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A crush(?) related dilemma.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BudderMC, May 6, 2012.

  1. BudderMC

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    This could be a lot of text; I'll try and keep it as condensed as possible.

    I've talked on here about my one housemate before (let's call him A). I've known him since about 3 days into university, and seen (if not spent) him nearly every day for the last year and a half, and now we live together. We (and one other person) were the only ones in the house last summer, so we spent even more time together. He's also the first person I came out to (despite some reservations), and although he isn't really one to talk about people's problems a lot, he's been super supportive. Needless to say, I've grown pretty close to him. I don't like calling people my "best friends", but if I did, he'd certainly have that title.

    Now, for quite a while (probably 3 months before and after I came out to him), I liked him quite a lot. I've tried and justified why I think I like him many times, but eventually I think I stopped thinking of him that way. I realize now that I still care for him deeply, but after analyzing this a couple days ago, this is what I came up with:

    1) I like him physically because he happens to be the type of guy I'm attracted to. And he's got blond-ish hair (I looooove blondes for some reason).
    2) I like him mentally because he's arguably the smartest person I've met, ever (you'll see later). But at the same time, he's no idiot either; no shortage of common sense and rationality.
    3) I like him emotionally for the reasons I listed above. He's been there for me when I needed someone.

    Despite all this, I don't think (or I don't know if) I actually like him romantically. I think it's become more of an "I love him like a brother" kinda thing. But again, I don't know if this is just bullshit justification to make me feel less bad for "liking" him.

    Like I said, he's really smart. Smart enough to get big scholarships. He landed one that takes him overseas for a summer position, at quite a reputable scientific institute. I'm happy for him, but at the same time, I'm really gonna miss him... like I said, he's effectively been the first close guy friend I've had in my life, and I've spent most of the last 20 or so months with him, so 3-4 months away seems like forever.

    As far as I know he leaves next weekend (he's only a couple hours away now, at home). Before he left our house to go home for the last couple weeks, he, my other housemate (we'll call her B) and I joked about how he should come back and visit us. After mentioning it was "expensive" to come back down by bus, we jokingly suggested we drive up (B has a car) to go visit him. Even though I'm not sure how serious any of us were about this, it at least made us smile through otherwise sad goodbyes. He had to come back last week because his scholarship thing sent him some mail to the house, so he stayed the night. Over the visit, the topic somehow came up and he mentioned that if we were serious about coming to visit, his mom was planning on making something for dinner. Nobody's really made real plans so far yet, so I texted B today to see what she thought. Turns out that she has to be home those days we proposed, so she can't make it, but told me I should go if I wanted.

    So here's the problem: If I did go visit him, I'd be going out of my way (sorta) to do it, and I'd have to bus up to get there (which isn't really a big problem). I'd also be showing up by myself, which makes me feel like I'm imposing on him/his family a bit. And if I do go visit, I'm just kinda "prolonging" any hurt that occurs because I miss him. These things tell me that it's probably the wiser decision to not go visit him. But on the other hand, every emotional bone in my body wants to go visit him because I care for him (for whatever reason) and I won't be able to see him for the rest of the summer. I also don't know if it's a legitimate concern that they may be sorta expecting us to come and it turns out we can't (more likely justification for why I should go).

    I don't know what to do. Or rather, I think I know what I should do, but it isn't what I want to do. And I'm conflicted.

    :help:
     
  2. zeratul

    zeratul Guest

    Sometimes I drive 4 or 5 hours to visit the people that I miss, when its not even a long weekend. Whether you cut yourself out from him or not, the pain will still be there until it subsides. Life is too short to be doing what you think is the right thing when a friendship like that comes along; a friendship like that is meant to be indulged in all the emotional aspects.

    Some people spend their entire lives making friends, and yet, none of them are really true brotherly/sisterly type of friends, and they just end up with acquaintances. I feel like you need no excuse.
     
  3. Filip

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    Well, I think you should go, really.

    I don't quite think it is imposing on him as much as you'd think.
    In fact, signs point to him wanting to be "imposed on". He even, based on a mere joking suggestion, mentioned it at home, and had no problems finding his mom willing to cook for you. And then got back to you to mention that. While, if he would have wanted to be left alone, he could have just dropped it and no one would have batted an eye.

    Plus, you spent a lot of time semi-alone with the guy, so it's unlikely that you'll run out of things to talk about. By now, the friendship has been conclusively proven.

    And while you would be going out of your way, it's not an unreasonably big out of your way. Going out of your way for each other is kind of what friends do. There's friends I'd travel half a day to see, and I don't consider that to be excessive, especially if it isn't a regular thing in the first place.

    As for the "crush" part: sounds to me like you know you have a bit of an infatuation for him (which is quite allright. I have been infatuated with some of my friends over time, even if it never spilled into the real crushing stage), but are otherwise keeping your head on your shoulders. So I don't think it is totally clouding your judgement here.

    Okay, that leaves the hurt of parting again. However: you'll miss him either way, so if you can add an enjoyable day in between, it might be worth it. I leave it up to you to decide how emotional you normally get, however.


    So, while I can't decide for you: I do think I would go, were I in similar circumstances. It might be an emotional goodbye once more, but you would get a nice meet-up with him in return!
     
  4. BudderMC

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    Thanks guys. I still haven't figured it out yet (I'm actually trying to get ahold of him to see where the plans sit), but I appreciate the responses.

    I think a lot of it is that I'm basically "inept" at having close friends, having never had people over to visit in my teens and never really hanging out with other people. Hence, I felt it was appropriate in close-quarters (living together), but going out of my way to do stuff felt inappropriate. Couple that with because I like guys and he knows this, even though he's cool with it, I still feel a bit awkward hanging with guys one-on-one... like they'll think I think I'm looking for something more. Stupid, I know.

    But again, thanks. I think I'll pitch the idea, but I won't push it too much; I don't want to come off as needy either.
     
  5. Vanc

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    Wow, this sounds so similar to a situation that I had. Three years ago when I started pursuing my major I met a guy on the first day of class. It turned out that we had all of our classes and labs together! He was easy to talk to and pretty handsome, plus I didn't know anybody in any of my classes yet so I was really happy to have met him. Now we always schedule our classes together which is great. I would think that we have a very close relationship; I never run out of things to talk to with him (I find it easier to talk with him alone than in a group even) and he always knows the right things to say. I am sure that he is straight though but that doesn't bother me because I don't want the ruin the close friendship that we have. He doesn't know I'm gay though.

    I also have a problem with finding "close" friends as well. I think that's because I'm unrelatable with most people. When I hang out with people it's mainly because they want advice from me (apparently I'm really good at helping with relationships and dilemmas).

    Anyways I'm rambling...to answer your question: I don't think it would be weird to bus up there and see him, nor do I think that you're hurting yourself if you do decide to go up. It's natural to want to see him and I think you should take the opportunity to bond more before he leaves. You might like him but I feel like you understand the boundaries within your relationships with him so that shouldn't be an issue. And I'm sure he wants to see you too :slight_smile: I don't think you'll come off as needy.


    Final note: I went to work out of province recently for 4 months so I was also separated from my buddy as well. I missed him a lot but we still chatted and texted so that helped ease the longing. And it seems like a long time at first but before you know it you two will be re-united again :grin:
     
  6. BudderMC

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    For anyone curious as to how this resolved, the visit is a no-go. He said that it's a lot of bother, time, and money to go visit him. I replied saying that it really wasn't a big deal; we'd already decided that it was worth it if we weren't going to see him for the rest of the summer. But the timing is inconvenient for him as well, so while it wasn't said, I'm pretty sure it isn't happening.

    I think I'm okay with it though. I mean, I'm moderately bummed, but less than I thought I would be I think. Probably helps that it was a "simply doesn't work out" thing rather than a "he didn't want us to come" thing.

    Thanks for the replies (and stories) guys, they help. Glad to know I'm not the only one who feels like I'm having stupid difficulties at times :/