Long story so here goes..... I am a single (divorced 6 years), am not out of the closet...I guess im bisexual but swing more to the gay side... I have this "straight" friend who i have known for quite a while but we never really were close friends, more like an acquantence. We had something in common so we were always in the same place once a week, same time. So last summer he would start staying after and talk to me in the parking lot and we would talk about random stuff, girls, sex, hobbies, nothing special.....and then in September I called him up and asked if he wanted to attend a baseball game with me and some friends and he said yes.....so we went and had a great time, buds hanging out whatever. A little background on my friend...he was married, with kids, 10 yrs plus....very straight normal father/husband but very outgoing, a cool guy that women adored....back to the story... After that baseball game our friendship turned into talking everyday after work, texting constantly, just talking about everything from his family, to relationships, sex, anything you name it we talked about it...then one day he stated he couldnt take being married anymore and said he had been thinking about moving out and getting a divorce/seperation and ended up moving out from his wife and moved in with another family member to get some space and sort of "do him" since he had never had the chance before.....So the phone calls, hanging out at my house, out to dinner, texting all rapidly increased, he would start staying the night at my house, we would watch sports, tv, etc...i would make him a bed on the couch and i would go to bed in my room and it was normal friendship...Eventually some of our conversations/texts would get flirty and go to the sexual side....and this went on for a couple weeks/months....one night he had fallin asleep on the couch and i had as well on the love seat and he woke up and said my name and said something sexual and then proceeded to pull his shorts down and show me how horny he was and of course without thinking i took care of it for him..........this put our friendship at a different level, but still an unspoken level....i asked him if he wanted to just stay at my house for a while until he finds a place for himself, so now he has his own closet in my room and sleeps in my bed every night.......this is where the confusion and frustration comes in... so for the past 6 months we have lived together, slept in the same bed, have intimate moments, lived like we were roomates/couple like normal....(THIS IS A TOTAL SECRET to the outside world, no one knows, everyone thinks he just rooms with me for the time being and sleeps on the couch.) So YES i went and did it, I caught feelings..so get this, he still talks to women, has sex with women, and is currently talking to one now that he seems to really like, and i dont care too much for it....i find myself getting a little jealous and moody, and I hate feelling this way..so i told him that i liked him more than i should and that i had feelings, and he said i quote "feelings mutual, aside from everything that has gone on, You are my BEST Friend and i dont have best friends, ive never been this close to a man before but i like where i am and im not leaving anytime soon"...and went on to explain how he is just friends with this girl and not looking to settle down with anyone but just be a free spirit and do whatever....He lives with me, and sleeps with me but he now talks to this girl on the phone, on the computer, hangs out at her house but still comes home to me and gets in my bed like nothing, our texting has cooled, maybe cause we live in the same house i dont know....I DONT UNDERSTAND!! this is the first time for me in this situation as well please helpe me answer these questions... 1. Is he just experimenting with me? 2. Does he like me, have any emotions for me? 3. Is this just a passing thing with him with me? 4. Is he in denial? I love this man (ive told him, but he wont say anything back), i would do anything for him, he knows this...Im comfortable with myself and this situation, I take care of him and he seems to like it...im having fun, but want some acknowledement (stuck in a gray area)....i dont mind being in an open relationship with him (which we have discussed...but he dosent like to talk about this new girl with me and i feel like he is hiding it from me or something, like he doesnt want me to be hurt? or get mad and throw him out? who knows? Ive tried to really say all my feelings, but i get nervous and toungue tied and fear that i might run him off with un-needed drama? I would love to know if anyone has been in this situation before and what in the world do you proceed? i cant keep living this way, its like a roller coaster one minnute your up and the next minute your down...... What do i do?
Well there are a couple things that are possible in this case. 1. You can sit him down, explain how you feel, and how you're confused but same time you really don't want your friendship with him to be damaged because of this. 2. You can continue on letting this go on, stay confused, and potentially become hurt should something develop with this girl or another. or 3. You cut ties, though personally I'd stay away from this one lol. I'm thinking there are other good pieces of advice others will have but I wish you luck with this. I wish I could give my own personal experience but the closest I had was having sex with a good friend of mine who actually had and still has a girlfriend and a kid (didn't know until after the fact -_-), and haven't heard from him since. So I'm not sure if my advice is the best but like I said, I wish you luck and hopefully some others will have some good advice to help you.
this is going to be hard on you, I know how you feel about the guy. But is it possible he is using you?
Well obviously he is experimenting with you, but it is hard to say if he does have feelings. If he does have feelings he likely isn't saying that he does because he is in denial and still trying to find who he is. Perhaps that is why he separated from his wife? I'd say be careful on how attached you get to him in case it is just a phase. It wouldn't hurt to try and have another talk with him, let him know how you feel. Best of luck!
I dont know if heis using me or not, I have thought about that as well....just wasnt willing to give it merit....Would that be a possibilty? He always says how much he appreciates me friendship and we can talk aboue anything, I mean he could sleep on the couch....he dosent....it just sucks! lol
Hi there, and welcome to EC! Oh man! This is quite a story. Bottom line, you're not happy and you deserve better. This guy is having his cake and eating it too, and he's going to keep doing that until you put an end to it. This relationship isn't working for you any more, which is why you've written about it here. And I can understand that. I wouldn't be happy about it either. The fact of the matter is that you could have this kind of awesome relationship with someone in a committed, monogamous, and open / honest relationship where the two of you didn't need to hide. It sounds like you're ready to move on to something more serious and he isn't. And that's OK - we all move at a different pace when we're coming out. So it sounds like you need to set some boundaries with this guy. He needs to drop the girl and be willing to talk openly about where your relationship is going or he needs to move out so that you can move on with your life and find someone who IS willing to give you what you need in a relationship. That would be my take on this anyway.
^ agreed with Jim. It does sound like he is using you, either that or he only wants a friendship whereas you want something more. You need to have a talk and explain what you want from this weird arrangement rather than letting him get away with it. He even said you are his "best friend" so not even a lover...
It seems to me like he is still very much struggling with self-acceptance about his sexual orientation. He might feel like he needs to have a girl around to keep up appearances--or even because he's still kind of in denial. It definitely doesn't sound like he's going to be ready to come out any time in the near future. (I actually feel really sorry for the girl, since she presumably has no idea what's going on.) To respond to your questions in order I think that: 1. Experiments do not last this long. 2. He does have feelings for you, or he would have moved out by now. 3. What do you mean a passing thing? He's definitely not straight if that's what you mean. You may be the only guy he's ever had feelings this strong for, but I don't think you are the only guy he's ever been attracted to. And remember, while you were both flirting for a while, he's the one that made an overt sexual move by pulling his shorts down. 4. Yes, he is in denial and unready to accept the seriousness of his feelings for you. I don't think he's using you, really. I think he's using her, as a beard and as a way to reaffirm his sense of his own manhood. However he may feel about her, remember that you know about her, and she doesn't know about you. If you have difficulty expressing your feelings, you could write them in a letter, and then either give it to him or read it aloud. Sometimes that helps. If you give it to him, it also gives him the chance to think about how he wants to respond, instead of putting him on the spot so much. I agree with Jim that you need to establish boundaries, but I'm not as determined as he is about what they should be. You can decide what you need from him, and what's okay with you and what isn't. So, what do you need, in order to feel secure? It also seems to me like you are still mostly closeted, as well. If you aren't ready to be in an out relationship, the kind of thing Jim is talking about will be a lot harder for you to find, at least with a man. Also: especially since he is having sex with other people, I really hope you are employing safer sex practices. Your info says you are out to a few people--who's that, aside from him?
1. It's definitely more than just experimenting. Experimenting is screwing a few times (at most) and then moving on and returning to a 'normal' friendship with you. 2/3. I suspect that he has deeper emotions for you, and that he is probably more so using the girl. Whether that is just for the purpose of maintaining his 'masculinity', wanting to enjoy life as a single straight/bisexual male (i.e. no commitment, promiscuity etc.), or just wanting to distract his feelings for you. Given the situation, I'd try and talk to him and get him to make sense of his emotions. However, at this point, I wouldn't force him out. Right now, he's probably trying to make sense of his own sexuality. When he finally does, it is possible that you will end up in a relationship with him. Trying to force him to be your boyfriend or leave isn't the best thing right now. I highly doubt this is a passing thing. Your texting will definitely have cooled down given you're in the same house. 4. I'm very much inclined to say yes. That is why while you are ready for a fully-blown relationship, he is far from ready for anything. He is describing you as a 'best friend' even though he doesn't have 'best friends'... to me, this rings alarm bells that he likes you, but he's in denial about it.
I agree with most posts here, listen to Jimbo great advice! Well, I know that feeling when texts go from constant all day everyday down to "k" and "wtvr" and that the person is obviously online but lies about talking to others not you. Does not sound like it is that way with you two, so that is good. Cooling off, slowing down, can become a good healthy thing...the fire and excitement is supposed to mellow in time and become stable and deeply caring. Sounds like he is trying to see if girls are his thing still too. You are scared of blowing it, huh? If you sit down and discuss it out that it will make what good you got go away? Maybe, maybe it won't get better until you do...and it seems it can get worse. Some people also, believe it or not, are jerks. If he is using you, not paying rent or bills, write out a contract have him sign. If he is serious about you and living with you, that should show commitment right there. If he is really hurting you by "cheating on you" just fess up...say it. Some guys don't know how another person feels, that they are hurt by something they did, until told. I don't. :/ Or....you could start staying out late with some girl and "forget" to respond to his texts...hahaha! Interesting, I just wonder if he somehow thinks you would not do that to him...
I think Ianthe had some great advice. Also, I would like to add that if he said the feeling is mutual, then you know where he stands. He has feelings for you. He is probably just insecure about himself right now, which is why he feels the need to have a girl around. I do think that if you want to move forward in the relationship, you need to tell him so. If he is willing to, then request that he not see anyone else, including women for sex/romantic relations. Tell him how it hurts you to see him do this. And again, you can do it via text, because in person might be difficult. Anyways, good luck. It does sound like you two are a good fit together.
Get out of the situation immediately. This is not something you want in the long run, or momentarily. The way I see it, he is just doing his "free spirit" thing with you. If you're fine with the idea of an open relationship, which this seems to be, but he won't acknowledge it, then don't be surprised when it all ends. You should take action now to end this type of relationship because in the end it will probably be unhappy. It is very possible that he is just using you. Gotta watch out for those assholes. Give him one chance to make everything clear, and if it doesn't work for you, then move on. I'm a strong proponent for severing ties when necessary.
