Lately I can't shake my feelings of worthlessness when I'm around my straight friends. None of them know about me, and I find it harder and harder to deal with an inferiority complex I've developed around them. I can't open up to my friends anymore because I've got a sort of learned helplessness--even if I did share what's on my mind, they don't really help me with it or make me feel better other than a pat on the back and a word or two of "it'll be alright" or "hope you feel better." If I'm upset, apparently I can look really scary (though, mind you, I don't snap at people or act like a complete drama queen or anything like that. I just get a serious look on my face and clam up, which makes me seem "unapproachable.") Everyone is telling me I need to open up more, but I don't know how if everyone around me is like this and never really reach out to me unless I spell it out for them that I'd like some support. It's gotten more and more noticeable, and I feel like the wallflower more and more who no one wants to talk to unless their other friends are unavailable. And if I do seem like I'm upset about anything, they'll act very offended and blame me for being selfish or just leave me alone altogether. It sucks, and it doesn't feel fair, but the worst part is that I'm starting to believe them. I'm starting to deny it when I feel upset or sad or jealous or anything that can be interpreted as negative. I just clam up because I don't want to be put down. I don't want to be told it's wrong to feel anything negative, but it's somehow worse when I don't tell them. Can someone please just tell me what's wrong with me???:tears: I don't want to feel so lame about life or people, but I'm not ready to open up to friends who are so reluctant to offer help when I need it most. And I don't want to self-harm myself again. Any advice?? Or hugs??
There's nothing wrong with having feelings of anger, jealousy, etc so just remember that whenever you feel like suppressing your emotions. Shutting yourself off from your emotions will only end up hurting you in the long run. So whenever you start feeling these "negative" emotions, jot them down or just keep posting them on EC if there is no one else to talk to. Instead of one hug, I shall give you three. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) As far as your friends are concerned, it's possible that because you normally clam up, they may think that you never want to talk about things. That may be one reason that they are reluctant to talk to you about your feelings. Since you never talk about your feelings, they may not know when you are upset about something and as a result, may think you're upset at them and not at your specific issue (I'm giving your friends the benefit of the doubt, they may simply be jerks but from what you've said, that doesn't seem to be the case.) You said that they say things like "hope you'll feel better" and you want more than that as advice. The thing is that sometimes we have to tell people what it is we need from them or ask for help. People cannot read each other's minds so sometimes you have to say, "Listen I'm feeling really bummed about x,y,z and I just really need you to listen right now and give me some advice". It's hard asking people for help or letting them know that you need them, but humans are social creatures that like to share and bond with other people. So sometimes you need to let go of the fear that they will reject you and simply say what is on your mind. Vulnerability is terrifying but the benefits of it can sometimes truly be rewarding. So if you really want to keep these friends and get the support you need from them, you need to open up to them and tell them what it is that you need. They may reject you but they may also embrace you. You will never know unless you try. I don't know if that helped in anyway but I really can relate to a lot of what you said so know that you're definitely not alone (*hug*)
Lots of hugs (*hug*) If you need supportive people to talk to face to face about being lesbian or related issues in your life, you could look for queer support groups in your area. They're usually very welcoming to new members. Your straight friends might not be able to understand, even if they're trying. It's also possible that you'd be better off with new friends. When you talk about your straight friends, do you mean one group that usually hangs out all together? Because if so, having friends outside that group could help. Are they homophobic? If they are, it's probably time to look for more accepting friends. It's a lot easier to open up to one person than to several people at once. If you need someone to listen, you could find a time and place to talk to them alone, and mention that you need to talk and you want them to listen. Sometimes family members are more helpful than friends, too. If you have a parent/aunt/uncle/older sibling/etc. whom you trust, they might be a good person to talk to about things that are bothering you. More hugs (*hug*)
Thank you both, I feel a little better now, I guess. I'll definitely keep using EC when I feel the need to vent--I know everyone here is supportive and really awesome! I'm in my school's GSA, but none of them are really around that much since they're all younger than me. Different schedules and everything, plus meetings are only every other week. My straight friends might want to try and understand, but from what I've seen they don't try hard to deal with anyone else's issues even if it's not me. Mostly it's my main group of friends that are the problem, so I'll probably try to get more involved with my other friends from other circles--at least I know I'm comfortable around them. I think one or two of my close friends might be truly homophobic, but I'm pretty sure the others are either indifferent or supportive. I'm still looking forward to college when I can get different friends. I know I loved it when I went on a choir tour a month or two ago and I met some great friends there; the choir were different people than I usually hung out with, so it was refreshing. I'm even trying to arrange to see my roommates again sometime soon, and I know from the trip that they're both bisexual! :lol: For now I've been talking about my problems with my sister. We're really close and she understands my point of view very well as in addition to other people's. The only thing is that she doesn't really "console" me like I'd like, she just tells me how to improve myself which I'd be more willing to listen to after some more hugs and reassurance. Otherwise I just feel pitiful and not really "better."
OMG, I feel the same way, going though the same thing. I can't even talk to anyone right now because I just can't even speak. The only people available to talk to are the people who are the problem. Feeling like this is horrible. I feel sick. For the last 20 hours I've been hiding in bed, ignoring their texts and FB. I'm amazed I'm even writing here... I understand feeling worthless. I feel as if I have very little value also. It's not that I depend on other people's praise to be happy, I just feel like my friends are merely putting up with me for a while, not that I'm actually wanted around. Like I'm the tag-along, the one person who doesn't fit into the group and that they haven't figured out how to ditch. It's become a tradition in this circle of friends to constantly make fun of me, and at first it felt like harmless teasing, but after a few years, I just can't take insults as a joke anymore. A few times is teasing, a years-long habit just feels like hatred. And this isn't even about me being gay. Another thread of mine speaks on that part of our "friendship." When I try to advocate for myself or speak up and speak my mind, almost always people seem to immediately begin working very hard to make sure that I'm not allowed to have a say regarding anything. That no matter what I say it's wrong, I'm wrong, and everything I think and know is wrong. Like I'm just supposed to sit there are be told what to think and do and say. I feel like every time I open my mouth to speak I'm doing something wrong. They make up rules about me, assumptions that I'm not allowed to correct. They think they know me, but in reality all they know about me is mostly what they've invented. And I'm absolutely NOT allowed to have something wrong that isn't a physical affliction. No emotional or mental weakness allowed, oh, unless that is, if it's their emotional or mental weakness. And then the whole world is required to come to their aid. If I have a bad day I'm somehow being a bitchy gay man, and not a real person with real problems going through real pain. I know the solution, and you've already figured it out as well: ditch these jerks and find some people who aren't mean or cruel or uncaring. People who try to give a boost rather than a cold shoulder. We'll find 'em, just gotta get through today first!(*hug*) It's gonna be okay. This is just a rough spot. We can do this!
Aww, thank you! (*hug*) I'm sure you'll find some great people, we've both just gotta keep looking! And college is a good start for me! I admire you, actually, for being so bold when you speak up for yourself (even in a post like this) without tip-toeing around actually saying exactly what you think of your "friends." I can't always do that, I don't want to be considered bad myself for speaking my mind about the people who treat me badly, which is ironic. You'd better believe if I was there when your friends are talking smack about you I'd beat 'em up good!! :lol: I totally agree!! Today I just went and sat in the bathroom for a while when I got home because no one would bother me there. All day, I've felt like I'm not allowed to complain about anything. If it's my issues, they're not important. The other day I talked to my sister and she told me to "open up more" with people, and I did find one or two friends who I'm not that close with and only share a class or two with, but other than that I feel like no one wants to bother. Like you, I mostly only have the people who are the problem to talk to, and it sucks. I've told some of my friends directly that I NEED HELP in working through a personal problem or to fix a social problem with another person--but no one ever does anything. Big surprise. Even if I'm venting to one of my friends, even my best friend today, they'll listen with a blank expression on there face, barely even nodding, and then when I'm done say nothing. Or when I was driving home today my mother sits in the passenger seat to "coach" me (yes, I'm 18 and I can go down to the DMV and get my license any time I want), and since i haven't driven for a week or two because my bro needed the car after his got into an accident, she was worried I needed to "get back in the swing" of driving (even though I've been driving for quite a while now, I don't think a week or two will put a dent in my abilities). She was pointing out everything obvious like "start to break," "gas," or "don't move yet (at a red light), or for turns, "break half-way, gas half-way," :dry: and I'm just thinking, Mom!! I know how the damn breaks, gas, and rules of the road work! I can get us up a stupid hill or weave between two cars, I don't need a referee sounding disgusted with me!! But she does this every day, and if I try to hint at it that I don't like it, she's stressing me out, or I need to focus on the road and she's making me nervous, I get in trouble!!! :bang: My sister is the one who understands me the best, but she doesn't really give me a pick-me-up if I'm having a trouble with friends and she'll always defend our mom unless she's seriously out of line and being totally unreasonable that I'm close to tears. To my mind, even if she thinks she's saying "the right thing," it just comes out sounding like I'm the problem or I just need to try harder. I don't think I've hardly ever gotten an "it's not your fault" from anybody. People basically just tell me that even when they're wrong, they're right. Especially my mother. Which doesn't exactly do wonders for my self-esteem if what I think and feel is really so insignificant to other people. All I can say for myself is I can't wait to get to college--no parents, new friends, and a new beginning!! I might even get a girlfriend if I'm lucky, but I'm not getting my hopes up for human-kind so soon. :dry:
