Ereryone is hurting me my feelings in general especially my mother . Everyone says they care but i know its lies and everything in between . every time i try to talk to any one Cool is all they can say for this lonley and confused girl , i mean come on people at least someone has to give a . for how im feeling . Im not sleeping i dont wanna eat and im crying way too much i just need someone to hold me and care for one freaking minute . Why would any one say cool when they ask me whats wrong n i pour out my heart to them Oh ul sleep tomorrow or oh ul be fine im not fine and im going crazy
The funny, if painful, thing about feelings is how cyclical they are. At times we are awash in emotions and feelings and other times we are so numb to the pain that we become apathetic statues incapable of anything beyond breathing. I feel for you, as does everyone else on this board. From my teens to last year at 34, I walked around with the mental image of a noose in my head. Every time I made a mistake, did something stupid, or failed at something, that noose would jump to the forefront and dangle there, daring me to use it. Thoughts of suicide flitted around my skull for twenty years. Some days were pretty damned dark, but not dark enough for me to go through with it. All those morose thoughts and dark places finally went away when I came out. I've since informed everyone I love, outed myself on FB, and started dating my first boyfriend. The damned noose is no longer a part of me, nor does it define my life anymore. What I'm getting at is you have to find your own happiness. As much as we cherish and crave love and attention from others, you really have to love yourself before all others. I know how trite and cliched that phrase is, but I have seen the truth of it. If that profile pic of yours is you, then you have so much to offer with your smile. I hated smiling my entire life because of how I used to think I looked, but not now. If you see pictures of me currently, I have a full-tooth grin on each time. Things can and do get better, but it always starts with an attitude adjustment. I also see you blog, keep at it. Write everything down, all your anger, your angst, resentments, emotions, everything you've ever bottled up. Put it all down on paper. Get it all out and then do with it what you will. Burn it. Shred it. Bury it. Just get it all out of your system. Most importantly, build yourself up. As people, especially those of us in the LGBT crowd, we are our worst enemies. No one can tear ourselves down like we can. We have so much anger in us and we never have an outlet for expression. Find love within yourself. Start with your smile and work from there. There's more people thinking about you than you'll ever be aware of.
I do understand what its like to need support around you especially from people whom are close to you. please know that you are loved. you are cared about. Have you talked to your mum about how you need her to hug you? Sometimes parents can be oblivious to what we need that it does help to be vocal especially if thay arent normally affectionate. If you cant get the support you need maybe talk to an auntie, uncle, close friend etc. You could also chat with a counsellor as sometimes it helps to speak to an outsider and they are there to listen and support you (*hug*)
