I've been putting off coming out to my extended family for ages now, and I don't know if I should not bother telling them or whether or not to wait until I have a girlfriend before they actually know. I mean, for one thing, it gets incredibly annoying having to keep silent when asked the constant question "So do you have a boyfriend yet?" I know my mom keeps saying to me "It's not their business, they don't have to know." But the truth is, it is their business. What if in the future I have a girlfriend and that's when they find out? Or if I still keep it under wraps and they keep asking when I'm going to find some nice bloke to get married to? The thing is I would love to tell them, and I've probably whined and moaned about this before but there are just two really huge things stopping me: Okay, first of all, my family on my mother's side is plagued with constant bad divorces, underage pregnancy, motorbike deaths etc. I mean, even now, my cousin about the same age as me is pregnant. Nobody really bothered with education or University, my aunts and uncles made a load of bad choices in their lives. My mom has three sisters and one brother, and each one of them has at least one of the problems listed above. My mom on the other hand, went to university, didn't have a teenage pregnancy, ended up in a good job. She's also the only one in the family who has had a divorce and is still on good terms with my dad, all the others fought over custody etc. So this in a sense has made my mother the "favourite" one, making me and my sister "the favourite grandchildren". Okay, so I'm currently taking A levels, hoping to carry on to Uni, my grandmother and the rest of the family practically think I'm the most awesome person in the family because I am my mother's child, and because I have been working hard toward a good future. The thing is, at the moment, every one else has had so much crap in their life (and I'm thinking mostly of my gran at the moment because I am really close to her) that I don't want to have to quash their expectations of me. What if I get labelled "the gay one" of the family. Through all the shit that has happened and despite the size, nobody else in the family is gay. I really want to make my grandma proud and I just think that coming out to her, even in the future would just disappoint her. And second of all, half the family, my grandma included, are strict Christians. They go to church regularly, and I've been too afraid to even bring up the subject of homosexuality in front of them, partly because if they said that they were against it, I'd never be able to look at them in the same way again. I know there are plenty of Christians out there accepting and good and everything, but my gran's a bit of a traditionalist and I have no idea if she loves me enough to accept my sexuality. Well, there's my current sob story. As you've probably guessed it's more about coming out to my gran more than anything, basically because we are very close, and I just feel really awkward when she says stuff like "I'm so proud of you..." because I can't help but feel a little doubtful if she'd say that if she knew.
same with my granma, cept i already know she doesnt like gays, we were watching coverage of this rugby match(hate rugby T_T) and it focused on members of the crowd, it focused on these guys who were obviously gay, then i heard her say "sick" to herself" kinda died a bit inside ,.... i think you should kinda bring it up but not reveal that you are and see how she reacts.
In my work with PFLAG, I've talked to many people who found that their grandparents were more accepting than even their own parents. I wouldn't write her off just yet. She may surprise you! You are a good kid and they will recognize that. Have faith in them that they are going to love and accept you for who you are.
Holly, it sounds like your situation is a LOT like mine. My dad's side has some problems, and my sister and I are the 'favored ones'. I'm considered the smartest person in my family(adults included) and I'm supposed to go on and do great things.(I HATE the pressure that puts on me, because I don't think I can live up the their expectations sometimes) They consider me 'perfect' and the 'normal' one in an otherwise insane family. I'm REALLY close to my grandma too, behind my parents(and maybe my sister) I care more about her than anyone else in my family. Fortunately, my family is not religious in the slightest, and we're a bunch of liberal democrats, so they aren't going to be opposed to me being gay for any of those reasons. It just feels like I will let them down when I come out, because I won't be 'normal', and I won't get married and have kids and (as my only other guy cousin with the family name is an alcoholic and has already had a divorce by the age of 25) continue the family name and all that....And then bringing a guy to our family gatherings...HA! I'd feel sorry for him. I can only imagine the interogation they would put him through! We're sheltered, so it'd probably be the first gay guy(outside of myself) that they would ever have had an extended converstation with...Hmm...now I've got myself all looking forward to that, and its years away...oh well... But my mom's side is a whole different ordeal. They have problems too, arguablly more, but they are conservative Republicans and try(poorly) to maintain an appearance of being religious(which they are not) just so they have a 'moral advantage' over my dad's side of the family(I consider myself to be on my dad's side, not my mom's...I HATE her mom). They will FREAK when I come out. My grandma is always bugging me about a girlfriend(I still haven't told her my last gf and I ended it almost a year ago, just so she doesn't pester me). She (my mom's mom) will probably try to have a some priest try to 'purge' the 'gay thoughts' out of me or something. At least I'll have a good reason for not talking to her after that(is that mean to say? I guess I've just never like/respected the woman. She makes comments about my dad that are completely uncalled for. He is a GREAT father, and I just pisses me off when she can't see that.) Sorry for the long post....I wasn't going to post nearly as much, but I kind of get out of hand when I'm typing sometimes.... SO, I don't know if that was really advice(it wasn't, was it?)....I guess if you are close to them there is a good chance of them accepting you. Like Becky said, have faith in them!
You have no idea how much I can relate to you! It was kind of scary reading what you wrote. My dads side of the family doesn't know about me and I've been wondering if I should tell them. They also ask me if I have a boyfriend and you are right it is annoying plus it makes me feel guilty for not telling them. I also am really focused about how coming out to them would affect my grandma because she is highly religious and isn't afraid to tell people how she feels about gay people (not in a good way by the way) I often think maybe I'll just tell her and the rest of them when I am in a serious relationship but then I think about it some more and I just wish I could get it over with. My brother and I are also considered the "favorites" also and while its not fair to the other grandchildren, we have always gotten special treatment like money and gifts for no reason. Not exactly advice huh? well at least you know you are not alone! I'm working on it and I say tell your grandma first and just tell them gradually or maybe you can mention something about gay people and see how she reacts? hey maybe she already suspects because of you constantly having to tell them that you don't have a boyfriend. Anyway this ^ is just some ideas that I have floating around in my head due to me trying to find a way to tell my grandma and the rest of my dads side of the family hope I helped in some way....... sorry I couldn't really help much.
This is probably not very helpful but what I would ask is, how would your extended family feel if they found out that were some of the only people not to know? What I mean is, is that after all the shock, which is likely to have the most-lasting negative impact on them finding out about your sexuality: the fact that you are gay, or the fact that you did not feel you could tell them? This is not to suggest that you should come out to them, or to add guilt about not being out to them to your burden (that's really not what I want to do - the reason it's hard to come out is because we *don't* know how people will react. Don't add guilt about not coming out to the problems that already come with being different). But what I mean is: do you think that, in the long run, honesty is the best policy, or do you think that they would be unable to get over your sexuality? Good luck!
That's just what I really want to do. I want terribly to be able to just say "Gran, I'm gay", but how the hell do I know that she's not going to want to see me any more? I'm even scared of bringing it up in case she guesses and doesn't like it. I know what my grandparents on my dad's side thinks about homosexuality, they actually asked me after seeing a jokey picture of me kissing a friend on the cheek; "You're not lesbian, are you." I merely told them I was not going out with my friend and they seemed happy with that. I probably should have told them then, but I chickened out. But I hardly see these grandparents an awful lot and they favour my sister anyway. I know I should have faith in my family, but there's a 50/50 chance thing in my head. She could do this or could do that, if she accepts me, it would just make life a lot nicer, if she rejects me, it would kill me.
