FtM: Feeling a little down...

I'm not sure if I can really be of much help, because I'm not transgender, but you may want to try (if you do decide to come out to him) saying something like, "you know I'm transgender, right?" just in an off-hand kind of way. Don't act like it's a big deal. If you do, he'll probably think it's a big deal to you. If you find you can't make yourself say it, try writing it down or texting it to him. That may reinforce the idea that it's not this huge thing, like you don't feel the need to say it face to face.

By the way, if you don't feel like a girl, you are not actually a girl. You may be biologically female, but if your brain chemistry tells you that you are a male, then biology be damned, you're a guy. End of discussion.

 

i am ftm, or pretty much going that path you are on.
i agree with above poster, i know it is a big deal to you cuz to me too. one second you want to tell everyone, then you get fearing what the #ell am i doing??
well, luckily because of being gay he has an idea about coming out how hard it is. that don't mean he knows about us transgender men. a lesbian i met through a buddy, she was just as clueless as a straight person! ugh! if you read posts i made you see why it makes me want to stop explaining myself.
but i guess part of the journey, or mission impossible, if we have decided to accept it...here theme music...is to do just that. we have to come out to certain people and then be prepared for any reaction and then to explain every single bit about it, our personal stuff like on display.
i feel like I'm naked, them looking at my parts, when i got to explain stuff like why can't you just be a lesbian and maybe you are really a girl just try it. ugh! painful.
but you know fear is stopping us from what may make us happy.
you know factually this friend is your friend not because of your genitals, i hope anyways. a buddy is your buddy because you are his buddy.
i have went braless, it feels awful to see those bumps on my chest after binding, but does feel male as nothing but shirt on my chest. must be what pushes us to do surgery, the binders remind us we are physically femaled by mixed up hormones. :/
i posted some clothing choices i have been finding look and fit me good on another thread "1st steps" please do add anything you find as we can help each other and others.
I braved my binder and everything i got on boyish, skater stuff, and yet nobody in school or on bus mentioned it.
i think if i wore my soft pack it may get a stare if i sit or they notice the bulge. though i do want to pass.
i posted a pix my page that shows my hoody and mens shirt from mid chest on my page here. the lesbian i told you about said it looks more manly than most, and i dared put on fb. i have slight desire that others see my changes on fb and pm me about it, and a want to come out to anyone who does.
ask me anytime anything about whats going on, and if i can i will help.
Good luck bro, we are in this together, like it or not. i want to start liking it!

 

Hey man,

This is a tricky situation to be in; up side is, there are some positives. Going to go through this step by step.

First off, you're a guy. Nothing more to it. It feels like an uphill battle somedays, I hear that, but binding, dressing as a guy, having a (male) ideal for what you want your body to be like? Cis people rarely ever consider it, and if they do, they're usually aware that it's as part of cross-dressing or for sexual excitement.

Being transgendered is quite different. We adopt the appearance of our psychological gender because it feels right. When confronted with the opposite, it feels powerfully wrong.

The fact that you're experiencing this, to me, says you're a guy. Everyone has bad days, but never doubt that bro; if it's who you are, you're going to hurt so much less if you can accept it.

Next, passing. It matters a lot, to a lot of guys. The truth is, even when you pass you can feel dysphoric, and even when you don't, you can find peace in the knowledge that you're a guy, regardless. I know it seems incredibly important right now, but be aware that you will, with time, get to a point where you do pass, 100%, and that you're not any less of a guy at the moment than you will be then. Like most things, it's just a matter of time and persistence. Keep your head up - you will get there.

Next, coming out. No denying, it's scary. I think it's probably scary for every LGBT person on the planet at some point or other. That said, in my opinion, if it's someone who I feel needs to know, then I believe it's worth it. If not, then staying stealth is always an option. Consider - do you want this guy to know? Some of my very good friends don't know, because I would rather my only relation to them be as a guy, and not as a guy with a history of being biologically female. If I intend to form a romantic or sexual relationship, I tend to feel they have a right to know. Otherwise, look at it case by case. What are your intentions with this guy? Think it over, but if you conclude he needs to know, then it's worth telling him. Trust your instincts man, they're there for a reason.

Next, the voicemail thing. There are a couple of things to consider: first, if he did hear a female voice, it either means you passed, or he doesn't give a damn. He may not have asked because he may not know how to approach the topic; a lot of cis-people don't. That goes back to the coming out part above. Think it over.

Second, if he didn't hear it, then you have nothing to worry about, and can tell him, or not, in your own time.

I know the coming out thing gets tiring. To be honest though, I've watched people's attitudes to me change over the course of the last two years, through out my own transition. I can tell you that even people who knew me before, now see me completely as a guy. In fact, a friend and I had a conversation the other day, and she remarked that she can't picture 'that person' (me before transition) at all anymore, as who I am now just seems to fit perfectly. It's as if I always existed in this form, and the person I used to be never existed at all. It does take a while for people to get to that point, but I can tell you from experience, they do get there.

On the coming out as trans when you present as female vs when you prevent as female, I've done both, and I actually find people who I tell now, when I am for all intents and purposes completely male, are fine with it. They're shocked, sure, and curious, but they tend to be respectful of the past rather than repulsed by it. Neither is necessarily 'better', but do not consider coming out from the male side of the equation as a problem.

Next, unfortunately, not all gay people are particularly trans* friendly. It's ironic, one minority taking issue with another, but it can be the case. The upside is if he heard the voicemail, he's probably among the number who don't care. On the other hand, if he's not one of the guys who are okay with us, he's probably not worth your time anyway; no one should have to run with someone who doesn't accept all of them.

For the record, from the sounds of things, you're not a girl. Nor a 'girl'. Nor anything similar. Just saying xD

Rejection or being ignored is a scary possibility, but it is something you can get through, on the chance it does happen. The question is, again, how much you want to run with him, and if he's worth running with if he can't accept you. I know this hurts, man, but I promise you, you can get through it.

I don't know if any of this will help, but your best bet is to sit down and think it through logically; fear is understandable, but it's not unbeatable. All the best, man, and let us know how it goes.