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Afraid and Angry. In a bad place.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by NotYetOut, May 16, 2012.

  1. NotYetOut

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    I have to yell this out to someone, since I have no one at home Im sorry that I have to Subject all of you to it.

    I thought that I was starting to understand this, myself I mean. I thought that I was okay with who I am and who I want to be. But thats not true. Im more Confused than ever. I know its terrible but when I think about being Gay, all I can think about is that I dont find guys attractive as they get older. I wouldent want to be with someone when they get older. Im attracted to Guys now, this age. I see that women are still good looking as they age, but I have absolutly no sexual desires when it comes to women. Im so angry, this has gotten to the point where I have shut myself away in my room. I go to Work, come home and go to my room. stay there all night then do it again the next day. I dont want to talk to anyone or see anyone and I feel like Smashing something or crying all the time. My mother came to me the other day and asked if I was alright. I smiled and said of course. she said that I seemed diffrent lately and she is worried about me. I tol her that I was fine. Its killing me, Im not fine and there is no way Im telling my mother any of this because I havent even figured it out for myself yet.

    I dont know what to do. I feel so lost, abandoned even. I hate this and wish that It had never been me. I dont want to be Gay. I want to be accepted by my family and friends. Im sorry but its with tears that this is written I hate being born Gay. There are days I wish that all that crazy bullshit about it being a choice was true, so I could just flip a switch and feel the same way towards women. But its not. I dont have the motivation to do anything, and there is no Gay friendly places for me to go to even begin to understand more about myself. I was for the first time in my life considering going to see what the GSA at my college was like, but its summer and there is no school now.

    Sorry for the rant but I have to yell out for someone to hear, to know, for myself, that I have told someone all this.
     
  2. Lad123

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    Hey, have a (*hug*) from me.

    You know its ok to not be attracted to older guys, after all you are 19. This may or may not be true but as you get older, your tastes will change and you will begin to look for guys similar to your age. Think back to when you started puberty, you may have been attracted to boys similar in age right? but now at 19 are you attracted to the same boys as you did then? My guess is not ^^ so who knows, further down the line when you are 30 for example, you will want to look for guys who are around 30 too.

    Your rant about hating being gay, well I can relate to that a lot, heck I think most members on EC can relate to this also. Previously when I was growing up I knew I was gay from a young age but I always hated it because I felt so different. I just could not accept it and the whole charade of 'being straight' to fit in and the fears of being outed were horrible. Last year though I thought to myself well I'm clearly not going to change so I may aswell embrace it and accept who I am rather than self-loath the rest of my life being depressed everyday.

    I told my sister last year in October and she was so accepting, I could not have been happier :slight_smile: It was terrifying I must admit and probably the hardest thing I ever have had to do but I felt so much better just telling someone I was gay. I know not everyone can be brave but just try not to self-loath because it leads to depression and really beats down on your energy levels.

    Hang in there! :kiss:
     
  3. julia

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    I know exactly how you feel, to feel so alone and confused, that's terribly normal for someone so far in the closet.

    Let me start this off saying there's absolutely nothing wrong with being gay or having feelings of attraction towards guys. I know it seems harder to be gay, and in most aspects it is but it gets easier.

    Could you maybe talk to a counselor or a therapist to get this off of your chest? My therapist was the first person I told and that helped me come out to my family. Do you have any siblings that you're close to tat you could tell, or a best friend you can trust? After telling just one person it gets easier.

    It's really fantastic that you've come to some terms with being gay and that you're telling us here. That takes a bit of courage.

    Good luck and I wish you the best :slight_smile: (*hug*)
     
  4. Jim1454

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    I heard you. (*hug*)

    It's OK to be upset and angry. You're entitled. These are your emotions and they are legitimate because they're yours. You don't need to apologize for them.

    The thing is though that they're not necessarily doing you any good. Being angry about it isn't going to change the fact that you're gay. It just makes you an angry gay person.

    Just give yourself time and this will all seem better. Talking to others about it also makes it better - whether that's us or someone in person (like at the GSA). Instead of the GSA, are there PFLAG groups near by? Have you looked into that?

    With respect to the aging thing... try not to worry about that now. Don't worry about things that haven't even happened yet. You'll likely meet someone who is your age and you'll think he's hot. And as you both get older, you'll continue to think that he's hot. As a 41 year old with a 43 year old husband, I think he's hot. (Sure - he isn't an underwear model, but quite frankly even most 19 year olds aren't as hoth as underwear models.) So your perspective changes with time.

    If you're not out to your mom or your family, why not? What do you think their reaction would be?

    Not to say that you should come out now. You need to do that when you feel good about it. That's generally when you'll feel ready to do so.

    Just keep talking about this stuff here. It really does help.
     
  5. NemesisPrime

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    I can understand how you feel but ranting and tearing things up won't help or magically change your preference.

    I haven't found a guy for me to date yet as there haven't been any who have caught my eye but I'm still gay it just means I haven't found one.

    I guess I'm having an easier time to accept who I am but for now a big bear hug will have to do little guy!

    You'll find someone eventually, maybe not now but you will!
     
  6. NotYetOut

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    This made me laugh, Ijust got called an angry Gay Person haha. Thanks Everyone. Its simple what your saying and it makes sense comming from the lost of you. Sitting here with no one to talk to these simple rationalizations are hard to realize on my own.

    As for my family. My brothers definatly hate Gays, as does my father. My mum mighnt be accepting but I dont know. My sister would laugh at me and probably tell everyone we know, so thats off the table too.

    I guess only time will tell. I cant keep myself couped up much longer I will have to find someone to tell.

    Thanks Everyone, you have brought a smile to my face today.
     
  7. thylvin

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    Ok as my evidence against it... here is a list of older men which i kind of finding attractive in one way or another. This is only to disprove your point.

    George Clooney -> this guy is how old, like 60 or something, yet he's still hot as ever!

    Brad Pitt -> OK he's not that old, 40ish something, but still bloody hot!

    Sean Connery -> If you want to talk about dinosaur old, this guy is it. He aged very gracefully and his voice... ohhh that just send shivers down my spine when he speak. I could never really concentrate in the movies he played!

    there is a rather large list, so I can not add them all on here. just 3 for now. But being with a guy now is fine, if you love one another, then age and looks starts to play less and less and important role in your life. I know i still dread the day when kids will call me old, but that is part of life, even you'll grow old, gray hair, wrinkled skin, warts and all.
     
  8. Ianthe

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    Actually, our culture tends to be harder on women as they age than it is on men. Do you really think that men are less objectively attractive as they get older, or are you just less attracted to them? It's normal to be attracted to your peer group, rather than outside it.

    It's also normal to experience anger as part of the grieving process while you are accepting your sexuality. Don't worry, you won't feel like that forever.