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I don't even know what I'm questioning, I just know that I am

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by super confused, May 9, 2012.

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  1. super confused

    super confused
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    Hey, guys. Sorry it's a little lengthy, but it's extremely important to me.

    So, my mind is one of action. It processes emotions very quickly. Mulling things over is a concept that is strange and foreign to me. Not because I'm impulsive, but because I just process situations very quickly while still being thorough. Being confused or unsure is new to me (when I am, I look to you). And I'm not sure about something...

    I have had sex with a girl, but not a guy. I don't want to have sex with a guy. At all. Ever. End of discussion. But that's not what I'm questioning. What I'm confused about is the fact that when I do other sexual (but non penis-related) things with a guy, it's fine. I can forget that it's a guy (for the most part). But my guy friend (with limited benefits), James, and I have gone pretty far; and anytime I touch him...there, I literally have to fight the urge to run from the room. And throw up. And then, afterward, I feel this anger and self-loathing and overwhelming shame. Basically, depression for a day or two. That never happens when we keep it above the belt, and it never happens with a girl (no matter what happens); in fact, when we keep it above the belt or when I'm with a girl, I'm flying high for days afterward.

    At first, I thought that I would either end up in a romantic but non-sexual relationship with a man or with a sexual but not very romantic relationship with a woman. But now, now that the fog of confusion and doubt is clearing, and I'm finally facing my traumatic childhood instead of trying to run from it, I can see everything that I could never see before. I can see a whole future with a woman. Not a specific woman, but a woman in general. I can see going on a date with a girl, holding her hand, introducing her as my girlfriend (and vice versa), falling in love with her, proposing to her or accepting a proposal from her, getting married, having a wife, having a kid (or kids) who loves his/her moms. I can see the whole thing, and think, "Oh. Of course I want that. Why would I have a boyfriend? Why would I marry a man?" But I definitely find guys physically/sexually attractive (from the waist up).

    What does all this mean? I do find James attractive (again, from the waist up) and I really like all the other stuff we do. And (even though I prefer girls) I like that he's a big, strong, masculine guy. But penises just make me panic and freak out.

    Does that make me gay? Or like a Kinsey 4.5-5.5?

    As always, I appreciate the hot fire of truth in advance. (Note: The hot fire of truth includes but is not limited to--questions, comments, compliments, and advice)
     
    #1 super confused, May 9, 2012
  2. Maialuna

    Maialuna
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    I would say, in my own opinion, that you probably are gay. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy sexual things with men. You might not be sexually attracted to men, but enjoy things over the belt just because of an emotional connection. (I don't know how romantic things are with him, of course, considering you said friends with limited benefits.) Although I'm only a teenager and am not at all a good resource on this, I thought I'd share my opinion anyways. I can imagine being in relationships with males, even kissing them, and think I would probably enjoy it (I haven't tested the latter of that theory, though). However, I have gone farther with my girlfriend and I can't imagine anything of that nature with a guy. It just weirds me out, even above the belt. If I was single, I'd be totally open to relationships with anyone, but it would most likely only be a sexual relationship with a girl (again lacking experience, so I can't say for sure). I would just explain to James that it isn't him, you just don't like things that are below the belt. If he's a good friend he'll probably understand.

    I personally would rather not limit myself to labels unless I'm trying to explain things to other people. Even the Kinsey scale can be limiting. Sexuality can be a pendulum, it's not at all concrete. You know what you like, and you are in charge of what you do, so why does it matter?
     
    #2 Maialuna, May 9, 2012
  3. Tetraquark

    Tetraquark Guest

    I'm in a vaguely similar situation (I can find men attractive from the waist up, especially the face, but I have lost any interest I may have once had in dating them), and I have started identifying as gay rather than bi. I asked myself whether I thought I would be happy in a relationship with a man. The answer was no. Hence why I've settled on "effectively lesbian" for my orientation, for now at least.

    As to whether you are gay or bisexual, you're the only one who can make the call. The following questions might help clear things up:

    Would you sleep with a guy? Do you think you would be happy in a relationship with one? You said you can see yourself marrying a woman and having children with her; can you do the same thing with a man?

    Keep in mind that you don't have to be a Kinsey 6 to be gay, or a Kinsey 3 to be bi (or a Kinsey 0 to be straight, for that matter).
     
    #3 Tetraquark, May 9, 2012
  4. super confused

    super confused
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    Well, I wouldn't have sex with a guy, but I would (and have) literally sleep with a guy. I actually really like doing that. Because I believe that true love does not see gender, I believe that I would be happy in a relationship with a guy, and I guess I could see the other stuff with a guy, but I see it stronger/more clearly with a woman. I think that's because I could have the entire in-love experience with a woman; even the sexual component, which I could never truly have with a man. Maybe that makes me a bi-romantic homosexual...who also finds guys attractive from the waist up...?

    I know that some people have issues with labeling, but this is purely for myself. I'm not going to be telling people all that...I pretty much go with bisexual when I come out to someone. I just need to be able to explain to myself what I am so that I can really know who I am.
     
    #4 super confused, May 9, 2012
  5. unicornhorn

    unicornhorn
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    I know exactly what you mean. Like, I'm totally supergay, I don't want to sleep with, date, or marry a man...but I would still totally make out with a dude, right on the mouth. (If he was hot.) Just because I'm not sexually attracted to them, like, at all, doesn't mean I can't find them attractive, ya know? I call it "straight above the waist" when pressed: I'm gay, but I wouldn't mind sleeping in a shirtless pile of the Avengers.
     
    #5 unicornhorn, May 10, 2012
  6. LauraMarie

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    I have the same thing, i find guys attractive and maybe cute but i wouldt sleep with them or even kiss them because to me it feels wrong. But with my girlfriend it seems right and ment to be. You dont have to put a lable on how you feel just think of what you want in the future!
     
    #6 LauraMarie, May 10, 2012
  7. super confused

    super confused
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    I think identifying myself as bi to other people is probably best. Because I would be in a relationship with a guy, and I believe myself capable of falling in love with a guy, and, if I identify myself as gay and then I get a boyfriend, my family will probably make fun of me (not in a mean way; I would just have to deal with a lot of jokes). But, purely based on definitions, I am technically a bi-romantic homosexual.

    But I would also like to acknowledge that you guys are right: I really don't need labels. I just like having a word or phrase with which I can classify myself; I like to be able to belong somewhere.
     
    #7 super confused, May 11, 2012
  8. Deaf Not Blind

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    well you are not transgender, so sounds like you are kinda lesbian. but if it is because of someone r@pe you as a child, maybe not. you could be fearful of that memory trauma. i know a really nice lady that went lesbian, but then fell in love with a man, and because they didn't force sex, waited until her mind got able to see him as not the same as the bad guy, she somehow got over it enough to have his baby. go figure. don't know if that helps anyone, but thought id put it out there in case it does.

    me, i can't imagine even kissing a guy, are a girl, in my birth body. if i could become male i would definitely kiss girls!
     
    #8 Deaf Not Blind, May 11, 2012
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