Whenever someone dealing with addiction is struggling with sobriety at my internship, we always tell them exactly what Gravity just said. That's really good advice. You should take it. Another thing I would add is that, as important as a support network is, you have to be very selective about who you let back into your life at this point. My suggestion to you is that you should delete the phone numbers of friends, you should block their numbers actually, who might be involved in the local drug community, and you shouldn't interact with friends or family that you know aren't going to take your sobriety seriously, people who will encourage you to relapse. You have to stay committed to it, and you'll make it. There was a time when you weren't using. You can get back there again.
Addiction is a really tough road to travel, no doubt about it. But in the quote above, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. Do you really know that you can't stop without her? Don't get me wrong, she sounds like an amazing support, a great friend, and an enormous resource for you and you should utilize that. But you're not so powerless either. It's just a matter of locating that power within yourself to fight that stupid craving. Draw on the power within yourself and the power your friend gives you (even if by phone) so that you can conquer that little monster demanding to be fed. You're stronger than he is, even if you don't know it. And I'm always open to chat if need be. -Nick
If you want to talk about this with me - as someone else in addiction recovery - you can send me a PM. Given that you haven't commented here to any of the advice given so far, I won't add any more.
