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Unsupportive Parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TheTwoOfUs, May 13, 2012.

  1. TheTwoOfUs

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    Hi,

    My girlfriend and I joined this website together because of the situation with our coming out to our parents.

    We have been together off and on for about 12 years. I came out to my parents about 2 years ago, and a year later my girlfriend came out to hers. My parents have been really supportive, and they treat her like she is a part of our family. Her parents, on the other hand, did not take it so well. They say they still love me, but they treat me completely different now. Her mom, especially, does not agree with our "lifestyle". They had a confrontation today (on Mother's Day) as they do on every holiday because we want to spend time with both of our families. My girlfriend's mom proceeded to tell my girlfriend that she wanted to sit down and discuss why she has chosen this lifestyle, as if it was something she chose. Her mom also commented that she and her dad are in "spiritual warfare" over her soul.

    My girlfriend's mom completely believes that being with me and being a lesbian is something that can be cured by healing or medical treatment. All she wants from her parents is acceptance and she's not getting it. We don't know how to cope with it. They say they love her no matter what, but they don't accept her choices. It's also been a challenge for me because I don't want to be around her family anymore because they treat me differently than when they thought we were just roommates. But my girlfriend needs me there for support, but I can't hardly stand to be around someone like her mom who thinks that we are possessed by evil forces. We don't know what to do anymore, and we feel very lost.

    All of our friends are straight and married. Although they have been a great support system, they can't relate to what we are going through. Any words of advice and wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. Pret Allez

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    I am terribly sorry that all that's going on. I am really glad you're parents are supportive and treat her like she's in the family. Because guess what? She is.

    I can only imagine what it must have been like for her to grow up in that household, but I am glad she found you. It must be so hard because she wants acceptance, but it sounds to me like her parents just might not be reachable. I mean, I would say by all means try, but I really really worry that they are just going to repeatedly hurt you, and your girlfriend--their daughter. I would not want to suggest that she sever ties with them.

    But I think it might just have to be a ground rule that "we don't talk about my relationships." I don't at all want to minimize that it would be a hard and sad place to be.

    But I think it's an option.
     
  3. Mercy

    Mercy Guest

    :frowning2: * hugs * im sorry u have to go through this i am too if u need someone to talk too
     
  4. TheTwoOfUs

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    Thank you both for your posts. Mercy, in our situation, my parents are supportive of us, so I can't imagine how it feels to be in your situation. It's really tough because sometimes I do just want to say to my girlfriend, at least you have my family. But I know it isn't that easy because she has her own family. I cannot even comprehend how painful that would be, and I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this situation also.

    Pret- thank you for your insight. We've both been trying to come to terms with the fact that they may never accept us. I guess I'm just confused on my role in the situation. I never have encouraged her to sever ties with her family, but I have encouraged her not to spend time with them when they are treating her badly. I don't know if that is right or wrong, but it's hard to watch the most important person in your life be continually hurt. And she wants their acceptance so badly that she will take the abuse. She is a beautiful person, and she deserves better than that.
     
  5. Mercy

    Mercy Guest

    i take all the abuse on my side
     
  6. Vabrug

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    That sucks.

    I think it might be just too early for them to digest it. As I told you on my other post I had a talk with my friend that is like a sister to me (I'll call her B). B is prejudice-free and really believes people should just be happy. Her sister (A) is my friend too but she doesn't get it. Their parents are super catholic and believe with all their heart that all that thing is a sin also people shouldn't have sex b4 merriage etc.
    I told A how I felt too. She's my friend and she deserves the truth. I like women. Her response? God treat us like roses. Sometimes we have to cut a beautiful rose so that the plant can grow stronger and more beautiful. She thinks that I am going to find a cure. She really believes that homosexuality is wrong. It's not her fault she can't help it. I love her anyway. I believe that someday she will get it. She needs time.

    When I 1st told my parents I was bisexual my mom really freaked out. She made my life a living hell. I ended up living with my dad that says that he wants me to be happy.
    Time passed. I fell for a guy. I guess people considered me cured????

    A couple of months ago my relationship wasn't going well and the repressed atraction for women came back. So... I decided to come out again. Told my mom that she made my life miserable and that was why I was avoiding her. I used to tell everything to my mom and when I 1st came out was such a surprise her reaction! We talked a lot. And time cures things (feelings... Homosexuality is not a disease people!!) and it helped us. But that took me about 7 years to settle down and she's not even religious or conservative!

    I talked to my dad as well. Told him what I was feeling and how happy I was that he understands me. He doesn't. I asked how he felt about me liking women and he said:"well, what would you feel if I were gay? Right now? It's weird!". I told him that he didn't get it at all and my aswer was:"I'll be fine. But I think your girlfriend would be really upset".

    It's hard. Even took me years to understand myself... and I don't even know if I really get everything!
    Tell your girlfriend that... if I took years to understand that: being gay is not an option. I thought that being bi ment I could opress that part of me. I finally realised, this week that the only option I have is whether to be happy or not.

    Can I live a straight life? Sure. We all can choose that "easy" path. Society will not bother us. Will I/we be happy? No. Of course not.

    I don't care if hell is real. I don't care if there is only one life or if we come back for others. I don't even care who believes in God or not. We should all be happy. I can't stop my attraction for women as my friend B can't stop her attraction for men.

    Tell your girlfriend to give some time to her parents. They love her but like all parents they want us to be happy the same way they are happy. Maybe if her mom misses her like mine missed me she will put all that behind. I didn't stop talking to my mom or visiting her but she realised how fast was all that and how quiet I was.

    I am sorry I talked too much. I guess I really needed to put all of that out of my mind. So you are really helping me here. :slight_smile:

    There's this thing that I wanna scream but since I don't have the gutts to shout that out of my window, I'll write:

    I'm f**king GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :wink:
     
  7. silverhalo

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    Its really tough and actually I think you are doing exactly the right thing by supporting her, but not making her cut all ties. I think if im right I read on another thread that it took you girls quite a few years to come to terms with things and realise what you really wanted, well sometimes it takes our parents a while as well to realise that what they really want deep down is for their child to be happy and whilst the relationship they have isnt what they had envisaged they are truely happy. Im not promising that they will come around but im saying that actually a year isnt the longest time ever. Often parents have to get angry, they have to work through this and then they have to grieve (I know it sounds weird because their child isnt dead) for the child they thought they had. Chip has a great way of explaining it in 5 steps I cant remember all of them or exactly how it goes but I do think its right. Straight people sometimes struggle to understand because its difficult to understand something you have never felt. I can sympathise and feel for someone who lost a parent at an early age, but I cannot truely understand what they feel.
    I think you should continue what you are doing and just be there for your girlfriend.
     
  8. Maxis

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    I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. I think the best thing to do is pretty much what everyone else has said. I think you should start with just waiting a little bit. I've been told during my own coming out process that parents need time to come out to themselves, to get used to the fact that you're LGBT, and some parents take longer than others. Maybe after a while your girlfriend can explain to her parents that she doesn't believe it's a choice, and she's not going to change who she is, and that she and her parents should just not talk about it anymore.

    Also, remember to give your girlfriend all the love and support you're all ready giving her and more. She's going to need it. :slight_smile:

    Let us know how things go. xx
     
  9. TheTwoOfUs

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    Thanks everyone for the support. We agreed to just let it go and give it more time. It is true; it took me many years to accept myself. It's not fair to expect them to change so quickly. I also get in the habit of comparing them to my parents, and that's not fair either.

    Thanks again for your thoughts! They are appreciated. :slight_smile: