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This might be a problem..

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by piratealisonnn, May 18, 2012.

  1. piratealisonnn

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    Soo, I find that my relationships all tend to fail (go figure). Mainly I've only dated men.

    But where I find the biggest problem lies is in the oral sex. I can't do it. Male or female, I just can't.

    Do you think a relationship could be pursued without the need for oral? :icon_redf
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Yes I do, you just got to find the right person.
     
  3. aeva

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    I absolutely do. I dated exclusively men for several years before coming to terms with my sexuality, and flatly refused to do oral because of a traumatic childhood event. The guys I dated/slept with never really had a problem with it. I think if you find that the person you're with DOES have an issue with that, then they're not appreciating you and all that you do for them, and they therefore don't deserve to have you in their lives.
     
  4. super confused

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    ABSOLUTELY. I'm 100% with you on this, too. I just can't do it. And if someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with you because of that, that person is NOT worth your time.
     
  5. julia

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    Yes definitely! There are plenty of other things you can do besides oral. I personally love oral, receiving and giving but I wouldn't mind if my girl wasn't into it. And if someone doesn't want to be with you just because of that, then they're not worth it!
     
  6. Ianthe

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    I think that's going a little far, actually. The other person has a right to have their needs met, too. For some women, especially, oral can be the only way they reach orgasm, and it's not fair to say that they are unworthy partners just because they can't be satisfied without it.

    Of course, it's possible in circumstances like this that your needs and the other person's are simply incompatible--that isn't anyone's fault, and it's best to find it out early. But don't say that they are less worthy because there is something specific they need to be satisfied, that isn't fair.

    (In fact, when counseling straight couples I have heard sex therapists be very blunt with men who aren't willing to perform oral on their girlfriends--as in, "Don't you care about her needs? Why should she stay with you if you aren't willing to do what will satisfy her?" Because they know that for a good number of women, oral is the only thing that will satisfy.

    Also, if you don't have a reason or you can't explain why it's a problem for you, some partners will feel like if you refuse then it's evidence that you just don't care about their needs. And if they feel that way, that will definitely be a problem in the relationship.)

    It's not true for everyone though. You'll definitely be able to find partners that don't find it that important. And you should never feel like you have to do something you aren't comfortable with.

    Just recognize that, sometimes, the things that are dealbreakers for you will actually end up breaking the deal, if they are dealbreakers for the other person too. It's just the way it is. It doesn't mean that either of you has done anything wrong or that somebody has to take the blame. Sometimes things just don't work out.

    I think it's really unfair to say that someone should stay in a relationship with a partner who is unwilling to do what will satisfy them sexually. It doesn't mean that you have to do everything that your partner wants, but it does mean that you have to recognize that if you can't meet their needs, they might go elsewhere, and that doesn't make them bad people any more than you are a bad person for having your own needs and boundaries. Relationships have to work for both of the people in them.