*This is longer than I intended, but once I got started, I couldn't stop writing. If you make it all the way through, I congratulate you. Thanks for reading.* I've heard through the years that life is a journey, you may as well take the scenic route. Well, I have found that is true, I'm just trying read the map, drive, and enjoy the scenery all at the same time. This is my first post and so I thought that I'd just share a little bit about myself and my journey thus far in accepting who I am. First off I'll just say that I am 21 and I'm a full time student. Somewhere deep down, I have always known that I was gay. When I was little, of course I didn't understand those feelings and didn't really know what being gay meant. My dad would use words like "faggot" and "queer" to describe certain people, and when I asked him what that meant, the explanation that I got was laced with hateful language and derogatory terms. Even as a young kid, I knew that what I felt wasn't "normal," but that was how I felt. From hearing the hate in dad's voice when he talked about these people, I knew that bringing up my feelings was not a good idea. He once told my brothers and I that if we ever came home and told him that we were fags, that we would shot on the spot because he wasn't going to have a son that was a cock sucker. The feelings never went away, but as I got into my pre-teen and early teenage years, the feelings seemed to be more evident. I notice guys more than I did girls, and definitely wasn't sexually attracted to girls. Ignorantly, I thought that I was the only one that felt what I was feeling. I figured that I was just going through a phase because there is no way that I wanted to be gay; I didn't want to like guys. It wasn't normal. I was supposed to like girls and want to do the things with them that dad did with his girlfriends. As the months and years passed, the feelings never went away, but as my body began to go through puberty and I discovered that although it brought acne, mood swings, a cracky voice :bang:, I also discovered the more pleasant things of puberty. You can use your imagination as to what I'm talking about. Time went on and I noticed even more the guys in the locker room when we were changing for gym class. Of course, I never let them catch me checking them out, and I'm not so sure that I had thoughts of having sex with them, as I simply admired their bodies. Throughout the year, those sexual thoughts did begin to develop. As I grew older, the feelings only got stronger and I became even more curious about things. I discovered erotic story sites and never cared to read the straight stories, but always went directly for the gay men stories. That lasted a few months because I was afraid to watch porn on the computer, but after a time, I discovered that, too. Once I started viewing some if it, I did check out a couple of straight videos, but was not at all interested. The main reason that I did watch those was because I thought it would fix me, although I was fixated on the man more than the woman. After maybe 3 videos, I went to check out the guy on guy vids. I would watch, and then go for a couple of weeks thinking that by seeing it, I would be turned off to it, but that didn't seem to help because after a couple of weeks, I just had to check it out again. Nothing seemed to work. I had been in church for most of my young life with grandparents and had always heard that being gay was a choice and a sin and that it must be suppressed at all costs. We had to take a stand against it and not let it influence our children. I thought that if I went to church and got saved, that would help, but I remember when I was maybe 13, a petition came to the church concerning something about homosexuality and everyone was asked to sign it. Even though I didn't want to sign it, I felt obligated, so I did. I didn't want to be singled out and ridiculed for not signing the paper. I thought that if I signed the paper, I would be fixed. If I hated homosexuality and homosexuals as much as everyone else around me did, that surely would work. WRONG! :bang: I didn't know what else to do, so from that point on, I ignored it. Even though I was a Christian, I still could not get rid of the feelings. Finally at about 14 or 15, I realized that this wasn't something that was going away and that I was just going to have to live with it. Why was it happening to me? I was a good kid. I obeyed my parents, rarely got into trouble, I made good grades, I volunteered, I went to church. This was not something that I wanted and I CERTAINLY didn't choose to be this way. It was at this point that I began to hate myself because I knew that if anyone found out, they would hate me too. Being from a very conservative, right-wing, highly religious town in north Alabama, how would people take it? If anyone found out, I would surely just die. I would lay awake at night thinking about it, praying that no one would ever find out. I prayed for God to take it away and make me normal. This went on until I was about 19 or 20. Something that I eventually realized, is that being gay doesn't determine what kind of person that I am, was, or will be any more than my being white does. Gay isn't WHAT I am, but WHO I am. Soon, I remembered all the times I did things to try and fix myself and all the prayers for God to fix me. Then, it was like something told me that I didn't need to be fixed because I wasn't broken. There was nothing wrong with me...I was simply me. Don't think for even one second that this happened over night because it didn't. This was a journey that took place over several months and that continues to this day. Over the years, I have suffered deep depression and agony in dealing with it. Even once trying to hang myself, but luckily a friend called just as I got ready to do it and told me that she knew something was going on, although she didn't know what. She told me that whatever it was, I was not alone and that in time it would all be okay. My friend saved my life. Sometimes I still get discouraged and depressed as I journey onward. From time to time, I think back to the night that I was going to kill myself and I remember the feeling that I had. I NEVER want to feel that again, and I hope no one else ever has to feel that way. One thing that helps is reading stories of people who come from similar circumstances (small town, religious family, etc.), and have made it just fine. I am also encouraged to see that others feel the exact same things that I do. They face the same struggles, emotions, and thoughts that I do. I am still working to accept it myself, but I am a lot further along now that I was 2 years ago. It's a struggle sometimes, but I take each struggle as a lesson to make me stronger. No, I'm not out, nor am I ready to be, but I am fully aware that I AM GAY. It isn't something that I chose, but it is something that I can choose to use to be the best person that I can be. Being gay doesn't change me, because it's who I've always been. It isn't always easy, but I am just thankful that I have another day of life to learn, grow, and love. Feel free to share your thoughts and your story if you want. Have a great day! Be yourself and never let anyone make you feel that being yourself is anything less than wonderful. :eusa_danc
This story is very powerful. It seems you have come a long way already, and I would like to say welcome and thank you for sharing this. There are a lot of people here who share similar experiences. I'm sure that you will find encouragement and love all around you in this community. Have fun and continue to share your life with us. We love to learn and grow together, to celebrate our triumphs and share our burdens, in hopes that we create a world that accepts, embraces, and enriches a culture of equality.
You made me think of a quote: "The dark does not define the light, it defines it. It is our fear that casts our joy into shadows" ~Brene Brown You have known much darkness in your life, and in so many ways, I have been through the same sorts of things. Your story is very powerful as it was already said, to the point at which it brought me to tears to re-live how all of that felt. You, and many others just like you, will go through this, and there is nothing we can do about it other then be strong for ourselves and others like us. Strength does not come from a lack of vulnerability, it is the presence there of. What makes you beautiful, creative, strong, and compelling is your vulnerability, and we live in a very vulnerable world! Coming out, getting a job, saying "I love you" first, these are all very vulnerable things! Doing something, and not knowing what the outcome will be for certain, that is what I am talking about. You have displayed an amazing amount of this, is what I can captivate in 5 minutes of reading your story, but there is something that I also see in reading this. You seem shut-down also. The most extreme fear that we possess is shame, it is paralyzing, and it hides behind two very ugly faces: "you are not enough (good enough, christian enough, thin enough, straight enough, tall enough, whatever)", and "who do you think you are (I know you hate yourself, you dont honestly believe what you tell people do you?, you are a terrible person, I know you Dad never loved you, ect". This shame is the root of all fear, disconnection, and all negativity. It is the difference between, I am bad, and I did something bad, and it like I said is paralyzing. What I know from my own experiences is that I would take shame, anger, sadness, depression, and kind of say "I dont like these feelings, I dont want to feel them, so I wont (became an addict in the process, and developed many self harming habits). What I didnt realize is that you cannot selectively "numb" emotion. When you numb shame, and anger, and depression, you also numb joy, fun, creativity, and the ability to connect, leaving us feeling miserabile and alone. What I do know, however, is that shame cannot survive when you talk about it, and share your feelings. When you open up to the discomfort, that is when you make progress. Embracing what you see as imperfections is the incredible ability to love yourself. When you are able to love yourself, you may then truly, deeply, love others. Your journey has come a very long way, and you sound like such an amazing, beautiful person, and loving friend and partner, but you must also realize that what everybody needs from you is your love for yourself. Also remember that god never gives us more then we can handle, sometimes he gives us all that we can handle, but never more. Sending a tremendous amount of love,
Agree with RealityCheck. It's a really inspirational story. Everyone's story is different and people here are all willing to help each other out. Thank you for sharing the story.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am also closeted and not ready to be open about my feelings, but I am slowly but surely accepting who I am. I'm sorry about your situation in Alabama. I come from a conservative family, but my parents care more about economics than social issues. Both have gay friends, they don't think gayness is a choice, and they would be accepting if me or my brothers came out as gay. They both love musicals and theatre too lol, so they are definitely exposed to it enough not to be ignorant. Plus, my dad has an openly gay cousin (who by the way is a hardcore Obama hating Republican...his only disagreement with the party is on issues regarding gay marriage and abortion. Another broken stereotype right there!) My friends are basically the same, and would be accepting (at least most of them). You have all these other conflicts with family and the society that you live in that I don't, so my heart goes out to you. I feel guilty that it would be so much easier for me to come out yet I still refuse to. Just know that you are not doing anything wrong by being gay. Gay people are the Samaritans of our day, if that biblical reference makes sense (i might be totally off). Plus, the bible does not say homosexuality is a sin according to many interpretations. In fact, much of the language against homosexuality has been added after the fact using poorer translations to support homophobic positions. I don't have much advice to give other than telling you to hang in there! You're not alone out there in Alabama, I guarantee it. There are probably plenty of people just like you going through the exact same thing, I bet even in your town. They are trying to hide it as much as you are...you can be sure of that. Best of luck to you. Oh, and don't worry about the length. I ramble on quite a lot as well :icon_bigg
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and words of encouragement. I hope that I can encourage someone as much as you've encouraged me. :icon_bigg
hay man, thank you for sharing your story. it will definitely help someone who is in a dark place in their life at the moment. By sharing our stories, we are getting closer to accepting who and what we are, not always about sexuality but many things in general too. sharing your story show that you have the courage to face this, but having a community like EC behind you, it makes facing those bad things, much easier!
That was truly an amazing story. Thank you for having the guts to share it. I have never had it that bad and I am thankful for that everyday. But you pulled through this and whatever you might still have ahead, the important thing is how far you have come. I do not know you but for some reason I am proud of you. You came to the amazing realization of who you are all by yourself. May you never forget it.
