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Coming out to your gf who thinks you're a boy

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Tj0326, May 15, 2012.

  1. Tj0326

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    I'm 18 and have been with my girlfriend for a year. We're in a long distance relationship.
    The problem is is that she thinks i'm a straight bio male when i'm really an FTM. I've mentioned to her before in a random talk about loving each other unconditionally and brought up whether people were smaller in height, handicapped, or even trans as a few random examples of unconditional, seeing beyond the eyes desires, and she said she would love me no matter what size, problems, or whether I had a vagina or penis. She's a straight female. Although she said reassuring things, I'm just terrified of losing her and our planned future and scared at how she would react especially because she's 16 and could find any guy she wants. I don't know how to tell her but I want to and I need to. Please help
     
  2. NemesisPrime

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    I don't know if I can help but all I recall some age old wisdom that if she truly loves you then she'll accept you for who you are and it won't matter if your a guy, girl, or both!

    The only thing I can say is to bring up gently, lead up to it you know?
     
  3. Silenced

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    Hey man,

    You've put these things into conversation before; that means at the very least she's considered them and believes they wouldn't be a barrier between you. It's always difficult, as a transguy, to navigate relationships. For me, it's like my mind feels there's nothing to confess, until I'm reminded otherwise. It can be difficult and although I think honesty with who you're with is important, I can understand how it's got to this point.

    Going to say this plainly, I think you need to tell her. You do risk losing her - we always do, unfortunately - but she sounds like a pretty understanding and devoted girl, and she has the right to know. When you're with someone, that's how it goes.

    It's not going to be easy, but you stand to gain so much if she's cool with it, and if you do lose her over this, the hard truth is you would have in the long run, however she found out. It's a painful situation, but this is the only way you have a shot of keeping her over it, I think.

    As for how, starting with the 'You know how we've talked about how one of us might not be all they seem, before?' isn't a bad idea. It reminds both you and her that you've agreed that you're still there for the other, no matter what. Call her, write her, video-chat, whatever. Which ever seems easiest, but I'd recommend a format where she can instantly respond. She will have questions, no matter her feelings over it.

    Just my two cents though. Best of luck, man.
     
    #3 Silenced, May 16, 2012
    Last edited: May 16, 2012
  4. Ianthe

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    Yes, you have to tell her. If it's not going to work out, it's better that you find out now.

    Since she's 16, though, make sure you tell her in a way that's private--otherwise, you might have to deal with her parent's reaction, rather than just hers. (Of course, she might not be comfortable having secrets from them anyway.)

    But the biggest concern is to be clear that you've just been scared about it and didn't know how to tell her. Because, she might feel betrayed that you didn't share something so important in your life, even though you've been together for a year. So, just be very honest about how hard it is for you to come out to people, and how it is especially hard because of how important she is to you.