Hi everyone, I'm an 18 year old male currently finishing up my senior year at high school. I live in a pretty small town but next year I'm moving to the city to start college. I'm actually very excited but at the same time a question keeps recurring in my mind. I am constantly questioning my sexuality. Am I straight, am I gay? I have been confused for the past two years ... I've only been in one relationship with a girl. We were both 14 and it lasted 3 years. There was no sex involved. I cared alot for her but meanwhile the interest wasn't there. I felt obligated to show signs of love. Eventually we ended it. However we are still good friends. Now, I'm single and I haven't been with anyone since mostly because of my shyness. I usually blame my lack of flirting with other girls on this but I can't help but think that it's probably because they dont arouse me. I mean when I look at a girl, I can say : "Wow, she's hot!" but there's nothing else. I dont feel aroused as I would if looked at some guys. I've watched both straight and gay porn and I get aroused with both. On the other, I think that straight porn excites me because I mostly concentrate on the male. So at school, I have a very good friend. I consider him like my best friend. I can tell him anything and we have so much in common. He's gay and came out to his family but not his friends except for me. When he talks about guys, I don't hesitate to say : I find ______ very hot. Futhermore, my other friends are all girls. I just dont see the point of spending time with the boys at my school when i dont have anything in common with them. Some of my "girl friends" have asked me if I was gay mostly because of my mannerisms. I always answer no. I'm nothing but myself with them and apparently they get a gay vibe from me. Trying to find an excuse, I tell them that my feminine side is stronger than my masculine side. By saying these things, I constantly bury the thoughts of being gay but they eventually keep coming back ... My parents, I am sure, are clueless. I'm the same person at home like I am at school but my mom just doesn't see it, I guess. There were a few times where I thought she knew but she quickly proves to me the opposite whenever she speaks of me getting married and having a wife later on. Regarding my childhood, I would play dolls, dress up ( as a girl ), my friends were always girls. Whenever my mom talks about the future that involves me and a wife, I'm even more confused because I tell myself : You're straight. This is just a phase. Anyways, thanks to anyone who reads this. I just hope I'm not the only one who is so confused. Advice is greatly appreciated.
Not sure if I can give advice but I've had very similar experiences... I have a legion of female friends, and I played with my action men, but also my sister's barbie dolls when I was a kid :icon_redf I used to watch straight porn in high school... but I eventually realised I was way more into the guys than the girls. For me it's been a gradual kinda thing, I'm way more interested in guys than girls, even though I still think I might end up with a girl if I found the right one. I think give it time, be realistic, if you have feelings try not to suppress them, and maybe in the end you are the best person to know who you are - don't let other people make that decision for you.
Based on your post, I'd say you are probably either gay, or bisexual with a strong preference for males. You know much more about yourself than I do, though, so don't take what I say as certain. Sexual orientation can change, especially during your teens. My first female crush was after I was 20, and after I had had a few crushes on different guys, and these days I prefer girls. What people perceive as a "gay vibe" does not actually mean you are gay. More likely, it has to do with how you express your gender identity. Gender and sexual orientation are not the same thing. I have a straight male friend who presents himself as slightly feminine. Years ago, people convinced him that he must be gay. He was really confused until he realized that he's not attracted to men, he is attracted to women, and he feels more like a lesbian in a male body than a gay male. You parents may realize that there's a possibility you're gay, but they might not feel ready to deal with that possibility. Some parents go on pretending -- or even believing -- their child is straight for a while after the child tells them otherwise. Even if they do think you're straight, that doesn't mean you are.
