Kinda sad quite often.

Its taken me alot to post my first time here, have been looking through the forums for some time but here we go.

I quite often when i am alone at home i feel quite sad, i can literally sit for hours just mindlessly surfing on the new and watching stupid youtube videos, its not like i cry or want to hurt myself or anything close to that, its just very rare i feel very happy.

My Parents was divorced when i was 7, im ok with that now, its taken some time to get used to, but its been working great for the past few years, and both of my parents have been married again, and i have gotten new brothers and sisters (im the oldest), and i like that, sometimes i can also just enjoy sitting there in my room playing a PC game or chatting around, and they just watch TV behind me, i like that because that makes me not feel quite alone.

I recently started at a new school (lets call it High School, i dont live in the US) and none of the old guys or girls from my previous school are on the same, i actually like that as i really was only real friends with one of them, the rest was just people i talked to during school and ocasionally on MSN, no real other contact.

Now the guys at my new class (no girls in my class ) are all very nice and very more mature than in the previous school, but i have this actually quite annoying problem of always like to discuss things, even small stuff that does not matter, and if i feel i am not right, i will try to back up my statement with things i really dont know about, and i know that this makes alot of them think im annoying because i try to be the smart guy etc. Also in school i get ok good middle or just above grades, but i KNOW i can do better if id just spend more time on my homework, but whenever i begin on it i literally just sit there, i know i can finish them, but i just dont bother. I have eversince we began getting grades being told that if i just spoke up in class and spend more time on my homework i could be the best in my class, but i dont know why i dont do it, i guess its a matter of motivation, that i cant find inside me.

Thank you to everyone that have read so far, but there is more to come.

Well so at this new school, i have 2 decent friends that have the same interest as me, which is mostly playing computer games, its fun when we do that together, but aswell most of the time i just sit mindlessly surfing, i just want the time to pass..

Also i have been very afraid in my old school to speak up but i feel that in the new school this have improved very much, i can actially go to the blackboard and stand there for 10 minutes doing some math without getting nervous and my voice sounding crazy. I suspect that its because i weigh too much, (yes im a little fat ) so i just cant stop thinking what other people think about me, i always get told im my family that im good looking, but i cant stop thinking they just say that because they want me to feel good, but whenever someone tells me that i feel quite happy.

The social life at the new school is very active at least that what i think, friday bar or whatever every week and parties every few months, now i actually would like to come, but even the intro-party (the first one) i didnt come to, lied to my parents so i didnt have to come.. i did want to be there and thought it all evening when i was home alone, but i just dont feel secure in a weird way if i would have gone there, and get drunk etc (which i have only been once).

As a last example of well material things, recently i bought a new computer because my old one was 3 years old, and when i came home and powered it on i just did not feel happy, i spend like 800£ on it, and i just didnt really care. Also i bought a new 22" screen for it, and i can literally sit for an hour thinking about if i should have bought a bit more expensive one because it could have been better, even though i cant find any flaws in the one that i have.

And then there is the sexuality question, it really havent taken much of my time as i have never really been interested in girls, sure some of them look pretty, but slepping with one? never. I dont even get turned on by straight porn, but if i see some gay-porn its an instant turn on, and i dont even look at the girls at my school, only boys, and its just hard because my dad often said some comments about my littlebrother because well hes only one year old, and hes just obsessive with some guys in the family, and dont want to sit at any women, now i mostly think it is for fun, but i cant stop thinking what he would say if i told him i was gay, my mother would just say ok that fine im sure, i even think they know i only visit gay porn sites on my comp because my step-dad is like a tech guru like myself and probably monitors the sites or IP's everyone visits...i really dont care about that, i look at what i want, if they have a problem with that, they can tell me.

I am really happy i finally could vent some of these thoughts and i really appreciate if any of you have read it all and would try to help what i can do, i realize that there was not infact many questions, it is more like a lot of stuff i just needed to tell someone, which i cant speak to my real friends about.

- Alex