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Diseased

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ultrabluecheese, May 11, 2012.

  1. ultrabluecheese

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    an interesting thing happened today, and I feel like, perhaps, talking about it would be rather cathartic.

    I was talking to my mom earlier today, and as we were having our conversation, she had the channel on CNN, talking about Obama's support for same-sex marriages. so she was explaining to me the entire situation (of which I'm already aware), and I thought that this was the perfect opportunity to ask about her opinion on gay people getting married. the dialog is translated from Vietnamese to English, but I tried as hard as possible to get as close to an exact translation.

    "It doesn't bother me at all," she said. "What they do is none of my business, and it's not like they're hurting me by getting married."​

    so at this point, you can imagine my satisfaction at hearing that. I mean, my mom is a super Catholic, and I honestly thought that she'd absolutely hate the idea of same-sex marriage. suffice it to say, I was pleasantly shocked at her response!

    but she continued... and even though I'm going to reveal what she said, it was, in a nutshell, a complete 180.

    "You know...it's so sad that gay people are that way. Because they were born that way, and they didn't choose to be like that. They need the most help out of everyone because they're sick. They're mentally sick."​

    my dad was also there, and he ultimately agreed with my mom. to be honest, it was almost as though I stepped into a time warp and was placed in the 1960s, when homosexuality was diagnosed as a mental illness. the entire cast of Mad Men was there and everything.

    all joking aside, though, recalling tonight's conversation makes me feel like I'll never be good enough. because even if I am going to an amazing school; even if I'm constantly making them so proud; even if I am their best (and favorite) son—there will always be something fundamentally wrong with me: I'm gay. and I need help, because I'm sick. and they'll love me no matter what—but not because they genuinely do; but because I'm diseased. because unlike other "normal kids," I was born with an inherent disadvantage.

    after that conversation, how am I supposed to see myself anymore? I see all the quagmires through which I've gone to be where I am at now, and I'm proud of the fact that I've come so far with myself; the fact that I'm so much more at peace with it than I have ever been. yet, there are moments when I feel as though no matter how much growing up I've done, and no matter how much introspection I undergo, I still feel like a child—the crying child who was overlooked; who was made into an afterthought; who felt alone—so terribly alone; who, in spite of having outgrown the image, needed someone to comfort him and to hold him.

    and I feel as though all my flaws will be blamed on the very fact that I'm gay; the very fact that I was born with a disease. "Oh, please excuse him for acting that way. He is gay, after all. It isn't his fault." and maybe that ethos has been deeply marred into my mentality all along, and maybe I never realized it until I had this conversation. maybe that's why I've always chosen to be "the good son": to show my parents that even though I'm gay, I can still be everything they wanted. to be the person whom they can always be proud of. to be...a "normal kid" even though he was actually abnormal.

    maybe if they had known earlier about my being gay, their opinions would be so much different now. maybe they'd think of a gay person no differently than they do a straight person. and above all, maybe they would care more about my happiness than they would about my sexuality. I'm not saying that they don't care about my happiness—because they do. but...maybe they would have been more aware that I need their love and support as opposed to their pity and charity. that...they don't want me to see myself fighting alone, in the dark—in the deep dark—against an unknown enemy that was, and has always been, myself.

    I had planned to come out to my family as soon as I finished my undergrad career, but at this point, I'm not sure if that's on the table anymore—at least not on the time table that I planned on.

    and I think what I want most is for my parents to tell me that everything (me, my life, and my future) is OK; that they wouldn't treat (or see) me as less of a person just because of some stroke of fate that decided whom I would be and whom I would become.

    yeah, it's a little TL;DR.
     
    #1 ultrabluecheese, May 11, 2012
    Last edited: May 11, 2012
  2. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    Well at least they're supportive of gay people, right? They're just a little uneducated about the whole matter, but once you come out to them you can change that. They won't understand until they understand gay people, when they realise your their child who's making them very very proud and you're gay, they'll realise there's nothing wrong with gay people. However if you aren't moved out you may want to be careful in this area, if they think it's a mental disease they may be willing to send you to a straight camp, although I don't know your parents so I'm unsure of this.

    You, I and every gay person in the world knows it's not a disease, those who aren't gay just simply don't understand until they personally know a gay person and realise being gay doesn't change them in the slightest, and even then they may still feel the way they do, they just simply can't understand what it's like.

    When you do finally come, make sure they understand that it is partly genetic and there's nothing in the world that can change you, there is still plenty of time for them to change their opinions.

    Sometimes you have to make yourself proud, rather than others.
     
  3. Jim1454

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    I wouldn't put too much weight on this conversation. Remember that they are forming these opinions without all the facts. One very important fact is that their favourite and most amazing son is gay. That's a big deal.

    Most of the time people hold these opinions because they don't know any gay people. They haven't had the opportunity for someone to provide them with a different perspective. They're still going on what they've been told or what they've read or what they've just assumed. They need to be educated.

    Now, they're not going to come around instantly when you tell them. It's going to take a while for them to get it. But I hope that they eventually will.

    But as Zaio was getting at, you need to be living your life for you - not for your parents. And that will get easier as you get older. You won't feel as tied to them as time goes on. Eventually you'll come to recognize that you're not responsible for they're happiness. You're responsible for your own happiness. Nobody else is - just you. So it's important that you do things that make you happy - to some extent regardless of how it affects others.

    So don't beat yourself up. And don't give up on your parents based on this one exchange.