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So confused

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by lockness, May 13, 2012.

  1. lockness

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    Hey everyone! I really need some advice to help me figure out my sexual orientation, because right now, nothing makes sense to me. I'm a 23 yo male btw.

    I have been deathly afraid that I might be gay ever since puberty. I don't know why I'm so afraid of it, as I have nothing against gay people. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that I was bullied a lot when I was a kid and have an inferiority complex second to none because of it. I guess I just care too much about what other people think of me.

    Anyway, if I'm being completely honest with myself, I guess I've always had some kind of attraction to men, but it was never really that noticeable. It's hard to explain, but it just sort of didn't factor that much into my life. I was always a fairly regular guys guy in the sense that I fell in love with girls, was attracted to girls and had girlfriends.

    It all changed when my ex girlfriend and I broke up after 2 years together. We were very serious despite both of us being young and I loved her a lot. 3 weeks at a psychiatric institution ensued after I tried killing myself by jumping off a bridge. It wasn't just because of our breakup, I had been depressed for a long time already for various reasons and the breakup was just the final straw.

    After this, I started smoking pot, though. Every time I smoked I would start fantasizing about men uncontrollably, and it just turned into this evil circle where I would smoke pot all the time. Smoking would make me fantasize about men which in turn would make me depressed as shit. To cope with the depression, I would smoke pot. Ironic, yes? Anyways, this went on for about one and a half years. My attraction to women almost disappeared.

    Well, 6 months ago I started a new project. I was going to stop smoking pot entirely, and try to get back to my old "straight self'. I got it in my head that the gay thing just was a product of the weed smoking, because it was making me generally more paranoid and anxious (I remember reading somewhere that being afraid of being gay could make you aroused by the thought of it because it was so wrong or whatever).

    Anyway, 6 months later I think I'll have to conclude that the project was a failure. My attraction to men has lessened somewhat but not much. Likewise, my attraction to women has increased again, but also not by much. Its just come to a point where I feel like I'm just lying to myself. These days I go through cycles, though. Some days I'll be really attracted to men, which will make me depressed. I'll just sit inside my house and toy with the idea of attempting another suicide. Pathetic, I know. This will be followed by a good day or days, in which I wake up and feel good and convince myself that I'm not gay after all.

    To take things from confusing to utterly mad rambling insanity, I've recently fallen in love with a girl. I'm crazy about her, maybe even more crazy than I've ever been about anyone. Whenever she smiles at me my heart skips a beat and I count the seconds between the moments I get to spend with her. I even dream about her constantly. Now here's the kicker: I don't know if I'm sexually attracted to her. Not in the way that I used to be attracted to girls anyway. I look at her body, sure, and I think to myself "Man I'd like to hit that", but the thought doesn't give me a "rise". Is that even possible? Being in love with someone without wanting to have sex with them?

    Anyway, this all boils down to me being one confused guy these days. It feels like I don't know up from down anymore. The truth is, at some level, deep down, I can hear a voice telling me I'm gay, and all this other stuff is just a result of me not wanting to accept that. But I swear, I got another voice, just as deep down as the first one, that tells me I don't know shit. I AM literarily not sure about anything. Which sucks, because if I was sure that I was gay I would at least be able to deal with it, to process it so that I could learn to be OK with it. But as things stand right now, I'm just caught in this limbo that'll never let me move on and get over it, whatever it may be, whether I'm straight, gay or a just good old fashioned basket case.

    Well, thats my story. I know none of you can tell me what I am, I'm just hoping some of you have any tips or advice as to how I can move forwards? I just want to get to a place where I can start being OK with what I am, no matter what that might be.

    And I know there was probably a lot of irrelevant information in there, sorry for that. Its just that pretty much all the i've written in this post is information no one in the world knows or even suspects about me, so it feels good venting it somewhere. Thank you for your time :slight_smile:
     
  2. Travel Tech

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    All right, I'm going to address random parts of that in no particular order.

    First of all, don't think of it as lying to yourself, because I myself thought that at first but it really doesn't describe it. I think a better way to say it is confusing yourself, you've been raised in a society where straight is normal and considered the default position, so you assume that you're attracted to girls. For me, since I'm not straight, that sort of made me fool myself into thinking I was attracted to girls. But it's not a lie, because that implies intentional deception.

    Also, it's hard not being sure, I know. I'm the sort of person who can deal with a situation as long as I know what it is. Being unsure of your sexual orientation can be tough, but you need to try not to worry about it. You will get it figured out, and stressing over it isn't helping.

    Also, as to being attracted to a girl, but not sexually, there's a different scale for that. There are plenty of people who are heterosexual or homosexual but bi-romantic. What that means is they have the gender that they enjoy sex with, but they can be in a romantic relationship whith either gender. This can also work as homo or hetero-romantic.

    Hope I was able to help.
     
  3. Jim1454

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC. I think you've come to the right place, and I hope you find some support and suggestions here to help you work through this.

    As was already suggested, it might be just a matter of time for you to figure this out. Being able to relax and be OK with any outcome will help, and hanging out here will help with that.

    The fact that you've been thinking so much about this for a while suggests that you're not straight. I don't think that many straight guys agonize over this - they probably don't give it a second thought - if they even give it a first thought. So that would suggest to me that you're not straight.

    The fact that you have a bit of a crush on a girl would suggest that you're not gay. But remember that you've been conditioned your whole life to be heterosexual.

    I identify as gay - now. But growing up I assumed that I was straight. I had crushes on a few girls. Even in my early 20s I had a crush on a really pretty girl who worked in my office. I'd be excited to be able to talk to her - but I don't think I ever 'lusted' for her sexually. I was using gay porn off an on during that period, but wasn't ready to acknowledge that I was gay. I carried on and married another woman a few years later, had a couple of kids, and THEN came to the realization that I was gay.

    I'd recommend figuring it out before making those kind of life commitments.

    But there's no hurry. Keep talking about it - that will help.
     
  4. lemonlime

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    I've sometimes been strongly drawn towards people in a way I can't explain that's not sexual at all. It makes me want them to like me and I want to hang out with them all the time. Some people have a magnetism.
     
  5. Ianthe

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    Well, you are pretty clearly attracted to men. So, that would indicate that you are not straight, by definition.

    It might be a good idea if you just start working on self-acceptance on that much. Really accepting the fact that you like men will help to clear up the remaining confusion about whether you like women. If you are fooling yourself about it, it's as a way of not admitting that you are gay, so if you accept that you aren't straight and are attracted to men, then it will eliminate the potential underlying reason for you to fabricate feelings.

    By the way, it isn't really that your feelings weren't noticeable. It's that you were in denial about them. Denial can be very subtle, and is generally unconscious. I was in denial for a very long time--and there is no real pressing reason I should have been, in terms of the attitudes of my family or anything like that. And, it didn't feel like I was fighting or hiding anything--rather, I just failed to notice that I was attracted to girls, or even that I wasn't attracted to guys. Even when it should have been obvious.

    Also, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I have heard a lot of stories from gay men where they have had highly romantic feelings about women, somewhat as you describe. Unfortunately, these stories are usually from gay men who have had to end their marriages, because they were eventually not able to be satisfied in them.

    To me, the fact that you have really strong emotional feelings about this girl, but can't work up any real sexual interest in her, is a really strong indicator that you might be gay, and not bisexual. Because if you were ever going to want a girl, it would be her, right?

    And, since you are only 23, your past relationships with women occurred at the time in your life when it would naturally have been easiest to work up sexual interests that weren't as natural to you, the time when you had the highest sex drive of your life.

    But for now, I think you should probably just focus on accepting your attraction to men.