This question has been bothering me so much. I know that some (definitely not all) hetero people have no other way of thinking about non-hetero relationships. But I've even been asked this by other queer friends. I don't understand. Neither my girlfriend nor I identify as males, and neither of us are really that butch either (I'm sure if one of us were, no one would ask that question in the first place). Some relationships that consist of biologically same-sex people do identify as other genders. But come on, not everyone does. They're just asking about gender stereotypes, not even about how we identify. I didn't mind that question so much at first, but it keeps getting asked. It's dumb. We're both girls. There are no men in this relationship. Or is there one just endlessly hanging around us that I've somehow failed to notice? :bang:
Yeah, it's annoying. And yeah, it's wrong. And yeah, it's not even a funny joke, for those who are asking as a joke. For those who AREN'T joking when they ask, the reason why they're asking that is because they don't understand how a relationship works without strictly defined roles--our society assigned the roles to gender. The reality is, even straight people don't follow those roles so strictly, but that's how we often imagine things to be. So, I guess they're trying to get clearer about how that works, in an asinine kind of way. It's a rude way to ask and it's not really any of their business, but you could, if so inclined, use the opportunity as a teachable moment and educate them UP so that they don't ask anymore rude or dumb questions.
I do try to explain it to them. (Don't know if they get it or not, though...) I know it's not really their fault, it's what they've learned because of media and society. *sighs*
Thanks for fighting the good fight. I hate this crap too; after I try a little gender and sexuality 101 and they still don't get it, I just start returning the question in the same spirit it's posed to me: "so how exactly do you fuck your partner? I mean seriously. I just have to know."
Seems like that could actually be effective in some situations, sadly... Kind of depends on what way they mean the question, sometimes it's more about gender roles than actual sex.
Yes, this is definitely true and makes that strategy not great whenever it's really gender roles that are being talked about. In those cases, I try asking more about their question until how awkward it really is becomes apparent to the person you're talking to: "Who's the man in the relationship?" "There are no men in the relationship." "Well, you know what I mean..." "We're two women in a relationship. I don't know what that question means." "Well, like, who's you know, the bossy one and who tends to argue less? Stuff like that." "We have an egalitarian relationship, and neither of us is the bossy one. I don't know what this means, could you tell me what you mean?" "Is one of you more emotional and the other more rational?" "We're both emotional at times and rational at other times." "Okay, whatever, this is too hard."
That, sir. Seems like a great strategy. I will definitely be using something along those lines. Thank you.
i read about this and saw you tube also. some couples don't specify, but some very much do, and media portraits it that way. good luck in explaining yourself girl. you gonna need it. :/
I don't want to get into a relationship and have to even think about gender roles. There's no roles. No acting. You don't need a manly one and a womanly one. People are frickn dumb.
I rarely get this, but if somebody asks "so which one's the woman?", I usually say "Next time we have sex, you can come watch, and then you can tell me." That usually weirds them out enough that they stop asking. Lex
Love that idea! I've never had someone ask, but then again I'm 40, and you're 14. I think I'm likely hanging out with a crowd that's a little more mature than you are. So accept that you'll continue to get asked by people until you're a little older and the maturity level of the people you're with increases.
peopel ask guy guys that all the time and its usually said as a curious "joke" "who's the girl in teh rleationship, who is the man". Oh i guess the butch one is the man...hehehheh. that sort of thing. these types of comments are based in homophobia, ignorance, and nervous energy. people are curious about homosexuality but since it is very taboo for many they have to try and "understand" by understanding through the lens of heterosexuality. by looking at two men and saying "oh he is probably the girl in teh relationshiP'" or looking at two women and saying "she is the dude and i bet she wears the strap on" it helps them reinforce their own sexuality while lo-key putting down yours. i think some people say things from a place of ignorance and from a place of sheer...not knowing. some people say things from a place of homophobia and hurt and that's not good.
