My close circle of friends, who are straight and for the most part tolerant of pretty much anything "alternative," including LGBT folks, keep half-teasing, half-not-teasing me that now that I've come out I need to start "acting gay." As in, become the stereotypical gay they think all gay people are supposed to act like. I'm just an average guy, don't try to act or look anything. Just dress how I wanna dress, talk how I wanna talk, like the things I wanna like. Almost everyone who meets me thinks I'm straight. But I'm not trying to be a gay or straight Me, just ME. But they keep saying they're gonna get their other gay friends to "gay me up" or that "the gay collective is going to come visit and help you learn how to be gay." It makes me literally sick to my stomach. I feel the same way about people trying to make gays "act straight." These people spent many years in San Fran, where they learned to think odd things about people and life. They think all gays are easily identifiable, and that if they're not, something is wrong with them. They don't understand that many of the "normal"-looking people they encounter every day are actually gay. They think that all gay people are 100% informed on all gay issues and have extensive experience both in bed with men as well as in gay culture. Somehow me being in the closet for 20 years and out for two months, means to them that I'm an expert on being gay and furthermore that I'm "acting straight" still because I don't want to fully come out. I have tried to say that the only thing different about me is that now I'm being honest about who I am attracted to. I did my best to not hide who I was when I was in the closet, because I am a very honest person. But I feel like finally telling the truth has only resulted in my being accused of lying to myself all over again. So what's an average guy who happens to like boys supposed to do to make these people stop pressuring me to be a "kind of gay" they can understand? It's like my process of coming out doesn't matter to them, as if the pain, the hurt, the struggle, the stress, means nothing. As if there's a switch you flip and suddenly everything's fine. I feel like they don't really want to understand. I feel like they don't really want to care. How do I get it through their skulls that who I am is perfectly fine and they have zero right to judge me by how "gay" I am?:icon_sad:
Maybe you need to articulate it to them the same way you do here. Make it clear that being homosexual doesn't mean you are automatically a stereotypical gay guy, just tell them you are being yourself. It kind of sounds like they are just bugging you in a friendly way, I'm sure if they knew it was bothering you they would stop. I am probably one of the least "gay" gay guys around. I used to feel as if I was somehow supposed to act "gay", but then I realized that part of accepting my sexuality was being myself. I mean, I'm a military pilot, I look straight, I act straight (or what is stereotypically viewed as how a straight man acts)...half of my family thought I was joking when I came out, they said they never would have guessed in a million years. The key is that I am myself. You need to be yourself, not what someone else expects you to be. The only downside is I'm like a stealth gay, I'm invisible to gaydar, so meeting other guys in a small town is pretty tough.
I agree completely. Your post was very articulate and clear, TexaCali; just talk to your friends about it as if they are just a bunch of ECers. And don't hold back. My step-dad told me something when I said I was bi (after saying I was gay); he said that I didn't need to label myself or act differently at all. His exact words were: "Don't be 'gay,' Michaela, just be you."
maybe THEY need to reconsider what acting gay means and not base it on what they see on TV. I've had this happen a lot myself. Everyone tells me I'm the straightest acting gay guy they've ever met. I hate the color pink, no GaGa fan, only seen 5 episodes of Glee, don't like to dance, don't go to clubs, no high pitch to my voice, no lisp, no hand gestures (though I do give people the finger often). There is only ONE requirement to being gay: liking people of the same sex, everything else is moot
TexaCali, Thank you for voicing exactly how I've been feeling. I've been wrestling with the same thoughts internally. I don't see the need to change the man I've been for 36 years simply because I've resolved this aspect of my personality. It's refreshing to hear.
It sounds like your friends are confusing being gay with being genderqueer. I think stereotypical gay guys are slightly (or more than slightly) genderqueer, and most real gay guys are not.
^ x10 Have you talked to them and told them how much it bothers you that they keep joking about it? I say go for it and try it out. They might not be understanding just how annoying the jokes are getting. Do keep in mind that they are most likely just joking around with you. They are getting used to the idea and jokes are a very, very powerful way to cope with certain situations. You have to let them tho when they go too far tho. I will also chime in and agree with everyone else that the most important thing is to just keep being yourself. Laugh at the jokes, shrug it off, and then keep being yourself. You have only been out for 2 months. With time they will get it that you won't be changing any time soon and that they better suck it up. Give them time tho And just as a side story, don't get too offended if the same jokes come from other gay people. Some people joke and some people don't know any better, but with things like that you just have to have fun with it, shrug it off and lead by example. With my friends who are gay, we have an on-going joke about taking people's gay cards and losing gay points. Whenever one of us does something that isn't stereotypical (which is often) then we joke around with it. We all get that its just a joke tho. And on top of that my sister every so often calls me a "bad gay" compared to my boyfriend. That's keeping in mind that I'm not the "straightest-acting" guy around ---------- Post added 8th May 2012 at 03:36 PM ---------- Remember to not confuse gender expression with gender identity. Being genderqueer usually means when your gender identity is other than a man or a woman (gender fluid, two-spirit, third gender). Gender expression is how masculine or feminine you want to be on the outside, which changes on what one considered as masculine and feminine.
Oh, thank you thank you everyone! You're right, I need to just be direct and let them know how I feel about their half-not teasing. These people were also a very big part of my surviving cancer, they helped me in a lot of ways and I felt loved. But then they are so mean at times, I can't help but think they really don't like me. Sometimes I wonder if they're just the kind of people with low self-esteem, who can't decide if it's better to be liked (which makes them feel better) or hated (which makes their internal self-debasing thoughts correct). Thanks for the thoughts on gender identity! malachite: Yes! Thank you! I HATE musicals. I wear grey, black, blue, and that's it. GaGa? Don't even play it around me. Gimme some John Lee Hooker, maybe Dave Van Ronk or SRV. I like what I like and that's the end of it! Farouche, TheEdend: again, Yes! I think they are the confused ones. I've tried mentioning in conversation that they've been around more gay people every day than they knew, but they say I'm wrong. Why? They say that because I didn't live in San Francisco or have gay friends for years, that they know vastly more about being gay than me. They say that most gays are easy to spot and that people like me are both uncommon and confused about whether we want to be gay or not. Something I probably should have mentioned is that they talk about this not-exactly-behind-my-back with other people. They'll say they were just on the phone with someone and was talking with them about how they're gonna "gay me up" and get a gay friend to teach me "how to be gay." It's infuriating. It also makes me sad, their minds are so closed despite claiming to be so open. I knew there would be teasing and I made it clear that a small amount is okay with me, I'm not that thin-skinned. But the same joke over and over for weeks? That crosses into the realm of "we don't know how to tell you we're uncomfortable so rather than act like adults and talk about it rationally, we'd prefer to transfer our discomfort onto you by making fun of you until you feel just as uncomfortable." Thanks again, everyone, I always truly appreciate your support!(*hug*)
