Okay, first post, here goes. So, I came out to my parents and two close friends about a week ago. I told them all with complete confidence. There was no doubt in my mind about my sexuality. I've spent a good amount of time coming to terms with this. Now here's the weird part: I felt fine about it all until I started thinking about telling my wife. :eusa_doh: Suddenly I started panicking, and I pretty much haven't stopped since. The problem is, I'm filled with self-defeating thoughts now. It's like part of my brain has turned against me, telling me I shouldn't have done it, that it's just some kind of phase I'm going through. (Really? Since I was eight years old, brain? :rolle: ) Whatever this is, it's constantly undermining me, everything from telling me I'm not gay to saying I'll die alone because I have too much baggage, I'm in love with a standard of attractiveness no man will be able to reach, that I think I want to have sex with a guy, but won't want to once I do, etc. It's stupid stuff, and I know it's lies based out of guilt and fear, but I can't get it to stop, and it does have some occasional good points... I have no idea what I'm doing or where to go from here. I feel like I'm a virgin all over again. I've been in the closet for a long time. I was in denial about who I was, and I got so good at it that it got to the point where I believed I was straight, so it's been a lot to deal with. How do I get myself to stop thinking this way? I know it was the right thing to do, and it's been freeing in so many ways, but I can't enjoy it, because my brain wants to run shrieking back to the closet. :bang: Anyway, thanks for listening.
Welcome to EC! The wife situation will of course be difficult for you. You're probably feeling guilty having lied about your attractions to men to your wife this whole time, and it will come as a real shock to her. I think one of the reasons you want to go back into the closet is because you don't want to hurt her and shatter that close bond you two. The best thing to do is to tell her you are gay. The fact that you remain in the relationship but having interests elsewhere is not fair to your wife, so the longer you procrastinate, the more damaging it will be. Sure, it wont be easy but keeping those true feelings bottled up must be driving you crazy, so I think you know what needs to be done. What you wrote about thinking you will die alone, well not really, even if you do have baggage, there are plenty of gay dads around (assuming you have children?). Its never too late to come out. I'm sure there will be a guy waiting for you somewhere but how are you going to meet him if you're stuck in this fake relationship with your wife? I wish you good luck! (*hug*)
Yeah, you are afraid to tell your wife--really deeply afraid, so that your unconscious mind is trying to trick you into not doing it. (You aren't the first person that this has happened to, having doubts right when they seriously start considering a big coming out.) You are gay. It's not just a phase. You need to tell your wife, so that your life can move forward. Don't let your fear stop you from what you need to do, what the right thing is for both you and your wife.
I don't know if I would call iT a 'Fake' relationship that you have with his wife..imagine how heart broken she'd be if she ever heard it referred to as that. I'm sure he loves her, like I've been in relationships with guys and they were 'real,' but I always felt like something was missing. But yeah I dont know, maybe that is the definition of fake? Anyway, I wish the same to you as well, ttmab, as Lad123 did! (*hug*) Good luck with everything and we're hear if you need advice or the likes! :smilewave
As far as having an an 'unattainable attractiveness' as some sort of level of expectation for a man, yeah, you will lose that when you get over yourself, or you will be alone. Or perhaps you will hang onto it, and well I hope you got the looks to boot, because if not, the superficial fags will eat you alive. Whatever you do, put honesty and kindness out there, and you will get it back.
I get what you're saying, but the thing is I've never been a shallow or egotistical person, and I don't think that's changed. I think my brain is telling me that this is because I'm attracted to a certain type of guy, and there really aren't any where I live (a very conservative state). So my brain is convinced what I find attractive is impossible to find. That probably sounds stupid or at least doesn't make any sense, but that's what it seems to be saying. ---------- Post added 20th May 2012 at 02:14 PM ---------- Yeah, that's exactly it. It was real, it's always been real, a real emotional and even physical connection between us. I would never have married her if I'd had any conscious doubts of that. I think fake would be if I'd married her knowing I was gay. But yeah, something has always been missing. I just didn't realize why until later. Thanks for the support! I've been so nervous about asking for help with this. ---------- Post added 20th May 2012 at 02:17 PM ---------- Thanks for the help! Actually, we don't have any kids, thank goodness. That would be a whole other level of WTF to deal with.
Please explain your emotional and physical connection to your wife please. I'm just interested to see how you view this.
Absolutely. I've always felt a connection to her, but it's not what it's supposed to be. It's friendship love, and I mistook it for relationship love... I guess would be the best way to put it. Like, I looked on her with affection, but never with lust. The sex was only an emotional connection for me, never physical. The only way I could have sex with her was with lights off and/or with my eyes closed. She assumed that was just from the physical intensity, I think. I could never go down on her. My favorite positions were the ones where she was facing away from me. It made it easier to pretend she wasn't a woman that way. Really, the sex became an obligation. I never initiated sex, and it wasn't uncommon for us to go 2 or 3 weeks without being intimate. I know that was tough for her, because she's extremely sexual. I mean, it probably seems blindingly obvious to you guys, but I was in denial about the whole thing. I... don't even remember how I was able to justify to myself for so long that this was an acceptable way to maintain a relationship. I guess I wanted it to be true that badly. Of course, this hasn't worked. Our relationship has been rough for some time now, for what I thought were unrelated reasons. They're not though. It all comes back to the fact that ultimately, I function as her friend, not her husband. I hope that answers it, but if you want me to go into any more detail, I'd be happy to.
Thanks. I needed an insight to your physical connection for clarity. Your words leave no doubt and that should be clear to you. Anxiety is normal, but you are old enough to get past that through rational thought. There are many examples here that you can use to write a letter if you want. Maybe it would be best to put your feeling to paper and break the news to her that way. I will suggest if you do this to man up and be there when she reads it if you can't muster up enough to tell her straight up. Be compassionate to her, but know that you cannot change who you are or continue to live a lie. There are others here who have dealt with your issue. Research their postings or start a thread about what you might say to her and the community will gladly help you. Also the moderators are available to help you get your thoughts together. Just as we see clarity in the words you use, you should move forward with that same clarity of who you are. Fighting it is useless and I am sure you realize that at this point in your life. I wish you luck and understand this is not easy. A great world awaits you once you get this behind you. (*hug*)
Thanks. Well, I'm certainly not going to shirk my responsibilities in telling her. I think I can do it face to face, but maybe I'll write a letter as back-up. I've always been better with writing. It may seem like it, but I don't think I'm trying to put off doing this. I mean I'm not wild about it, but I know it needs to be done, and I owe her that much. Writing about it has made it that much more obvious. It's just that coming out has sort of turned everything upside down, and I want to be in the right frame of mind when I tell her, for her sake even more than mine. Thanks again.
