My mum was nattering away about something in the car, and the topic of marriage came up. "... If the man you choose to marry ..." were her words. Now, I know she's in denial, but this really hurt. It felt like a personal insult. What hurt me was the fact that she actually went out of her way to say man, because I heard her begin to say person and then changed her mind. Was I delluded in hoping that my mother, even if she doesnt believe me, would make a conscious effort to use gender-neutral terms? I mean, she was at least pretending to believe me a while back. But yeah. This stung. Is that normal? Or am I just being too sensitive? Should I point it out next time? Those of you who know me better know that, to maintain a healthy and peaceful atmosphere in my house, my sexuality is not brought up. But if my mum chooses to make these subtle comments, she isn't playing by the rules.. So why should I? Advice please.. Can anyone relate?
How long have you been out to her? It may be that you just need to give her time to process and accept that you are who you are. I know it might be hard, but I don't think her intent was to disrespect or hurt you as much as it was a -- perhaps partially unconscious -- attempt to avoid the truth and her own discomfort with accepting it.
I kinda hinted to my ma that I was gay once. A few months ago, when I was giving one final desperate attempt to deny to myself that I was gay, I asked out this girl that I thought I liked (but obviously didn't), and I was telling ma about her and my ma said something I don't remember, and I was like 'hey, be glad it wasn't a guy." So my ma asked if I liked guys and I just shrugged it off like "don't say it like that" and I just walked away. So I dunno how she took that. She hasn't brought I up at all, but with all this talk about Obama trying to pass the gay marriage bill, I gotta say I'm surprised she hasn't brought it up. My ma isn't necessarily against homosexuality, but there's something she says that always makes me mad. When she's talking about her position on the matter, she'll always say "we don't have the right to judge people on who they wanna marry, but it says in the Bible that God says I present to you the option of Life and Death, choose Life." So when she says that, it just makes me think that she thinks gays ARE condemned to hell and it always just makes me so mad... Sometimes, I just wanna yell at her about it and just come out with it... I dont, and never have, cared about whether or not my mom or anybody in my family approved of me or anything I did, but it kinda sucks when your ma's basically is saying that choosing to be straight is choosing life and choosing to be gay is choosing death. Damn, I just wanna yell, IT'S NOT A CHOICE, MA!!! But now that I'm done rambling, that's as close as i've ever been to your situation.
I'm still working on getting people to acknowledge me as genderqueer, especially the people who hadn't heard of the concept before I came out. I've found that when I first come out to someone, they often need or want the whole lecture on what it means to be genderqueer. After that, however, it seems best to limit myself to quick reminders about gender-neutral pronouns and my new gender-neutral name. No one wants the lecture a second time. That's my situation, so my advice is to mention your sexuality very briefly when it comes up. If your mom says, "[...] the man you choose to marry [...]" then say "person" or "or woman" or the shortest, simplest thing you can think of that shows that you heard, you noticed, you disagree, and you're trying to correct her without making a big deal out of it. Most people need several such reminders before they catch on, but at least small reminders don't disturb the peace the way a lecture would.
No, you're not being overly sensitive. By your own account, she went out of her way to identify men as your only legitimate partners, switching from a gender-neutral term. It sounds like that comment was designed to hurt. But as others have said, she'll just have to work through her acceptance and apologize to you later. I am sorry that happened.
I don't think you were being overly sensitive. If that had happened to me, I would have been very upset and hurt. I would have felt like she wasn't really listening to my fears and hopes and everything in between. This is a huge detail and I would want my mom to acknowledge this part of me. (Which she does!) Sorry you were hurt like that! Good luck though!
