I have a friend who I know isn't straight (maintains he likes girls and just "likes the look of guys" but I know this not to be the case. Here is my conversation with him: i asked him if he "disliked" being attracted to guys, he said: abit i said "does anyone know but me?", he replied: no one but then i told him his closer female friends (all his friends are female) probably already know as they're generally very intuitive and he's not exactly macho. he said, to that: "well i aint gonnna tell them so we'll never know" now he's insistent he will never, ever tell them, so i asked what about if he falls for a guy, and he said: i won't let myself. he also said it doesn't fit in with his life plan, which is getting married and having kids. i told him straight doesn't = happy marriage with kids, and i said fighting sexuality is a losing battle, to which he responded "that life will make me happy so i'm gonna make it happen." he's clearly...very troubled about this, and i want to be able to help him. how can i...? i'm starting to think he's going to be someone who comes out when they're 60.
Well, he can get married to a guy and still raise kids. What about you? Are you gay/bi? If so, are you out? If you're straight, be out of the closet as an ally. Let people know, calmly and quietly and confidently, that it's okay and normal to be gay, it's not a choice, it's a sexual orientation, you personally think gay people are not that different from straight people, and so on.
You have to let him go though his own stuff. Its easy to think that because you have been/are going though the same things that you can help him, the reality is he must first want to be helped, and that you really cant do anything for him then be there for him. You can give him love and support in coming out, but pushing him is only going to make him more confused and resentful. You cant fix someone's problems for them, they must make that decision on their own. My advice is to not even bring the topic up, let him come to the realization that his "life's plan" isnt going to work, its much more effective when people move at their own pace.
Pushing him might just drive him away. But maybe if you can show him that he can be gay and still have his life plans, he might start to accept himself.
As said as it is, you're all right... But I'm just so worried for him. It worries me when he says things like this: "It annoys me when people tell me that I'm gonna have to do this with my life and accept things. I make my own life, okay." That's a strong, very commendable way of thinking, but obviously, in his head, this means he's choosing to be straight. But it's not my battle...I can't do anything but be there for him in the end. Argh, this is annoying.
He can't choose to be straight, he can only choose to pretend to be straight. It is his choice nonetheless. Talking about being gay without talking specifically about him being gay might help, you never know what effect you words will have, but ultimately it's up to him.
