So some of you may notice that I only come on here every few months, say the same old shit and then disappear once more. On paper everything is swell: super awesome and pretty girlfriend, a loft that I own outright, I work free lance 'making stuff' but I'm not happy. I might even say I'm depressed. My problem is that even though I know deep down that the key to my happiness is in one simple act I cannot act. And whats worse I keep on digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole. The more time passes by the more settled I (we) become and the more I risk hurting her. Regardless she will be hurt. I tell her everything she wants to hear. But the truth is I don't want kids. I don't see that future. I feel trapped. Suffocated. Like I just need to blurt it out to her but I can't because my head is under water. I find myself looking for ways to sabotage. I wish she would cheat on me so I could break up with her and not be the one doing the hurting. I'm worried that I'll knock her up. I'm worried that I'm going to have to start seeing men behind her back. She knows I lean that way (to put it mildly) and she even offers to let me have a 'gay weekend' but I can bring myself to do that. It's all our nothing you know? I suppose this is just a rant but it's really needed! I know if I just admit that I don't want kids she'll want to break up but I also know that I should be honest. The problem is IF I'm honest then I imagine I'm opening up a can of worms: I have to tell everyone. I have to....(gulp) come out, and I am not ready for that. Thanks for listening. Advice is welcome.
Why would you have to come out to everyone if you broke up with your girlfriend? How many straight people do you know come out of the closet after a breakup? I can't think of any. There is no rule you have to tell everyone why you're breaking up. You don't even have to tell your girlfriend the complete truth. "Look, you know I care for you, right? Well, I don't feel this thing between us is going to work out. I don't want kids. I want you to be happy. I am not ready to settle down, and start a family, and do all these things. I still need some time to find myself, and I don't think I can do that in a relationship with you." Okay, yes - she will be hurt. Badly. But you also know that this is unavoidable. How long do you want to drag this out? A month? A year? Several years? What if she gets pregnant? Fundamentally, you know this is about selfishness. When you care about somebody enough, you have to be willing to see them be happy. But you are afraid, and so you are using her to mask your feelings from others. Is it making you happy? No. It's making you miserable. Is it going to make her happy? No. It's going to break her heart. You have to be willing to let her go, both for her happiness and your own. If people ask why you broke up, you can tell them the truth mostly: She wanted kids and you didn't. She wanted to settle down and you didn't. It's important for you to begin making connections with other LGBT people locally. Having a support network of friends who can understand what you are going through, who you can be open with, is vital toward becoming comfortable with who you are. Once you are comfortable with yourself, then you'll feel ready to tell others the truth. I wish there was an easy answer. There isn't one. You know what you have to do. You just have to find the courage to do it. Good luck. (*hug*)
It's no surprise to me that you're having trouble coming out, or even coming forward with your girlfriend - in your mind you've built it up to be a one-shot, win-or-go-home, change-your-whole-life kind of decision. Anyone would have trouble taking that leap - so the key is not to think about it that way, and take smaller steps on a larger path. First and foremost, as you've already identified, you're essentially lying to your girlfriend and building her up to be hurt more in the future. You're also running the risk of becoming pregnant with her and thus creating another person to hurt in the long run. You already realize that these are problems, and so, even if you just know you don't want any children, you need to be honest with her about that. Trust me, as bad as things might be right now, you don't want to head down that road. I think an honest and open conversation with her is in order. If you don't want to come out to her, then don't. The fact that you don't want children and that you don't see things with you two going anywhere is sufficient reason to have this discussion as far as I'm concerned. As painful as it may be, there are decent reasons to break up with someone, or at least start talking about it, and I think this is one of those reasons. As far as coming out, have you considered doing it a person at a time? A friend you know, maybe? Or an online friend who can't contact the rest of your friends/family? You don't have to announce it to the world at the very beginning - friend by friend is a perfectly good way to start, and feel free to stack the odds in your favor, even. Start by telling people you know will have a good reaction. Nothing wrong with setting yourself up for success and support. But really, start by settling things with your girlfriend. She deserves to know how you feel, or at least that you can't be the person she wants, especially when you're in a position to create a lot of hurt by keeping silent even longer. If you feel unable to do this on your own, start talking to someone professionally. Counseling can be an unbelievable help in the process of ending a relationship - both in the sense of getting it to happen, and in making sure you, and she, come out of it better people.
