Long & Complicated: Closet gay guy trying to ditch a girl

Hey! Used to vBulletin and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to join after stumbling upon this place. I really appreciate anyone taking time to read this. I think I could really use some advice.

So, I'm a 20 year old regular kind of guy, except maybe that I like guys. I am "In the closet", though if I was "out" I still wouldn't use the term "gay" - I really hate labels, they only enable discrimination in my opinion. Oh and I'm somewhere in the southern hemisphere, not the most welcoming in that regard. Neither I nor my family are religious.

My later childhood was a hell of a roller-coaster ride due to my parents. My mother is bipolar-borderline-schizophrenic, plus my dad is an alcoholic. The bad combo resulted in times of heavy domestic abuse during the relationship, to a point that they were separated by the justice system for 2 years. This was when I was 13, and my brother only 10 years old. I was attempting the competitive intermediate stage in veterinary science at tertiary education in 2010 and there was an episode of assault a few weeks before my success determining examinations - not the first or the last, but it was significant because I was the one who had to call the police that time. I didn't get into vet. Somehow my parents are still together, I think Mum's on lithium but she's the best she's been since her suicide attempt in early 2011 right before my repeats. I've since changed degree, though now I'm left with wasted debt.

I escaped with a remaining obsession in entertainment over the years; movies, music and largely video games. Coincidentally I gravitated towards (in majority) female pop vocalists, icons such as Madonna, Kylie Minogue and Britney Spears, all too often associated with "gays" alongside negative connotations, though I've always loved the music and I attribute the attraction only to my subconscious. Nature as opposed to nurture, I'm sure, as I never made the connections until relatively recently. This was during high school - an all boys I might add. I still managed to do very well despite the consistent procrastination. My large circle of friends from school are the stereotypical "nerds" - whom I shared interest with in video games more than music - though (and I know it sounds rude) I've always felt a little above them in the social hierarchies. I never quite slotted in anywhere. But I could always blend well with any group, ever since primary school actually. I was a severely tame and quiet teenager.

Anyway, enough with the background. Due to the surrounding emotional turmoil over the years it pains me to know that I have been a recluse - I feel under-evolved; not yet the person I could or possibly want to be. It's also because of this chronic experience that I've never explored my sexuality, and I wonder had things been different if this would've been a given. It's only the last couple of years I've accepted that I am attracted to the same sex. Until 2012, I had never ever been intimate with anybody, and unfortunately my first kiss was with a girl last week. I'm still a virgin. My friends are baffled that I've never had a girlfriend. I've had it mentioned by several people and heard through a few grapevines that I've apparently got a lot going for me - looks, personality, whatever... I've had significant self-confidence and motivational issues for years which I think I've almost completed absolving within myself since sometime last year. In fact, that's since I met a fantastic guy on-line, who I still talk to on a weekly basis. My life has changed so much just with him being there to bounce things off. I started making changes for myself and learning more and more about my character while simultaneously moulding something new out of it, to my current mileu, however - and this is an issue - I've still stayed in the closet, so to speak.

I also didn't start drinking/partying til this year (drinking age here is 18 btw, so your average under-age drinkers and druggies are 15+ ...always avoided that scene). This is largely due to my father's behaviour. While I still love them I don't respect either of my parents. However, the weekly social drinking's eased me up a bit and allowed me to become very close to a particular few friends and of those who have them, their partners. They're the only people who now know about my family's situation and it's current stable stasis. After a consistent string of drunken weekends since January, thankfully without inadvertently coming out, I've ended up in a fairly cultured relationship with my best friend's girlfriend's friend (female). It's like we're a cute little double couple. They want me to think about moving in with them later in the year (I'm still at home just because it's an easy financial situation). To be completely honest I would really really enjoy the experience and am seriously considering it, especially now that my brother's almost 18.

Yet I decided today had to be the day to do something about the girl. I feel awful. I think it's ended, possibly with the friendships of the four of us marginally up in the air. But if I had let it go on any longer it only would've been harder and harder to "break-up" later (I think I actually got in there before there was any status confirmed though). You see the horror stories online of gay guys in denial, to the point that they live decades in eventually miserable heterosexual relationships because of the social pressure. I could never do that. I would run away and start a new life before ruining the little time we have.

There's been flirting and more in the regular drunken escapades with her since March. In that time she's already intermittently slept with a guy from the navy who came out with us to the clubs once. Since then she's been particularly keen on me. Partly I think because my friend's girlfriend also admitted to a crush on me; they've been keen on us to get together. Last week we made out in her bed. I can't say I didn't enjoy the emotional and physical attention. But I didn't FEEL anything. She hinted repeatedly after that I was the best kisser. I rode the ego boost. Not a firm believer in the Zodiac, but I also found this coincidentally hilarious: "Though Capricorns look shy, behind that shy exterior hides the most passionate and sexually active lover who waits to be
discovered".

Events led to a similar thing last night too, to which I was particularly reluctant. More making out happened. This time it was actually at our friends' apartment. The advancement consisted of her putting her hand down my pants. This was a point that was reached where I felt I had to stop and confront things. It freaked me out. I told her we couldn't do anything with our friends through the wall and she agreed to slow down. We just ended up sleeping, besides, I had to leave early for work in the morning.

So this afternoon I asked her via txt what she thought of last night. She said that she felt like she had pushed me into it, and that maybe nothing would've happened had I not been a gentlemen and not rejected her. But she also said that she missed me. This is where I dropped in and explained that I wasn't looking for a relationship with her. While I wasn't expecting much less than a back-fire, it wasn't nice that she turned sightly irate, demanding why I didn't tell her before we mucked around last night. I told her I didn't know, followed by two additional SMSs explaining that I had issues; it was nothing to do with her. That I am less shy when I'm drunk. That I don't want to jeopardise my friendship with my best friend or his girlfriend, if anything were to happen and then unhappen badly. But also that I really appreciated her, as she's the first person I've ever been intimate with.

She did not take this as intended: "I'll try not to hate you for too long, despite the fact you pretty much just told me all i'm good for is drunk makeouts... So I guess i'll just see you when i see you then...". I apologised profusely, re-explained that I did not mean it that way. I asked her to appreciate that I was breaking it off earlier rather than later. I made it clear that I was available to talk to next time in person. She seemed a little better when she replied later, appreciating that I told her. But of course it's not the greatest news. Especially if she's built feelings for me and I haven't at all. However I'm annoyed with her now because straight after that she sent all the txts I wrote to my friend's girlfriend. I found that totally inappropriate. But I shut up, even though I had my best friend and his girlfriend querying me too now. In the end he just offered to talk if I needed to. But I think his girlfriend is really pissed with me, which I'm upset about because she's my friend too.

It seems cruel but I'm indifferent. I feel horrible about treating her like this. But I'm so relieved that it's gone backwards. On the other hand, now I have to confront my friends too. They're not impressed.


*


All the background stuff is severely compartmentalised. It can cause me to be a very stern person sometimes. It's nice to be able to let loose here. Please let me know what you think about my situation! Did I do the right thing today? Did I go about it the right way? I think hurting her would've been inevitable, I'm just glad to have done it sooner and on a smaller scale. Feel free to prod for more juicy info too, this is the briefest of overviews.

I want to come out, eventually, but I'm not a very strong-willed person. The guy I met online, who's 24, thinks this is going to be the best thing to happen but supports that it's my decision to choose when the right time is. The problem isn't alleviated by the fact that I'm extremely comfortable "in the closet". But now I'm starting to hate the guilt pangs from fucking lying all the time. I just felt like this year was going to be awesome ...It has, until now. Now I feel like a selfish dick.

 

Thank you guys for reading and the feedback! It''s given me lots to think about.

I still feel horrible about how I treated her. I haven't heard anything from anybody today. I thought of lots of things I could say but I need to be harsh and just leave it else I'll keep reminding her of me.

I remembered today that I have a friend from high school who is flamboyantly gay. Though, I haven't seen him since high school. We're still Facebook friends. I'm really thinking of asking him if I can come out with him and his friends one night. He still lives close.

But this would require coming out to somebody. And he's still friends with many of my other friends.

:|

I know exactly what you mean about the "image" in your head. I could waste my days fantasising about being straight and how this situation could be different, perfect, even. But I can't conform to it. Unfortunately, you might say at least for this scenario, I'm not straight. I already feel like I'm lying to my friends. Lying to myself would be even worse.

Thank you for showing me the "proud" side. It'll be difficult to let her know that I was looking out for her interests without an explanation though... because indeed I know the truth about it. I really hope everything turns out ok. I can just imagine it turning nasty. Especially with my friend's girlfriend. She's going to think differently of me now

Yes, it is beneficial to hear about others in similar situations! Cheers. Good luck to you all too.

 

Hey all, apologies for the mega bump.


The girl from the OP and I just had our second anniversary.


Crazy? Yep. I'm not 100% sure how what has happened has happened since that post... But as I read it, I realise I feel differently about some things now than I did then. 6 months after that post, the girl and myself got pretty drunk one night and banged. My first ever. There had been about 2 months of pretty tense sexual tension prior to this, because we also ended up flirting at a University ball when we were also - you guessed it - a little tipsy. 2 weeks after that, and after a few more nights of experimentation, we decided to give it a go as boyfriend and girlfriend.

About 2 months into the relationship she straight out asked me if I was gay one night. Looking back, this was my opportunity out... I told her I wasn't. However, from the start I made it clear that I was also interested in guys. WELL, actually, I sort of told about 10 friends including her when we got very drunk together about a month after that initial fling/break-up from the OP. About another month after that, we got drunk together, and she suggested that we make out again later in the evening. However, I vomited from drinking too much (don't worry, I'm not really a drinker at all any more) so we obviously didn't.

Her and her friend had the next day hid the fact from me that she made out with our other friend instead. I found this out a week later, and confronted her about it. I am still totally and utterly confused about why I did this. It was over, and I threw a sort of tantrum about it in a fake drunk text to guilt-trip her. Anyway, after I made her out as the bad guy, we just agreed to be single. That was until the aforementioned sex.

It took us 5 months into the relationship (I don't know whether that's quite a long or quite a short amount of time) for her to tell me that she loved me. My immediate reaction was to say "I know! Of course" which was followed a little later with "I love you too". She wasn't upset about that and said I didn't have to say it yet... I do love her to pieces and care about her immensely. However, to this day neither I nor I suspect my girlfriend really believe I am in love with her. I mean, there have been times where I have felt pretty in love with her, but the fact that I am also into guys is a constant reminder that I'm probably not really. She has always been understanding about my attraction to the same sex.

I thought about breaking up with her for the remaining months of that first year. But we were having a great time, and I could tell I was her entire world. Her family also adores me. I have always been somewhat selfless, but I knew and I still know that there is something inherently wrong with the basis of this relationship. Yet it continued.

This sounds horrible, but there has always been some sort of excuse for letting the relationship go on that I was able to latch onto. At the end of that first year, we had committed to attending her brother's wedding in Mexico. We also planned a trip around it in the U.S. So there we were, travelling the world for a month as what had evolved into - something of a serious couple (that trip was a serious financial commitment for two students!).

It was in Boston that she found the [G word] on my phone, a heavy-hitting reminder that I was still looking for something else. But we worked through it. We had to in the circumstances. A note on the app; I have never actually met anyone on it except one guy who I went for a run with once, but creeped me out. I was mainly just checking out the density of guys on it in other cities. This year, we were to attend our best friends' wedding as maid of honour and best man. That was just in September. So I had left the entire first half of the year to its own devices - which was us two happily stringing along.

I feel like my sexuality fluctuates wildly since starting this relationship. Reading the OP, I remember I felt like I was 95% gay. I am annoyed with it a lot of the time. Although, the more I think about it, the more I know I can be committed to my girlfriend. It doesn't change anything in the relationship because she knew from the start. I am getting more and more inclined to purposefully not label myself if anyone asks me to. I have "come out" to quite a few of my close friends during the last two years, and I have discovered a couple of them are gay or bi themselves. Similarities between a couple of us are astounding and it's really good to have people to talk to, something that I did use the G app for on the days were I felt more inclined to the same sex.

Because of the supposed fluctuation, some days I think my girlfriend notices. She'll ask if everything is ok. To tell her if it's not. There are days I second guess myself, imagine how I'd end up breaking her just to satisfy my curiosity. I still talk regularly enough to the same guy I mentioned in the OP. I would be lying if I said I haven't ever imagined a life with him. But I would never admit that to my girlfriend, because obviously I don't want to hurt her. The next day, I realise I still I love her to pieces... and I don't have any ulterior thoughts for weeks. But there's the few odd days in between where it's hard to continue. I'm only talking about once every couple of months... 95% of the time it's fine. More than fine. I can't think ahead on the bad days though. It's gonna be a (slowly dissolving) subconscious barrier if she ever wants to move in together or something.

So I am pretty upset with myself about the relationship, sometimes. But I am now at a point where I am apathetic about the course of the relationship, and rarely think about ending it any more. And for a lot of reasons I shouldn't. It's a great. She's very happy. The sex is great, awesome in fact (I guess I am more bisexual than I knew) ...but I still do want to eventually "try dick". Unfortunately for me, I know that desire is never going to disappear. Recently, she has been toying with the idea of moving to Europe to further both of our careers. This again is either my way out, because it really isn't not an option for her with a Masters in German, or our relationship is likely to continue for many years and my life will change forever.

Sorry for adding to the long and complicated. Just needed to voice off again. Any thoughts? I know some of you are going to tell me off.

 

Erm, so another year later and we're approaching our third anniversary. I've planned a trip to South Africa for 3 months, during which I'm going to hang out with the pen pal I initially mentioned (although the main purpose of the trip is career based). But at planning, he had a boyfriend. So I was comfortable going to spend time as friends. However, about 3 weeks ago he lets know that they've broken up... I know my girlfriend and I won't last this duration... Especially with such a temptation drawn out over the last four years. We're finally going to meet, I can't believe it! But I can't cheat on my gf. How do I end things before I leave in seven weeks? It'll destroy her. I am pretty awful, I know. And I'm a ruin. Help. /bump