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Anti-gay drama: Is it time for me to move out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by oneday, May 12, 2012.

  1. oneday

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    When I first joined EC at the beginning of the year, I mentioned some of these issues in my first post, but I feel like I need to get some further advice...

    Last November, an old gay friend of mine texted my sister a message that said, "Hey! Is it true your brother came out of the closet? I heard he's gay and I just want to offer my support." At the time, I was still struggling to accept myself and hadn't come out to anyone at all. I think this "friend" sent the message because he had suspicions about me being gay and wanted to start drama and not because he had heard it from someone. If he had heard it, he should have talked to me directly. Not cool at all.

    My sister approached me and told me about the message. I felt hurt and was absolutely shocked and fearful. While it wasn't true that I had come out, it was true that I was gay, but still not comfortable with it. I ended up denying everything and I felt terrible for lying to my sister and for telling her I was straight. She ended up saying, "If you were gay, it wouldn't matter to me..." That surprised me, because in the past, her and I had conversations about gays and her opinion was that she felt it wasn't "right". Now that I'm comfortable with being gay and now that I've come out to several friends, I don't know if I should tell her?

    My parents are also conservative fundamental Christians and extremely homophobic. A situation came up at the beginning of the year where an anti-gay family member, who is a "friend" on my Facebook profile, ended up calling my parents because they were worried about me after seeing all of the gay Facebook friends I had. They were worried and embarrassed about what other family members might think. Again, none of my family knows that I'm gay. My mother ended up approaching me and warned me to be careful. My Dad found out and totally blew up at me, since he thought I was probably gay and said many hurtful things to me. He was ready to disown me. Again, I had to lie and deny my sexuality in order to protect myself. I told them I was straight. I cried and cried, telling them it shouldn't matter either way and that they should love me no matter what. They said that it does matter and what our family thinks does matter, so they warned me to cut my ties with many of these gay friends. I never did.

    On a weekly basis, my Dad makes hateful homophobic comments. The other day, a gay celebrity was on TV and my Dad commented about how disgusting and unnatural it is and he went on to make horrible and derogatory comments on what this gay celebrity's sex life must be like. It was horrible to listen to. I felt like I couldn't say anything to my Dad, other than, "Well, it's good to know where your mind is." My mother doesn't behave the same way as my father does, but she thinks it is a sin to be gay. She used to say how before she was a Christian, she had no problem with gays, but she said ever since she "converted", she no longer thinks that way. I know that if I came out to my parents one day, my Mom would eventually come around, but I think my Dad would become distant and emotionally/verbally abusive. When my sister announced last summer that she had a boyfriend, my Dad blew up and threatened to kill her boyfriend. My sister and I were afraid that the situation would escalate, with my Dad resulting to physical violence. Thankfully it never did.

    I am so tired of having to listen to this crap and having to endure these periodic mini-drama's that occur at home. The other day I got myself in a horrible mood, thinking about my family and how they don't really love me and that I would be better off dead. I got really depressed and cried alone. Sometimes I go through these depressing moods, but I always pick myself up and realize that I am a person of worth and value and that I must continue to live and fight. But it's hard for me to always be happy and confident when I'm receiving these negative messages from my family.

    I am done school, I have a part-time job and will be looking for full-time work soon. I don't have my own car, but I believe I am financially stable to live on my own. Should I move out? My parents are very controlling, so I know it will be hard for me to do this, but I feel like it's the right step to make. I still love my parents very much. I am no longer close with my Dad, but it hurts me deeply whenever I think of having to leave my Mom and I know it would hurt her deeply too. However, I know in my heart that I cannot continue to live at home. What should I do?
     
    #1 oneday, May 12, 2012
    Last edited: May 12, 2012
  2. Farouche

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    You're old enough to look after yourself, so do what makes you happy. It sounds like you want to move out. Go for it.

    Your mom, like so many parents before her, will adjust to not having you at home. If you want to make it easier for her, talk to her on the phone, let her know what's going on in your life and/or make sure you spend time with her sometimes.

    Oh, and I think it's okay to come out to your sister. Do you want to?
     
  3. ayirp720

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    I'm sorry that all of this is happening to you. Some people have an easy time coming out to their family and others don't. If you're happier moving out, perhaps that's the right decision. Don't deny who you are and remember that it's okay to be gay. I'm sure 50 years from now, kids will learn about the gay movement and find it ridiculous that people ever thought it was okay to hate based on sexuality. You definitely are a person of worth and value! Sexuality does not have to define anyone. You are still the you that you always were; you're allowed to love whoever you want. Hopefully your family will recognize that in the future =)
     
  4. unicornhorn

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    You are never gonna be happy living a lie, and you can't be happy in that house. Get the heck out of there, for sure.
     
  5. Ianthe

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    +1 for coming out to your sister.

    Incidentally, I think the gay guy who talked to her probably did hear that you had come out to some people--if he's a friend of your sister's and she had accepted him, it probably didn't occur to him that you might not have told her. For many people, siblings are the first people they tell, and if his experience with her was positive he wouldn't have any reason to think you wouldn't be out to her.

    It's also likely that her experience with him as a friend contributed to her changing her views of gay people.

    Definitely move out. How old is your sister? Will she be able to move out soon? Because unless she is really young, your dad freaking out that she had a boyfriend is kind of alarming, actually.
     
  6. oneday

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    Thank you guys so much for your encouragement and advice. I know that moving out is the right step to make, but I'm afraid to do it. I guess I already know it's something I have to do, but coming here to talk about it has given me the confirmation I need. My parents are very controlling, almost to the point where it's hard for me to think on my own. When you have that sort of overpowering environment influencing you, it's difficult to have your own thoughts and it's difficult to not back down. I guess that's why I needed to come here for confirmation. Thanks again.

    Yeah, I think I will definitely come out to my sister very soon. I gotta wait for the right time. It's going to be difficult, but I know it will make things a lot easier for me. As for our friend, as I said, when he texted my sister about my sexuality, at that point, I hadn't come out to anyone at all, not even friends, so it makes me wonder what his intentions were...

    Y'all are awesome! :eusa_clap
     
  7. lemonlime

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    On a practical level, moving to a city where you wouldn't need to own a car would make your dollar go further. Also the bigger the city, the larger the queer community which might make it easier for you to meet people and find support systems.

    I hope it all goes well!
     
  8. insidehappy

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    time to move out. even if you were straight you weren't going to live there for the rest of your life and they would have to deal with it anyway so its time to move out and step out on your new life. i would personally suggest moving to a place where you could survive without a car and a place that is more supportive of gays. but if your current city/town is not like that maybe still moving out would be a good idea. your Dad sound toxic and mentally unstable and listening to his vile remarks is damaging to your self esteem. i mean really who threatens to kill someone because your sister has a boyfriend. i mean unless there was a bi age difference between her and the guy or he was some type of creep or maybe she was really young, but basically threatening murder for having a bf is a bit extreme dont you think? your mom sounds like she is nice and loving but goes along with what Dad says to some degree so she won't rock the boat. your sister sounds cool. Dad sounds like a loose cannon and its best to be away from his hate and rage. you never know, he may have his own homosexuality issues himself. who knows, who cares. you're old enough now to do your own thing. you can't have a proper boyfriend in this madness. the only people you need to delete from facebook are the gossiping family members. also the "friend" that texted your sister needs to be dropped immediately. he is drama and if he wanted to "help you" he shoudl have talked to you first. he sounds annoying and is a loser. yes, you can tell your sister when you move out. telling her now may not be a good idea as she may turn on you or tell another framily member and it may get back to Dad. if your parents are control freaks, they will discourage you from trying to move out. so dont tell them anything until you have signed your lease behind their backs. then tell them that you are planning to move out. they will likely tell you its a stupid idea and that you do not make enough money to support yoruself and you do not have a car blah blah blah. then you can tell them its already done and you're excited. then they may tell you if you leave you can never come back. so be prepared for Dad's irrational commentary. in fact he may try to kick you our straight away on the spot. so make sure to have a place to stay in case his irrationality goes to a level 10. also maybe find an apt close to public transit or your job so you can walk or ride the bus/train if you need to. i wouldn't suggest moving in with a friend unless you really trust them. sounds like your friends are shady (or at least one of them) so maybe its best to get your own place if you can swing it financially.
     
    #8 insidehappy, May 14, 2012
    Last edited: May 14, 2012
  9. Farouche

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    I'd say give your friend the benefit of the doubt, he's probably not trying to cause drama, more likely he honestly wanted to offer support but wasn't sure how to go about it.

    Since your sister knows your parents are homophobic, I assume she'll understand you aren't ready to come out to them. So I don't think she would gossip about you or anything.
     
  10. Chip

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    I suspect your parents already know at some level, and your dad is using the opportunities to talk about how terrible it is in a (misguided) attempt to "make you change." That or it's a tactic supporting denial of what he already knows is the truth.

    I don't think you need to come out to them right away, but it does definitely sound like you need to move out and be on your own as soon as possible. They aren't helping your self esteem, and the sooner you're on your own, the sooner you can start building the life that you want.
     
  11. thylvin

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    i would suggest as all the others have before me to move out. do some research on places to stay as near as possible to your work. that'll minimize travelling expenses to and from work. it doesn't have to be expensive. a single room with a bathroom and a kitchen will do. You have to start small anyhow. This way rent is affordable, and you can rather spend the much needed money on things like cutlery, cooking utensils, pots & pans, fridge and so forth. Go out, start your life and live it the way you want it to be.

    Once your out and not dependent on them, tell them. If your father then starts with his rantings, cussing and so on, give your mum a hug, tell her your address (if she doesn't know already), hug your sister goodbye, (she has your phone number, she can call you) and simply walk out. Your dad can't do anything to you. your of age, so legally his hands are tied. depending on what your sister tells you afterwards, will you know how to handle the situation. like your mom cooled down, maybe even after a few weeks your mom might come and visit you.
     
  12. insidehappy

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    in nightmare on elm street, towards the end of the movie the lead character finally get tired of running from Freddy and she confronts him head on. just when she thinks she beat him, he springs back up as she has her back turned to him. she says she is no longer scared anymore and she never looks at him. she takes steps to leave the house of horror and opens the door. Freddy charges her and tries to stab her in her back. however, when he gets close to her he ends up disappearing. the lead character learned a lesson. she was no longer putting energy and fear into this monster and she was walking out on her own and he "disappeared". life is not like the movies but i think you can take a lesson from this. at some point you have to start on your own and you can't be afriad of what mom and dad might say or do. do not put energy into their drama and start teh life you want to live.
     
  13. birdsfly

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    Sounds about as crazy as my living situation a few months ago.

    A homophobic grandmother who has a gay brother she loves and would defend, and lesbian friends. Who also looks at tv and calls a 14 year old boy who comes out as gay disgusting, unnatural, and quotes the bible. Calls him a faggot and such and then turns to me and asks If I am gay.

    Goes on to say she'd love me no matter what but wouldn't accept it and continues on about well just being negative... She'll turn to shows about gays and then berate the show...

    Anyway I am not there anymore, which really is the only thing to do.
     
  14. oneday

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    I would like to thank each and every one of you who took the time to provide advice and encouragement. I wish it were possible to meet each of you in person, because if I could, I would give each of you a huge hug (lol)! It really means a lot to me. You guys have given me the strength to take that next step forward.

    InsideHappy: Thank you so much for providing that awesome piece of wisdom. That is some real truth. I will no longer put energy into those fears and that drama. I will always remember that and I will live by it. Thank you. (*hug*)

    Birdsfly: I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother and your old living arrangement. I'm glad you're okay now and in a safe space. I hope your grandmother will come around and change her attitude one day.
     
  15. oneday

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    Considering the situation with my family...do you guys think it is safe for me to date?
     
  16. TheGreyMan

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    Personally, I'd get an apartment or place to stay ready. Whatever you can do.

    Then, come out and suddenly leave to give them time to take it.

    Sometimes people are homophobic until someone important to them is gay.