Ok. Yesterday, I came out to my parents, but it didn't exactly turn out as I thought. As I expected, my parents were really calm and serious, so no harm there. But instead of asking me questions like "How long have you known?", "Why haven't you told us?", "Do you have any affairs?", "Does anyone else know?" etc, they asked me "How did you come to the conclusion that you are gay?". So I answered them that since I was 14, I didn't feel like having sexual relationships with girls, that there were a bunch of boys that I liked, that I get more easily turned on when I watch gay porn and that when I watch straight porn, I look at the guys, that all my close friends are girls. But then they said that that information is not important. That I could not know unless I had some experience with a girl/boy. But as a nerd that I am (that's not what they said, but it's the truth) that I am I have no such experience whatsoever, because I study day and night. Therefore it is too dangerous to label myself as gay and come out to people when I have not yet confirmed it through a relationship or whatever, because the racism I will receive being gay is doubtlessly inavoidable and painful (psychologically, socially and professionally). My mom also told me that it is very common for teenagers to feel sometimes attracted to a person of the same gender, but that may be very temporary (she told me about pheromones, Freud etc (yes my parents are doctors) ). Then she went on that I had never been socially active and that the process of getting a girl can be very "aggressive" (they both agreed on that). As a result, boys that have a gentle, shy and weak character, like me, have a hard time during adolescence. In addition, I had told them before that I could not look for a guy in my everyday environment because in case the guy I like is actually straight, I could face serious discrimination. And my mom answered that that is a very good excuse to avoid searching for a girl and having a relationship, because neither do I look for girls, noe for guys. So, she concluded that I could have actually felt an attraction for a guy, that that is very normal, but because I was too scared to try to find a girl I interpretated that attraction as being gay myself, so that I could have an alibi to simply hide away from the "mating" process. And that there is no actual proof that I am gay, unless I have a relationship. So, now I am really confused. When I made up my mind that I am gay, I found an inner balance. I biult confidence. I was sure that that was it and that I could now start building my life without second thoughts. But what my parents told me made a lot of sense. I just couldn't answer to it. It is true, my only way of confirming that I am gay is through porn, which I realised that is actually not a proof. My parents told me it only involves vision and getting a boner (excuse me) in real life is much more than that. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to return to that state where I was just blind, studying day and night, trying to avoid the problem. But I really like my studies and trying to have a relationship to solve the "gay or straight" problem is just too time- and energyconsuming to do. So please tell me. Are my parents right? Could I actually be straight? By the way, I have to say that my parents did NOT try to convince me that I am straight. They told me they are really proud of me for working so hard and for having such a good character, and proud that I told them I am gay (or at least that I think so), and that they will support me even if I am gay. Please help. :/
Hi, welcome to EC! I think you are gay from what you have said so please try not take on board your parents comments wholeheartedly. Your parents are probably saying these things because it is more about tricking themselves into thinking you are straight when you are pretty sure you are gay e.g. "My mom also told me that it is very common for teenagers to feel sometimes attracted to a person of the same gender, but that may be very temporary" I get really annoyed when parents do this like 'its probably just a phase' thing. You don't need to experience being in a relationship with a girl to know that you are gay. If you are attracted to guys and watch gay porn then you are most likely gay . I am 23, not been in a relationship and I have always felt attracted to guys from as young as 7. I had no idea what it was called but I always knew there was something there. I have no attraction to girls in a sexual way at all but I like the emotional connection that guys sometimes can't seem to give. In the end only you can decide if you really are gay, but from what you have said, most likely you are and there is nothing wrong with being gay. Sure it may be more difficult compared to being straight but we're born this way and can't do anything about it, so if you have any doubts/fears I can understand. I hope you stay on EC and keep reading and posting because it helps us to be more comfortable with ourselves (*hug*) By the way, I think you're really brave for coming out to your parents at 15! I still haven't come out to my parents yet, I'm dreading when the time comes.
Hi there. It sounds like, overall, you had a really awesome conversation with your parents. It took a lot of courage to talk to them about this, and it sounds like they've reacted fairly well to it as well. I think it's normal for people who are straight (even if they're doctors) to not really understand what it feels like to be gay. Even at 15 you're aware enough to know that you aren't really into girls, and that guys turn you on. Half the battle is accepting that for yourself. It isn't really necessary for you to 'prove' this to anyone. At the same time, at 15, I'm not sure it's necessary to start dating or having relationships with people of either gender. There's still time for that. Your parents are right - that there might be some repercussions to you coming out as gay. Unfortunately that's a reality. They are your parents and want to protect you from those to the extent that they can. I don't think you've got this wrong. I don't think many straight guys wonder about whether or not they're gay. I certainly don't think they get all the way to the point where they come out to their parents only to then realize they were wrong. If that's what has happened, you might very well be the first. :icon_wink
you are extremely awesome for being so open with your parents as a teenager, seriously! i've still never discussed my sexuality with my parents but maybe if i had it wouldn't have taken me so long to figure myself out. i've always known i like other girls, but like your parents i thought how could i know i don't like boys unless i try it. so for yearrrrrs i tried to convince myself that i like boys, in high school i described my sexuality as "i don't discriminate gender," i was afraid of ruling anything out ya know? because what if i were wrong. and i was honestly afraid of the lesbian label. and although i can't say i regret anything, i realize now that i wasted so much time on guys and now i'm 25 years old and have comparatively little sexual/romantic experience because i was so afraid of going with my gut and being myself.
Thank you all for your kind and encouraging posts. However I have to note that 15 is the number of my posts (currently 16), not my age. I am 19 years old. I really don't know. Accepting that I am gay really solves the problem, but the problem is "What if the problem has nothing to do with homosexualism and I am not gay at all?". I really felt a gap in the conversation (and we had a couple more today about it), that they couldn't understand how I am exactly feeling, just like you said, Jim. In the second conversation I had with my mom alone, a part of the discussion was about checking out people. I told her that whenever I check out girls, I feel that I was doing that because that was socially correct. That I do it because it is what I should be doing. The answer I got was that she feels I have a some sort of fixation (not in the negative way, to criticise me), that because of not being social, I kept thinking over and over about the normal attraction I had felt back then to boys instead of moving on. But when I told her that I also checked out guys without thinking so much about it, that it was more out of pleasure than of "that's what I should be doing", she couldn't answer. She didn't know what to answer. And tried to explain me more about her fixation idea, and that because I have fantasies with men that doesn't mean I am gay as there is a huge distance between reality and fantasy and the human mind can create traps for itself when thinking too much over something etc. All this may sound like she was trying to convince me that I am straight, but I can tell you that that was not her goal. I felt more that she was not clearly understanding me. But then again, there is the other aspect. How do I know that you are actually gay? That you have experimented with women and men and came to the conclusion you like men. After this conversation, to make it short, the question that arised was "What if homosexuality is just a trickery of our brain, that tries to avoid a tough situation/fact and so shields and protects itself with homosexuality?" What if homosexuality is just psychological, and when we find the problem that is causing it and solve it, it will simply go away and we will be straight again? And then we won't have to face racism and OH how great would that be etc. So I shouldn't be listening to you, because you are also mad people (I am not saying you are, just expressing the opinion more clearly). After this, the one thing that's left to do is to start thinking if I am paranoid. I don't believe that of course, but I don't know. If there is still hope of being straight?... Having straight As in university is really REALLY time consuming, and it leaves you with no time, or mood for a relationship. Nevertheless, to be absolutely sure and at last know who I am (gay or straight), I need a relationship. I feel bad for myself now, not because of the fact that I could be gay, but of the fact that this question also affects my professional career. That's never happened before and in fact being less social (perhaps due to being gay) spared me more time to study. I really want someone who is experienced as a gay man to tell me if I am gay, or if all this is just an inner problem that our mind causes without us understanding it. Before coming out to my parents, I thought that i had found balance. I was about to start hitting on guys. But now I am filled with doubt. What if am not gay after all and I am about to ruin my whole life (because of racism and such, not because it's bad being gay)?
Firstly congrats on talking to your parents about this takes a lot of courage. Now what you have typed is pretty much the exact process I went through in my head when I started to come out. To me it sounds very much like you are gay but your mind is trying to hold on to any last chances to be straight, firstly fantasying about guys is a pretty big thing it shows you are mentally attracted to men and it is the first sign of sexual orientation for a lot of people. Pair that with the fact you find guys attractive visually and it sounds pretty conclusive to me. Also like you I never had a girlfriend even though I did try going out with girls I just never really felt any attraction, like you I never had a physical relationship with a girl and my mind used to play on that fact when I tried to deny I was gay. The best thing you could probably do is just try and give your brain a bit of a break from this, I know personally how hard that is to do but it does help a lot honestly. Also your parents seem to be okay with this which is great, it just sounds like they want to really want to make sure you know for sure, I had one or two questions like this with the people I've told and it's just that however accepting they may be they have not gone through this so can not 100% understand it.
Sorry I only read your first post, it is all I need. I'm just going to post the short term answer here - Are you sexually attracted to men, women or both? That is your answer, gay/straight/bi. (Not discluding asexuals/pansexuals etc but doesn't sound like the OP is) Just respond to them telling them they are talking about EMOTIONAL attraction, NOT sexual. You can't learn or adapt to being sexually attracted to the same sex, prehapps emotionally on some level, but never sexually. That's like saying "I learned to get an erection when I see a hot guy." Sounds like your parents are pretty rational, but bear in mind they may be in denial right now, it's certaintly not uncommon. Also I'm not sure they know what they are talking about. Pheromones? No. Just no. Prehapps you meant hormones? If you did mean pheromones then they are either lying or need to go back to med school. Straight people by default are attracted to specific pheromones of a specific gender, guys to girls, girls to guys. What they said is suggesting that guys started smelling like girls and now you are attracted to them. End of the day - If you get an erection to gay porn but not to lesbian porn, you are gay (discluding straight porn as even I sometimes get aroused by that, but only because my eyes are drawn to the male). Sorry if you are not to grips with it yet, but that's the way it goes. All the best.
Congrats on coming out! I actually got the same response from my mum. One of the first things she asked was "how do you know you're gay if you've never been in a relationship with a girl?" to which I replied "it's the same as asking how do you know you're straight" and then from then on I tried to explain the attraction I've had for girls since I was young and the whole process I went through coming out, how I read about it, watched movies, came on EC, etc. After coming out to my parents I also had a moment where I asked myself again "am I really gay?". This may sound a bit rational but what I did is I went through the logical reasoning that lead me to believe I was gay. So I reminded myself of the process I went through and all the "proofs" I found and that helped me answer the question which is that I am. You know yourself better than anyone else. Think back at how you came to the conclusion you're gay and be honest with yourself. Listen to your gut feeling. And don't feel like you have to go into a relationship just to prove it to yourself and to your parents.
If it turns out you are wrong, then so what? Worst case scenario you experience a small dose of the negative aspects of being gay before realizing you were wrong. It's nothing that can't be dealt with. But you know what? It sounds like you are most likely gay. While your parents are right that your experiences don't prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are gay, your experiences do provide some extremely compelling evidence that points in that direction. And don't forget the law of Occam's razor, in which the simplest explanation is usually most likely to be correct. Which is more likely? That you are gay, or that you are doing mental backflips in order to hide your straightness from yourself so that you can live the difficult life of a gay man? But how can you know for sure? Try this. Close your eyes (after reading the rest of this, of course ). Now move your hand so that it is floating in front of your face. How do you know if your hand is really there when you can't see it or feel it? It could still be in the original position but your mind is just making you think it is floating in front of your face. Open your eyes and see where your hand really is. It's right where you expected it to be. If someone told you that your own hand wasn't where you knew it was, would you second guess yourself? Your orientation is something only you can know and come to truly understand. Others can help direct you to or from your destination, but you need to walk there yourself. Good luck on figuring things out. I'll be rooting for you, no matter what conclusion you come to!
To OP You came out to them for a reason, right? Because you were sure of yourself (at the moment), and you trusted them. They may have tried to confuse you because it is not their vision of you. My parents actually asked me something similar-- I can't remember exactly what, but it was something A LOT like that.... I myself faced that same kind of doubt because of that question... and really ate me up inside. Your parents have tried to rationalize your being gay as a fallacy in saying that you don't know because you've never experimented with a guy. You know yourself better than others. You were sure when you came out, you say. Then follow yourself.
Hi, and a slightly belated welcome to EC. My guess is your parents are in denial, and that's a natural and expected first stage of their coming to accept who you are. (the stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.) You need not question yourself any further; it seems really clear from the description you've given that you are, in fact, gay. As far as your mom's question, you could easily turn it around on her: Did she have to have sex with someone before she knew she was attracted to men? Likely not. Also, the stuff about guys being aggressive, normal straight males feeling attraction to guys and all that... is complete BS. As is most of Freudian theory. So... I think if you gently hold your ground, perhaps give them some PFLAG materials, and just be patient, you'll find they'll come around.
