I've been out for almost 2 and 1/2 years and for the most part I've accepted and embraced being gay Last night I went out with friends and had a few drinks, then I seen a guy I use to date, the guy I lost my virginity to. He came up and gave me a hug and we caught up for a few, he has a girlfriend. I'm happy for him, really I am. Yet it started a train of thoughts that got me so down and depressed. Today I found myself kinda angry that I'm gay, angry that I'm no longer considered normal in the world. People looked at me with disgust when I cut my hair off, or when I wear my legalized gay shirt. No one for one second thought that me and my bestfriend were more then just friends, or hell any other women I'm friends with. I can't walk down the street holding hands with another woman without people looking at me or whispering or hell some outright saying rude comments to me. I've never once been upset about being gay never once gave a damn about what random people or hell my own family and co-workers have said about me. Yet now I'm going to this dark place and realizing everything I've lost. I can't see the things I've gained since coming out. This upset and scares me, am I going backwards? This can't be normal. I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through this before?
I've had some if these thoughts. I have been angry because I thought that the world looked at me as not normal. I look at it this way, the problem with normal is that there is really no definition of it. One person's normal could be totally different that another person's normal. I also think that it is normal to have these thoughts. I know that I have had them on a few occasions. It is because we are being held to a different standard. Society expects us to marry someone of the opposite gender. We have to break down this expectation. It's weird how seeing somebody or going into event can trigger thoughts that you've never had before.
It honestly just through me off because it came out of left field ya know. I never really noticed all the judgements around me. It bothers me that I'm even thinking like this because I've always been so open and honest about everything. I've been that "proud lesbian" since coming out and now I'm having all these thoughts. Thank you for telling me this is normal because I've been so in my head about this all day.
I totally know what you are saying. Every now and then I get this feeling when it hits me that crap, I'm actually considered to be a perv and abnormal to people around. Its hard to describe, but its like seeing myself how someone who is a homophobe would see me. And for just a second it feels weird to know that I'm gay. Like, I am gay and open, and people actually think that's weird.. Its not a pleasant feeling at all. You have to shake those feelings off though. Give yourself some time to be angry and annoyed at the world, heck even take a whole day to do so if you need to, but then shake it off and move on. At least that's what works for me. Stay strong (*hug*)
I want to move on, I don't want to feel angry about something I can't control. I want to go back to being happy and comfortable with being gay. Being gay isn't supposed to define me, its not the biggest part of who I am. Yet that's what's defined me these last two years and for the most part ive ignored it but when I walk into a room and they say hey the lesbian is here. It's just a lot to handle lately and I seem to be crumbling under the pressure
