Hi guys, just joined so not sure about posting, probs a few threads like this, but I just wanted advice that could directly help with my situation, if you know what I mean. So, basically, I'm 16 and living in England (near London). I am pretty sure I am gay, but I do have some (minor) attraction to women as well. Anyway, I just wanted to hear what you guys would advise about coming out. My mum is fairly liberal (at the moment she is downstairs watching 'The ladyboys of Bangkok, so no worries in terms of acceptance from her haha). my dad is fairly old-fashionedd, and I dont think I have evev every heard him menttion the word 'gay', but that could I suppose be a good thing. My sister (19) seems quite liberal, but I get the impression that she's one of those people who is fully supportive of gay people, unless they are in her family, if you know what I mean. I was just wondering what advice, if any, you could give to me? Is it too early to come out? I just dont know what to do really
Well congrats on taking the first steps towards accepting yourself! And welcome to EC! My advice is to wait until you're absolutely sure that you're gay before coming out. There's nothing worse than having to back track and retract telling them if you become more unsure. If you feel comfortable, you could try telling them you're questioning. Have you ever thought you could be bisexual? Are you sexually attracted to both men and women? Do you fantasize about one gender more than another? You don't have to answer these here, but some questions to ask yourself to help determine if you are in fact gay. There is nothing wrong with taking your time in figuring this out. There's no hurry, you'll have the rest of your life to be gay and happy
If you feel ready to come out then do it but if you are still a bit unsure whether your gay, then maybe wait until you do know. I think your sister is a good starting point because you said she seems to support gays so how would that be any different for a gay in her family? By the way, loving the 'Commander Shephard of Closet Gays'! :lol:
Is the point that your sister is fine with gay people as long as she doesn't have to deal with them at family reunions? If so, your sister might not be the best place to start. In addition to being sure about telling your family, I would suggest doing it piecemeal, starting with people you know will be more supportive. Personally, I started with an online friend (who I knew would be fine), then a best friend from high school (who I knew would be ok, but also wasn't exactly omnipresent in my life at that point), and then my family (mom, then sister, then dad). Set yourself up for success and positive reinforcement in the first few people you tell - it makes the successive conversations a lot easier by building your confidence and giving you a support network of people you can talk to.
I don't agree about "waiting until you are completely sure." Sexuality can be a fairly ambiguous thing. No one can ever really know for certain that they will NEVER be interested in someone different than they expect. And, if you come out as gay, and later find that you fall in love with a woman, you can explain that it was a surprise to you, as it seems like it would be. If you come out as bi and then later as gay, you have to explain that you THOUGHT you were attracted to some people that you actually weren't, or something. But if you come out as gay, then you can just be like, "well, I WASN'T attracted to a woman ever before, but then I met Regina!" That at least makes logical sense, unlike telling people you are bi when there isn't any particularly strong evidence to support it.
I would just take some time to meditate on whether or not you're really gay. There's no need to rush discovering yourself or the coming out process. I feel like by the time you come out, you should be pretty dead sure about yourself. A lot of the time people are confused by their feelings, and they don't learn anything by applying labels or feeling like they are under pressure. Only time, patience and self-love can give you self-acceptance, and only that can give you true knowledge about your orientation. Your family sounds mostly safe. I would just advise some waiting, reflecting, and when you feel safe and the time is right, come out to your family. Even your sister.
I'm like you I'm confused about my sexuality as well but I told my parents and my older brother that I might be when I told my brother I asked him how it would make him feel if I was a lesbian he of course figured where I was going with the question and asked me if I was I told him i might be and he said that it didn't matter to him it actually relieved him because being the protective brother he is he was worried about me being with a man (no offense)so I think you should sit down with them and tell them you might be gay who knows they might support you 100%:icon_bigg
I think I agree somewhat with Ianthe. I started to come out to people close to me as questioning/confused, including my mom, cousins and a few close friends. Having them to talk to and "compare notes" with, so to speak, helped me to better understand and accept myself. Maybe my advice would be to wait until you're "mostly" sure of your sexuality. I'm still not what you'd call absolutely sure, but I don't regret telling people in the slightest. At this stage I would avoid telling anyone who you're not sure is going to be accepting, though. Having a circle of more liberal close friends and family who know can provide support later on if/when it comes time to bring the less open-minded ones into the fold.