1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Coming out in my 30s to a Catholic family

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by NZMaedel, May 14, 2012.

  1. NZMaedel

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2012
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Hello everyone,

    I've just joined the website this evening, and I'm really pleased to find a supportive place online to talk about this stuff. I'm wondering if anyone can relate to my situation, or has any words of wisdom or experience to offer.

    I've known properly that I'm attracted to women since my mid-20s, although looking back, I of course felt it much earlier than that! But it hasn't been until the past few months, as I've begun the process of splitting up with my husband, that I've really gotten in touch with it.

    I'm really pleased to have discovered something new about myself - I feel like I've found the missing piece of a puzzle, and I look back on my past and understand it so much better now. I'm starting to come out to close friends, and I'm planning to get in touch with other LGBT people. I'm lucky enough to be living in a foreign city where there's a huge expat community, with lots of activities and meet-ups. But it's a slow process making new friends here and I feel quite isolated sometimes - and I'll probably feel more isolated without my husband to keep me company. I'm actually on the other side of the world from my family, so I don't have to have any contact with them apart from through Skype.

    My parents are older, conservative Catholics. They're also extremely homophobic and I can't imagine them ever accepting my sexuality. I haven't come out to them yet - it's only been about 2 months since I announced I was leaving my husband and I think they need some time. They're absolutely devastated that my husband and I are splitting up. I'm really frightened about telling them about my sexuality, and I'm wondering if I shouldn't just put it off until the dust has settled on the divorce and until I'm a bit more established here with friends. I've distanced myself from them already because they're doing so much bible-quoting in order to try to get me to stay with my husband.

    I suppose I'm wondering about the next steps. I'm only just heading down the divorce path - in fact I'm still living with my husband for various reasons, although I'm looking for a room in a flat. I think I should take things slowly, but I'm really impatient - I feel like I'm in limbo! I have a huge teenager-ish crush on a lesbian woman who I've been spending time with as a friend. I'm not sure what to do about it - it's almost unbearable to see her now, because I'm so attracted to her - but I don't want to lose her friendship, which I worry would happen if I told her and she didn't feel the same. She doesn't even know that I like women and I'm afraid to tell her in case she somehow doesn't believe me!

    This is a hugely long thread, so if any of you readers have managed to get down to here, I really appreciate it! I'm not sure what I'm looking for from you, really. Perhaps just even to connect with other people and to tell my story.

    Thanks!
     
  2. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC!

    I don't see any reason to tell your parents right now. You've got enough on your plate now. I don't know if you live close to your parents now - that's not clear from your post - but if they're not nearby, it should be easy enough to deflect any of their "help". Even if they're not, feel free to insist you need your "alone time" to work through this.

    And you might at least consider coming out to your lesbian friend. It may be that you're "convenience crushing" on her. It's actually very common when somebody first realizes they might be gay/bi. You find somebody within your circle (sometimes gay, sometimes not), and the mindset sort of goes "Well, why can't we just be a couple? It would save the trouble of coming out and looking for a girlfriend?" I don't mean to suggest that the only thing you find appealing about her is proximity, but it DOES seem to happen a lot. (It definitely happened to me.) Coming out to her will at least give you somebody you can discuss that aspect of your life with.

    Lex
     
  3. October

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2012
    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Alabama
    Gender:
    Female
    Welcome to EC!

    If I were you I would definitely not tell your parents right now. If they are having a hard time dealing with divorce then they will probably be worse about sexuality. Let the air clear about the divorce before testing those waters.

    As for your crush:slight_smile: she should probably know you're sexuality before you tell her about your feelings. Plus, if she knows you're gay she may start looking at you in a different way(; give her time to develope feelings for you.
     
  4. NZMaedel

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 14, 2012
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Thanks Lexington and October.

    I think I'll take it slowly with my parents, as you suggest, and tell them when we've all had time to get used to the divorce.

    I've always been in a hurry when it comes to relationships - always afraid that the person will meet someone else before I get the chance, I suppose! The idea of letting something develop naturally is a good one and I think I should give it a try! Coming out to her will be quite scary, perhaps because I'm so hung up about what she thinks of me. I'm not really even sure what to say. I'm trying to think of ways to say it so that it sounds authentic, which is ridiculous!

    Here's another question - how do you actually tell people? What words do you use? I've had friends come out to me, but it's usually been in the context of introducing their new partner.
     
  5. LionsAndShadows

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2005
    Messages:
    136
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Various bits of Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi and welcome to EC. I’m sure you will get interesting and sympathetic advice here.

    Coming out is such a personal experience. Deciding when to come out is entirely down to you and you should never feel pressured into doing so. You have to listen to your own feelings and only act when you feel sure the time and place are right.

    Even though I’d self-identified as gay since my teens and had a few fulfilling (gay) relationships, I didn’t come out to my family and friends until I was thirty-four. It was only then that I felt the time was right.

    It sounds like you are dealing with a lot now, so I suggest its not time to come out to your parents. On the other hand you can probably do with some sympathetic and neutral gay/bi/lesbian people who can help you understand who you are – don’t rush it though. I would suggest starting with friendship rather than rushing into something with someone you are attracted to. Actually EC is a good place to start.

    You mention that there are a lot of potential opportunities to meet other gay and lesbian people where you are living now. Why not take the plunge and see what you can find?

    My main advice is take it slowly, listen to you inner most feelings, trust your instinct and enjoy it.