Hi everyone, I'm new here but have read some of your stories and its great to see so many of you sharing your own experiences. I'm twenty-one years old and have recently questioned my own orientation after falling for a female best friend. It took me a long long time to finally accept that my feelings were of that nature, having been involved in other life events which I thought may have been the reasons for my overwhelming feelings of sadness and often anxiety (also feelings of elation too ofc). I deliberated for a while whether she felt the same way which often made the feelings worse due to the added confusion. In the end, I decided that I could no longer worry about whether or not she was gay and instead I had to reach a conclusion as to whether I was. I'm still not 100% as I do also find men physically attractive and I've never really looked at women in a physical sort of way. Nevertheless, I was just wondering what you would have to do to 'come out' as they say? I appreciate from reading some of your stories that you don't necessarily HAVE to come out but my worry is that I don't think anyone would guess I'm gay and therefore I don't know how I would go about meeting anyone. I don't want to change the way I look or behave but have seen a couple of Youtube videos about being a lesbian which suggest that you have to 'look like a lesbian' in order to meet others. I know this is ridiculous but I genuinely wouldn't know where to start looking if I was to. Does anyone have any ideas? I mean its probably better to have an idea of whats out there before I decide for certain if I am gay or not I guess..? I just want to be happy I guess, it sounds lame but I'd prefer to confront the issue than continue for the rest of my life avoiding the topic and always having residual feelings of unhappiness. Thank you for taking the time to read this though, I'm sorry if it seems trivial and long-winded
Welcome to EC! "Coming out" simply means not lying about your feelings. And, perhaps to some extent, letting people know which team you're on. Some people choose to do that visually - they might put a rainbow sticker on their car, or wear a rainbow bracelet, or slip on the Birkenstocks. But that part is optional. You don't have to change anything. To be out, you just need to let people know that you're "not straight". You can sum up quickly by saying you're bi, or you can be more complete by saying "I'm finding myself more attracted to women emotionally, but I'm still trying to sort it all out." Who do you tell? Anybody you might discuss such things with. Anybody who would tell you about how things are going with their boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/spouse would be on the list. As far as meeting people? The best move is to go where the lesbians are. That might be a bar, or a social club, or a section of town, or whatever. Lex
Thanks for your reply Lex, I guess I'm just apprehensive about 'coming out' because it seems so definitive. I mean there's no going back really but like you said, I could just say something along the lines of 'I'm working things out' which leaves opportunity to well I guess work things out aha... I've always been more of a listener and always found ways of not revealing too much about myself. I mean to say I do give back in conversation, I'm not necessarily an entirely closed book, but I manage to do so in a way that draws attention away from the things which are close to my heart which I don't necessarily feel comfortable talking about. I guess thats something I'm just going to have to work out... It just seems like a big step to come out and I don't know how people will react but I guess these are feelings everyone goes through at some point. Do you genuinely believe that I don't have to change my appearance or behaviour? I would genuinely love to say that lesbians still wear dresses, be 'girly' and still other lesbians can tell they are gay.. but I've not met any girls who openly admit to being gay and are! I'm really not trying to offend anyone and appear ignorant, I'm at uni and I just haven't met any yet but if I was to come out as gay I'd still like to do those things!
Don't feel like you have to change anything about yourself if you come out. I think it would be most attractive to others if you be yourself. Be what makes you happy. I for one am glad that there are gay guys who don't fit the "stereotypical" mold, because for whatever reason I'm not particularly attracted to that. Others, however, might be, so it's good that there's a mix. The same is likely true for lesbians. There are the so-called "butch" ones, and the more "girly" ones, and I'm sure some gay women are into one and others are more into the other. Personally I swear by online dating for meeting people. That way no one has to guess whether the other is gay or not. Coming out does seem definitive, which is what kept me confused and closeted for so long. But really, it's not. Let's say you decide you are probably gay. So your understanding of yourself conflicts with the understanding that others have (they assume you are straight). When you come out, you align their understanding with yours. But then say down the road you fall for a guy. So now you understand your sexual orientation differently, and you might decide you are bisexual, or even that you're straight after all. How is this new situation any different than the original situation? It's still a discrepancy between how you see yourself and how others see you. So you'd just have to come out again, right? Sure, there might be those that are skeptical, but what do they matter? What matters most is your happiness and the happiness of your partner. Life is a constant reevaluation process, and if you decide at some point the path you are on does not represent your true self, I don't see why it would be impossible to change direction. Hopefully that made sense . . .
You should NOT change your appearance or behavior at all! Be yourself. It's true that it's basically impossible to tell that a feminine girl is a lesbian if she is, but there are ways to find out other than physical appearance. It's easy to tell that a girl is gay if she dresses or acts like your stereotypical lesbian, like me for example. I wear plain colored v-neck t-shirts, unisex jackets/sweaters, jeans, vans, short hair, no makeup, no purse, no jewelry, etc. I've never talked about guys or dating or anything, and I completely look the part, but even then, none of my friends have ever asked me if I'm gay. I'll bet they suspect it, but don't say anything. But to the general public, I think it's pretty obvious. Some girls, even who are on the feminine side, give off this sort of vibe as well. Can't explain it, but you can sort of tell. Some girls may dress completely girly but wear rainbow accessories or have a LGBT/gay marriage support pin or sticker on their backpack or something. Either way, don't change how you look. Believe me, lesbians love fem girls; it's just hard to tell which are the gay ones. As for meeting them, you could join a school club if you have a gay-straight alliance type of club. Or attend campus LGBT events, if you have them.
