Hi, i'm new here. I'm new here. I write because i have been struggling with questions on my own sensuality for a couple of month now. I'm not English born so sorry for my eventual bad english. So first i life story. I my say that i have always been a weird child. I was very shy and anxious from when i was a kid. I was obsessed with my weight too witch led to be bulimic (No one actually knows this) by i get past it. I was always very loanly but i kind of got used to it. I have always had a low self esteem but kind of hided it. You know... The thing is i had always an incredible libido. From just looking at a girl i got and erection in no time. Never questioned my sexuality. I kinda always questioned if i can suddisfy a woman (i had the fear i have a small penis). Yeah never looked at guys. Had multiple crushes trught middleschool and hight school And i had weird toughts about anything, i was afraid i coud kill someone or go crazy or have skyzofrenia. I don't know, but this things always kepts my from trying to date girls, i was afraid that they woud think i'm crazy, i woud hurt them and lose them. I was afraid i'm going to die alone. Thing is i never been dianosticised with OCD or anything like it. Also at the same time i was proud of who i was. I had my first sex ecounter with a girl at the age of 21, and it was fantastic. I coud stand erection for houers. I've been with this girl for 1 mounth. She left and returned after 1 year for the summer but i rejected it. I didn't want to hurt her i was afraid that if she find out that i'm so esecure and that she was my first, she will dump me. i don't know why. Than came another girl. I wos kinda struggling with my college year bein a disaster and had a huge crush on this girl. (i met her, she had once sex with my roommate and sleeped over) But she was trubled in her own way. So when i hooked here up some weeks later we sleept toghether i wanted to have sex and had a huge erection but decided not to (becouse she was very sensitive and going trught a hard time and i didn't want to hurt her by only wanting sex). I was kind of in love for the first time in my life but bad communication ruined everything. Becouse after a while i wanted to have sex but she wasen't sure. So i kinda went crazy and superexited and didn't think about anything else. Well let's say that this thing destroyed my self esteem even more. i begun to drink and kinda of went out of control. Tried with other chicks but it was still too fresh form me and i was afraid as hell that i woud ruin another relationship trying to have sex to soon. I was afraid that i coud be hurt again i think (but i was attracted). Thing is i was afraid to try anything serious with this girls. And than one day it hit me "Am i gay?" At first the thought went away but stayed in the back of the mind. I was thinking about it every now and then. By my drive for girls never gone away. But from a point forward i was horrified of the thought. Cheking if i get arousal staring at man and getting panic attacks. I never once got an erection but i coudent stant to be around mans and lost all drive for girls (At one point a was getting sick of being to close to a women becouse i didn't feel nothing). Then i sad to myself "This is too hard". I have to know. I watched a gay porno and almost throw up. But i was thinking well maybe i'm just not used to it. And watched it again tring to not throw up. but i didn't get arousal actually my penis get smaller. that camed my for a while (day xd). But than it started again the next day i was costantly cheking if i get and erection witch i never did. I started to search coming out stories and other things i come on HOCD. it fits. But i'm not really sure it exist. i have no desire to be with men that's true. but i wouden't mind it i were gay. I don't want to be a repressed homosexual. So i forced myself to watch gay porn and masturbate tring to get and erection and stuff. i tried to enjoid it. it's not for me i think but if it's who i am then so be it. i just want my happyness back. But i can't get arousal from thinking this i don't get arousal from 2 man sucking eash other. I tried to imagine myself getting intimate with a man. well to be fair it doasen't bother me anymore, i kinda get past that, but it doasen't exite me. When i think about being with a girl i get hard, and then tried to picture myself with a man sucking his dick and all the things young man do tried to tell to myself this boy is pretty abs and everthing, tried all. But nothing. i loose my erection. But i'm very confused. If it doasen't bother me, doase it mean i like it? or i just got used to it? it feels kind of forced. But i still getting panic attacks when i see some good looking guy and tell to myself that i want to kiss it or anything i trie to imagine myself with him end i don't get an erection, quite the opposite. I started to thinks maybe i'm a trans. It calmed my down. Becouse i'm very sensitive and all. but i have never felt like a girl at all i tryed to picture myself like a girl but it dousent sue me From time to time it have happend that i have fear to be a pedophile and i was freaking aout. As you can see i'm very confused. I can say if i'm straght or gay of somewhere in between. Coud it be that i never realised it? From the beginning of this i costantly trying to think of signals from the past. I coud easly be gay all this time. what if all my problems where from this? I sometimes asked myself what i woud do if i discovered it. Have i inernal Homophobia? I just have no desire to be with a man apart from nornal frendship. It's not that i wan't it but i don't want to want it. is this denial? How doas Internal Homphobia works exactly in a man? and denial? I don't know who i am anymore and i don't know if i ever know it anymore. I'm avery psycologist wet dream and an english teacher worst nightmare it seems. I woud like some claryfi from someone who has passed on being gay if can help me make clear some things thanks
In the end only you can determine what your sexual orientation truly is. That being said, if I had to guess, I would guess that you are straight. Your strong attraction toward girls and lack of attraction toward guys implies that you definitely aren't gay. Perhaps you are slightly bisexual, but even that seems unlikely from what you have typed here. Keep in mind that I can't see things through your eyes, so this is just a guess. It sounds like you have trouble forming relationships with girls, and not trouble desiring relationships with girls. And you aren't doing anyone any favors by fantasizing about guys if you don't enjoy it. I am glad to hear that you wouldn't have a problem being gay if it turns out you are, but to me it doesn't sound like that is the situation. I hope this post helped!
Thanks. Maybe slightly. I don't know. Sometimes i tell myself i am gayor i am a girl and it calm me down. Then again i think i have a problem with relationships in general. I hate to be a burden. And after that let's say love story i think i decided to quit from girls in general and that's when the question came. I don't really know if i'm fooling myself in thinking this. I mean with a guy i pictured a relationship and it woud be much simpler XD What i'm really not sure about is that i have a feeling i want to be gay. Then again to have sex with a guy doasen't do it for me. bud i lost my desire for woman in the last months and that's what trubles me. When i see a woman i have to think about it because all my attention are on if males attracts me. I think of this all day long and i'm thinking i woud like to trie to kiss a guy just to see if something happens. I mean when someone thinks about being gay doas it mean that he finds pleasure in picturing a guy let's say, have oral sex with him? but don't want to think about it beacouse he don't want that feeling? I know being gay is not all sex by the way. This comes from the fact that i always liked woman and considered myself a gentleman. Now i'm not sure if that was a sign of being gay, or i'm just scared of sex becouse it ruined that relationship and i'm scared of that happening again. That's why i asked about internal homphobia, because i didn't understand exactly who it works. Thas that mean that he knows he enjois itbut refuse to acceptit or he dont' enjoi it, or he dosen't even wonna thinks about it?
Hi there, and welcome to EmptyClosets. Internal homophobia is where you're against gays and homosexuality because deep down you're afraid of it, don't understand it, and don't want to deal with it - even though you're gay yourself. That doesn't sound like you. You sound like the opposite to be honest. You're not hostile towards gays and it would appear that you're straight. Life, and relationships in particular, can be quite complicated. We all have our own issues and our own challenges. You've been aroused in the past (until just recently) by women, so it's likely that you're straight. My advice would be to relax and not even think about it. Assume that you're straight and go with that. If you find that over time your attraction to men increases, then perhaps you're not straight. And that would be OK too. This isn't something that you can take a test for. You'll figure it out eventually - we all do.
Well to be honest i always joked about it ("Like that i love a friend of mine and stuff") I don't have problems with gays no never had. Perhaps for my problems i knew how it is to feel different so i never mind. Ah what does it mean when your nipples get hard sometimes? Arousal? What i ask, coud it be that my internal homophobia is blocking me from having an erection when i think about man? i'm not sure if i have it or not. i have a feeling that even when i masturbate to woman i subcosciusly think of man. Last week a girlfriend of mind kissed me and i had an 3/4 arection let's say. I think i closed in a loop as you can see
No, your internal homophobia is not blocking you from having an erection when thinking about men. You said yourself that you have no problem with gays, and you even want to be gay! I think it is your weird thoughts about 'killing someone', 'having schizophrenia' and 'losing girls' which lead on to you having HOCD (even though HOCD is not proven to exit). You said you were not diagnosed with OCD but it does sound like you may have it. I think you are straight ^^
Are you sure? Huh. ok. i don't know. The things that bothers me is that i think i'm ok to be gay becouse i think i'm not. I honestly can't see myself with a guy having sex. But what if something is blocking me? that's my fear, that secretly i don't want to be it and i'm folling myself. It's very stresfull and it's destroing my life. And my life was already a disaster. I don't know anything anymore. I woud like to kiss a guy just to get it over with xd
I now think i am in denial. I don't know exactly. Yesterday i smoked. With my best frend there and started to think do i wonna fuck him. oh yeah. It was a strange feeling. The problem is i started to picture womans and everything. I dont know. I have a feeling that all i have ever wonted to do to woman, i want that is be done on me. But i'm not sure. Again cud it be that i'm in fact a woman and a slut by that? XD I don't understand myself anymore xd
