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I'm on the edge of giving up.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by schs2403, May 10, 2012.

  1. schs2403

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    Sometimes I really question the meaning of love . I tried, I really did. I may not have fell in love many times enough times, but the times I did was enough to keep me from wanting more.

    I am a closet lesbian. I had a plan, to come out of the closet when I met the one. This might sound stupid, but at least then I know there will be someone who would support me unconditionally, which I needed the most.

    I have had countless crushes on people whom I know would never develop feelings for me, out of which I would say I've only fallen in love once. I didn't confess, I just didn't dare. It was too obvious she wasn't interested, but I can't help it. I kept the feelings for 3 years, and now, I feel like a complete idiot. This is what exactly kept me from wanting more again, I'm just really scared of the pain that comes. It hurts, too badly. And I'm not someone who lets go of my feelings well.

    Until recently, I met a girl, I kind of see a future in her. I liked the relationship as it is now, we're close friends (but with a larger group of others as well). I told myself I'd wait and see how, and if she isn't the one, I should probably back off. But for some reason, every little crap she does makes me feel like ****, and it sucks more than ever. A single text she didn't reply makes me feel like killing myself for who knows what reason, and I'm very sick of tired of myself for feeling this way.

    Then, I figured she is straight (or at least was). But she hadn't had a boyfriend since 2 years ago. And I'm using this as the very excuse to hang on with the relationship. This isn't healthy, and I know it darn well how it will end up.

    But I really don't know what to do anymore. If I were to leave and find someone else, I'd face the same thing all over again, right? I'm just SO TIRED of trying. I'm 20 this year, young, maybe. I never had a girlfriend, and I feel I'm never going to have one.

    Any advice on what I should do now? :frowning2:
     
  2. Ididnknow

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    As a closeted gay man I know where your coming from, on the part where you meet a person you like and you cant really tell if there into you, and feel the same way you do about them.

    You said your tried of trying but ...and this may be where its hard to hear the truth.. but your not really trying. Your keeping your feelings bottled in because if you actually opened your feelings to them there is the ideal of rejection..

    All you can do is express your feelings to them and hope for the best.... If you never take the risk you can never enjoy the rewards.
     
  3. BudderMC

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    Well honestly, how are you supposed to meet girls if you don't tell anyone you're looking and they can't figure it out for themselves? :icon_wink

    And I do second what's said above, because like both of you, I've been in the "straight crush" boat. My guy hasn't had a girlfriend ever I don't think (nor has he talked of him ever dating), only really chimes in on how good looking girls are if another person starts it first, etc. I could make a list of all the "reasons" why I think he might be into guys (or not into girls at least). And like with you and your friend, he's a really close friend of mine... the bottom line is though, he is my friend first, and I value that over anything else.

    Do I still hope somewhere deep down that he'd turn out to be into guys and madly in love with me? Sure. But I know that isn't ever going to happen, and even then, if we did have a relationship that ended up badly... I wouldn't want to sacrifice the friendship over it first. Friends like him (for me) come along once in a while; guys I see who I think are attractive come by much more frequently.

    Do yourself a favour and not only assume, but convince yourself that she's straight. She's not into girls. She's not into you. It'll hurt the first couple days, and periodically afterwards when your mind wanders back to thoughts of "...what if?", but in the long run you'll be a ton happier. Trust me, I've been there. By no means is it easy, but it's worth it.

    And on that note, while you aren't waiting on her every move in hopes she'll fall for you, you become open to the possibility of meeting someone else.

    I think what you need to do is work on coming out... networking really is the best way of meeting people, and it's certainly easier than trying to find someone without putting forth any indication you're interested. There's no rush to do it, but the benefits usually outweigh the negatives in the end. :slight_smile:

    And welcome to EC! :smilewave
     
  4. unicornhorn

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    you're only (almost) 20! you have literally the rest of your life to find someone amazing to love and take care of you. i'm 21, and i've never dated a girl- because i've only extremely recently come out, and i know i'm not emotionally ready to be in a legitimate relationship.

    further, you can't expect someone to assume you're gay and express feelings for you- for all you know, they're as deep in the closet as you are. except for some unusual circumstances, i really don't think it's easy to find a girl to date unless you're putting yourself out there, as scary as that may be.

    alternatively, get on ####### and make your profile only visible to other gay women. that way, you can try dating people without actually coming out. but that's kind of sneaky and can honestly make you feel worse. it's hard to keep secrets.
     
  5. Farouche

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    What if "The One" is out there somewhere doing the same thing? You'll never find each other, because neither of you is ready to come out first.

    On the other hand, if you do come out, she'll have a much better chance of finding you, it'll be much easier for her to come out to you, and you'll be better prepared for a relationship because you won't be starting the relationship and the coming out process at the same time.

    BTW I don't believe in waiting for "The One." That might just be because my first relationship was a complete disaster, but anyway I think it's healthy to have a few relationships and a few breakups, to get over some of the initial mistakes and awkwardness before you hook up with a person you want to spend your entire life with.
     
  6. Jim1454

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC!

    I have to admit that I'm with the others here.

    If you were to 'leave' would she even know you'd left? That's not a relationship. That's simply a fairly involved fantasy that is taking place in your own head. Although I'd agree that if you take the same approach with the next person, you'll face the same thing all over again for sure.

    Come out first, and look for a relationship second.

    So what's keeping you from being comfortable coming out? We've likely been there ourselves, and might have some suggestions around working through that.

    We're here to help.