Yo, so I've been gaining a lot of insight into myself over the past few weeks and am discovering who I am bit by bit. Very slowly, and am trying to make sense of it all. As recently as the past week I have decided I can no longer fight my sexuality, it's torn me apart for too long and the answers I seek will only be revealed if I relieve myself of the guilt and shame that surround my sexuality. I'm of the belief that people are born gay or straight or bi. But it's been a struggle for me to figure out where I fit in, I've been attracted to both sexes in different ways since I was a child, I repressed the "gay" part of me, for no real reason that I can think of. I drank and used drugs partly because of this, when I drank I felt completely straight for some odd reason. But using mushrooms an weed my fear of my sexual identity was unleashed. I played "sexually" when I was a kid with my male friends mostly and females when I had the chance. The male sexual play ended when I was discovered by a classmate (I was around 7-8) and ridiculed. As my sexuality developed I began to have uncomfortable feelings, I remember specifically having a crush on a girl but also a sexual identity crisis because whenever I interacted with a man they appeared in my head naked, it wasn't a want for that in fact it was quite an intrusive thought, but I felt I should mention it. So at 11 years old I grappled with my sexuality eventually coming to the conclusion that I was "straight". I shared this experience with my friends and was ridiculed about it, then I kept it to myself. The issue didn't pop up again until I was 16 and had been smoking weed quite a bit, I then proceeded to feel extremely uncomfortable around other men and being in close quarters with them. I didn't date anyone throughout highschool, had various depressive episodes mainly because of this. I should mention that as I hit puberty and started masturbating, my first love was lesbian porn, it turned me on the most, then I got into blow job porn. Now at some point I realized when watching blow job porn I pictured myself as the woman (my attention was focused on the woman, but at the same time I felt like her) so I stopped watching it for a good two years. After high school I had a summer of infatuation with two girls, one of them I had my first sexual experience with, eating her out for 20 minutes, I thought I was in love with her, but I wasn't. Then I went to a trade school and got into drinking more heavily, I had sex for the first time at 18 and came in about 10 seconds, I continued to sleep with that girl and improved my performance gradually, but not by much. I didnt like her emotionally though, and after I came wanted nothing to do with her. I proceeded to sleep with 6 more women, until I became infatuated with another girl, only now when I had sex with her I couldn't come! My insecurity about my sexuality again was brought to the forefront of my mind. She didnt work out, I went into deeper alcoholism and then met another girl who I actually fell in love with, although the insecurity still burned inside of me. I didn't want to hurt her, and had an intense fear that I'd end up gay and lose her so I did what any rational acoholic would, I tried the gay thing out for real. First let me say I had started watching blowjob porn again, and had started having these urges to suck a guy off. So I did, I got his thing in my mouth and gave it the old college try, but it was nothing like I'd imagined, and didn't turn me on a bit. So I felt it was all settled after that, I didn't keep it a secret either. I eventually quit drinking and broke up with the girl, I needed to find myself, and my sexual insecurity had again started to plague my thoughts. Partly because I could almost never come during intercourse anymore. I watched a lot of porn though both blowjob and lesbian. There was one sexual experience where I felt like my old self and that was when she was acting like a total slut, I got off pretty quick from that. The past few years since then, I've pines for her, but also tried to resolve this issue within myself, making progress, regressing, and everything in between. But I think it's time to relieve myself of the guilt and shame surrounding this issue and accept myself, I believe I am ready. I have proven to myself that I get off on all manner of porn, more so blow job porn now, as well as incest (dont judge me) and erotica only when written from the girls perspective (lesbian and straight). I sleep with a girl about 1-2 times a week casually, it's at points extremely hot, and at other points dull. I still have urges to give a blow job, and think I will try it out again just to get rid of the feeling (it just makes me uncomfortable). And i still am a bit uncomfortable being physically close with men. I have always had a best friend usually all my close platonic friends are male. I get uncomfortable in many close quarter situations such as movie theaters and have the urge to fondle or kiss whoever is next to me male or female (this gives me anxiety) and when watching kissing scenes in movies I feel like the chick sometimes which makes me uncomfortable. I know this is long but it is essentially everything regarding this issue that I've ever dealt with, all the evidence for me being gay is in here I would very much appreciate your thoughts. Im a very "straight" acting person by nature, I know that has no bearing but I felt I should mention it. I'm through dealing with this issue and am ready to move on with my life however that may be. This morning when I "gave up" the fight and accepted "hell I'm gay, fuck it" I ran into this chick and was overwhelmingly attracted to her, and I haven't felt that way in weeks, the only way out is through and I will not be ashamed of who I am anymore. Thank you for reading and looking forward to your replies.
Well you sound just as confused as I was. Although I never dated a girl or had sex with a girl, it was still confusing. There were a few girls in school that gave me a hard-on just thinking about them, but I never took that further. This all made finding myself and my sexuality as frustratingly slow as can be. I had my first sexual encounter with the guy I ended up marrying. At school there were the one guy we sort of experimented together, but we kept that a close guarded secret back then. The thing I am trying to say is, yes, there will be that doubt, but as you say, you've just accepted that your gay. GREAT! now you can really start your life the way you want it to be. Being intimate with another guy, well I'd suggest a good friend who might experience the same or think that he's bi will definitely be helpful. I know this is not much of advice or help or anything of the sorts, I just wanted to say that confusion is part of life, we just have to work a way around it or through it!
Hi there and welcome to EC. I can sympathize for sure with how you're feeling. My experience wasn't exactly the same of course, but it had elements of your story in it. Have you used gay porn? If so, what did you think of that? Only you will be able to figure this out, ultimately. One scenario is that you're gay, but that you've been conditioned by society (as we all have) to think that we should be straight, and to assume that we're straight. It takes time to overcome that. Once you have, you'll be more comfortable with the thought of actually having a relationship with a man. It won't be just the sexual urges, but in fact you'll want to connect emotionally with a man. Alternatively, you're not gay but bisexual. Either way, you'll need to just get comfortable with yourself. With respect to the sexual performance issues, that's very likely a result of the stress you find yourself in with all this questioning. The less you think about it, the less of an issue that will be. So just hang out here and keep posting about what you're thinking and feeling. You'll find that we're an awesome bunch. And if we're gay and awesome at the same time, you can be gay and awesome too.
Thylvin- I actually haven't accepted that I am gay, I've gone through stages of accepting my sexuality for what it is but I definitely haven't discovered what it is exactly. I know I have attractions towards women, but only now am I accepting my attractions towards men, and attempting to release myself of the guilt associated with it. I've gone through periods of "oh I must be gay" but as soon as I do that I also acknowledge how attracted I am to the opposite sex. Jim- I'm trying to figure out myself what except is societal "conditioning" and what is isnt. Ive watched gay porn, I can get off to it, I don't prefer it though. As far as "romantic" relationships with a man, I simply have no desire to, not that it's repulsive or disgusting, I just don't know what the point of that would be for me personally, like I said I have male best friends already. My issue with the sexual urges still bothers me though, I can't seem to become comfortable with them regardless of me being in an accepting state or not, they're extremely intrusive honestly, like have you ever felt the urge to do something that's not pleasant? Like stick your hand on the stove or something? Its like that. I don't know, this seems to be a never ending circle I'm going through. Let me also state I think gays are awesome regardless!
I got confused when I read this... you say you are gay but you are sexually attracted to women and have sex with them regularly. Does this not make you bisexual?
