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Looks vs. personality

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BudderMC, May 17, 2012.

  1. BudderMC

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    I dunno, this thought's been sticking with me the last couple of days. Just needed to write it out somewhere. :/

    I know in every sense of the word that relationships (romantic or otherwise) can't last without personalities that "click". But then, me still being somewhat "closeted" (or reserved, or whatever you want to call it) will see guys and think of strictly how attractive they are. And then I'll end up feeling shallow after a while because I'm judging people (well, strangers) effectively like "pieces of meat". I don't know if that's supposed to tie into the whole "gays are just sexual deviants" bullshit; the fact that I'm not immediately concerned with his personality or whatever. Irrational thoughts just link to one-another, y'know?

    On the other hand, it isn't exactly like you walk down the street and think "Oh damn, that guy has such a SEXY personality...". And I figure everyone judges people on appearance, so it's not just me. I realize this whole thought process is silly, but I can't shake the feeling. "Shallow" is one of those adjectives I swore I'd never be... <_<
     
  2. Owen

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    It's hardly shallow to judge someone on looks if you haven't gotten to know them personally yet; how exactly are you supposed to judge them by anything else? "Shallow" is continuing to judge someone by superficial standards even after you've gotten to know them personally and have better things to judge them by. And if that isn't going to happen (or, at the very least, if it hasn't happened yet), what do you accomplish by denying yourself the pleasure of enjoying the way a guy looks? Either course of action will have the same effects on him (i.e. none).
     
  3. Jim1454

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    I don't think this plays into the "gays are sexual deviants" stereotype. It's widely accepted that straight guys will check out hot women, and I'm pretty sure straight women are checking out hot guys (even if they're not quite as obvious about it). So don't worry about it.
     
  4. socalguitarguy

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    I agree. Personality compatibility is crucial in a relationship, but physical attraction is also important. I'm not sure but I'd say the former could help enhance the latter. If you really click with someone you might view them as more attractive than if you just saw them walking down the street. Would anyone agree with that?
     
  5. Vesper

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    I agree.

    Initially, all that attracts us to people are their looks, since we can only make assumptions about their personalities when we haven't gotten to know them. Once we get to know someone, that person may either become more or less attractive to us than s/he was initially.

    So, no, BudderMC, what you're doing is not shallow, because if it is shallow, then pretty much everyone is or has been shallow at some point.
     
  6. Lewis

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    Not going to lie, both. But I think when you like someones personality enough, they become more attractive too? Idk that's just how I feel. The person I like right now, I didn't find that attractive initially, but over time and because I like their personality, they've become way more attractive.
     
  7. King

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    You aren't shallow. There has to be physical attraction in a relationship.
     
  8. Ianthe

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    Unconsciously, you know more than you think you do about someone's personality when you first see them. Psychologists see it all the time in people who keep dating the same kinds of people over and over, and being in the same kinds of abusive relationships--they'll be drawn to that kind of person immediately, when it seems like they couldn't possibly know that about the person. They'll even suggest that the person should stay away from people that they feel a strong, immediate attraction to, because it is a warning sign that the relationship will be messed up in the same way.

    So, on some level, you know a lot more than you think you do. It can't possibly be that only people who are messed up have that unconscious knowledge about the person.

    But don't worry about being interested in appearances. It would only be shallow if you had relationships with people, and didn't care about anything OTHER than appearances. Noticing that strangers are physically attractive when you still don't know them is completely normal.
     
  9. Lad123

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    I'm guilty of judging people on their looks at first, although I think everyone is like that too ^^ however when I get to know people, their personalities shine through over their looks. When I was at university there was a guy flatmate who was average looking and I wasn't attracted to him at all, but then when I got to know him, his personality was so lovely that he suddenly became so hawt I was blown away immediately :lol: I still have a huge crush on him... u_u
     
  10. Farouche

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    I admit to looking at strangers of any gender and unconsciously rating them according to cuteness. My impressions do change once I get to know them, though, and I've had it go both ways. A really cute person stopped looking cute when I found I didn't like them, and someone who was way below average at first glance looked absolutely beautiful after some friendly conversations.
     
  11. Jon56

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    I don't know who else here absolutely loves Dr. Who, but here is a quote that just about sums up this entire conversation

    "You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "Not bad. They're okay." And then you get to know them and... and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful."
     
  12. OMG, I love you for posting this quote.

    But seriously, this is a thing that happens.

    _________________________
    The other thing I think of is this: Aside from things we can't change about ourselves, we pretty much make ourselves up to be what we want people to see when they look at us. We all dress like this, wear those shoes, hold ourselves like that, cut our hair in this way because that's what we want people to see when they see us, at least moreso than any other style we could have gone with. So, you're seeing the outer shell that that person has on specifically because they want people to see it that way. I guess that means, at first glance, judging someone on that appearance...well, that's what they're expecting. After that, when you meet the person, you'll have more to go on than a constructed visual that they're giving you.
     
  13. Jon56

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    <3
    It really is an awesome quote and very true
     
  14. BudderMC

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    Heh, thanks guys. In particular for the distinction between first impressions and judging people strictly on looks. So long as I'm not the only one doing it, then that's all that matters.

    Oh, and to clarify, I didn't mean this geared strictly towards gays or anything... I fully understand everyone does it. In the OP I think I just went off on a tangent (once I start writing, I just keep going on about whatever seems related to what I just wrote...).

    And I definitely get the bit about personalities adding to attraction. Seen that before. :icon_wink

    Probably doesn't help that I seem to have been looking at a lot of celebrities the last couple days, does it? These thoughts are the things that run through my brain now that I actually let myself look at guys (relatively) openly... :rolle: