Mother in denial

I've been writing this in my head for weeks now but finally decided that I needed to actually write it.

I am 26 and male. I have known that I have an attraction to other males from when I was at least six years old or probably earlier (my perception of age has become fuzzy so I can't be sure). I remember playing with stuffed animals with my (twin) brother at about that age and coming up with sequences of events which culminated in two (always male) animals getting married and having baby animals. It took me until I was a lot older to realise that this wasn't typical.

Although nearly all my academic and work interests are in fields typically associated with men, quite a few of the things I did, like and have been interested in are things that are normally associated with females. My mother has never been happy with this and, in hindsight, I can see that she has always taken away the things she felt were not "masculine" enough. However, by far the most common disagreements involved my appearance and nearly always started with the length of my hair and ended with her asking me (jokingly) if I wanted to wear earrings too. I always used to think was a bit of an odd thing to be concerned about considering what other people my age were doing but now think I know where the thinking was behind the comments.

For almost as long I have known about my preference for men, I have been quite vocal that I did not, ever, want a girlfriend and that I didn't understand what the fascination people had with girls. For a long time I thought other people were only pretending to be interested in girls because that is what they saw on television. Although I now understand from a scientific perspective what people do, if I am honest, I still don't really understand why. On the other hand, although I've recognised my own attraction to men I have not explicitly said anything or acted on it - always putting it off until I was less busy with other things. Delaying is a strategy I have a tendency to use a lot so that I can focus on what I (after consideration) consider more important (school/university/work/etc). At this point in particular I would prefer to be concentrating on my work but recent events have made me think I have delayed enough.

I moved 15,000 kilometres away (to another continent) from my parents a number of years ago and have been financially self-sufficient for the past few years. I decided at the point when I was no longer dependent on my parents to make a few subtle changes to how I dress that I have always wanted to do. Specifically, I started wearing a necklace, had (both) ears pierced and let my hair grow longer. The changes were subtle enough that nobody where I live has even bothered to comment (although maybe that is out of politeness). Although I have taken to removing my necklace and earrings when I see my parents (once per year plus occasional webcam sessions) to avoid argument, I can't hide my long hair or the holes in my ears (unless my hair is covering them anyway) even if I wanted to (which I don't) so my mother knows and always makes comments about how they make me look ugly. My twin brother, who I live with and also has long hair, laughs off her comments but although I don't care about her aesthetic opinion the thinking that I think is at its origin does bother me. It makes me think that she wants to correct what she sees (stereotypically) as feminine or gay behaviour but it seems odd given that I have never heard her say one negative thing about gays or indeed any of the things she complains to me about when done by somebody else.

Despite all this I really do love my mother and have happily spoken to her nearly every day. Although we have these very specific disagreements she has always been supportive of my work and study even though the hours and locations aren't always ideal (from her perspective anyway, they don't bother me). These disagreements have been quite easy to ignore as she would only bring them up a few times each year but lately it has gone from a once every few months thing, to an every week and now to an everyday thing. Barely a day goes by that I don't hear something about it and I think it is because of my cousins having children and two recent discussions I have had with her.

The first of these relates to her insistence that I need a girlfriend and that it is time I gave her grandchildren. She has always mentioned how much she wants grandchildren but as with my other disagreements, it was only brought up occasionally and was easily laughed off. The 'you need a girlfriend' discussion comes up quite frequently now and I continue to insist that I never want one and that I am not interested. My mother has dropped the "you will when you are older" response in favour of telling me that I don't know what I am talking about because I don't have any experience with women. Although true, I know that I don't need to have "experience" with women to know what I do or do not want. In any case, all my best friends - my brother excepted - are (and have always been) female so my preferences can't be explained by a lack of contact with women (if that was even relevant, which it isn't).

The second discussion centred (again) on my appearance during which I pointed out that her hair was longer than mine to which she responded by saying she was a woman and I couldn't make that comparison. I insisted that that was ridiculous to which she then (louder and almost exasperated) asked if I wanted to be a woman. I hesitated in answering because I have considered the possibility that I am transgender but came to the conclusion that I was perfectly happy with my body - I just am not happy with societal expectations based on it. She then asked again (even louder this time) to which I said "No" and she changed the subject.

My perception is that my mother thinks I am being stubborn because I don't want to change my long standing position on women. I also think that her comments stem not from aesthetic preferences or homophobia but from a fear that I won't follow the path (girlfriend->marriage->children) that she has dreamed up (without my input). I have had previous discussions where she became upset about a decision I had made which had nothing to do with her but which didn't match with whatever she had dreamed of (even though she had never told me before). She is almost too selfless and blames herself whenever I decide to do something differently to how she would have done it (regardless of the outcome). I can only conclude that my mother is in denial that I am gay and that my own reluctance to explicitly tell her as much has allowed her to continue to deny it for years.

I have reached the point where I feel I can no longer constrain myself to allow my mother to live in denial. Every time she denies (implicitly through her behaviour) how I feel like she is denying part of me and although rationally I know I shouldn't take it personally, I do. In addition, although I have never hidden the fact that I have no interest in women I always get dismissive comments from people in response and would like to be able to respond to that by saying that I would prefer a boyfriend but I have been reluctant to do so while my mother doesn't accept it.

The strange thing is that I have no doubts that she'll accept it eventually. The pattern with my mother is fairly predictable whenever I tell her something she doesn't want to hear. First she is always (visibly) upset, then she finds something (or someone) to blame the decision on. After that she goes through a period where she refuses to talk about it and then after that she accepts it (even if she doesn't always like it). Unfortunately, the first and second parts are difficult enough for me that I hate telling her these things and always try to convince somebody else to tell her for me. It seems ridiculous since I don't have this problem with anybody else but I do with her. I don't think there is any way I can outsource this particular task to somebody else and especially not my father who is my normal option even though he also doesn't like telling her things she doesn't want to hear. Although I haven't told me father explicitly, I know he knows and doesn't have a problem with it. He lets me kiss him on the cheek in public which does appear to be fairly unusual. He has also said lots of times that I am old enough to know what I want and that it isn't his place to tell me. That said, knowing how my mother is likely to react I don't think it is fair to him to ask him to tell her (he is going to have to deal with the reaction in any case since they live together).

Anyway, the core question is how exactly do I go about shifting my mother out of the denial stage given how long she has been there? I am going to see my parents in just over a month if that makes any difference.

Thank you for your input.

 

I know that I should tell her explicitly but I have been justifying my reluctance to do so on the basis that I have been telling her for years even though logically I know I haven't really said it. Tip-toeing around the subject is an accurate description of what I have been doing. Telling her face-to-face isn't possible due to the distance and I don't want to do it when I am on holiday because it'll ruin my trip if she cries about it the whole time I am there but I realise I am only making excuses for myself.

I feel silly in some ways since I more or less know what is going to happen and yet I can't bring myself to actually do it despite the fact that people in (from my perspective) more uncertain situations have done it.

I won't speak for him but I would be shocked if he ended up with a girlfriend - he hasn't shown any signs of being interested either.

The grandchildren thing really gets to me because it is the only thing that I see that I am depriving my mother of even though I know it makes no sense since I'm not entirely sure I want children anyway. Even if I choose to at some point, my mother doesn't see adoption as equal (I've discussed it with her before). I am happy the way I am and I think my mother knows this but I know that this issue will come up when I do finally tell her so there isn't really any way to avoid it.