I'm married to a lovely young woman. We've been together for 5 years. I've come to terms with my sexuality, but I don't know how to tell her. It's devastating for anyone, but especially for her. She's bipolar, and has previously attempted suicide, once when she was young, and twice over the course of our relationship. I don't believe her intention was ever to die, but more of a way of asking for help. However, if I hadn't been there, I think she might have died. She is on bipolar medication, btw. (She went off it for awhile, thinking she'd been misdiagnosed, and went absolutely psychotic. It makes a big difference.) We've been living separately for awhile now while we work things out. Of course, things aren't working out. I'm gay. What I'm wondering is, what can I do to try and ensure her safety after I tell her this? Her suicidal gestures have been impulsive, so she could say she's fine one moment, and then go swallow a bottle of sleeping pills the next. She's been really depressed lately, especially at night. She misses me, and wants me to come back home. :icon_sad: She has a few close friends who are supportive of her. They're pretty tolerant as far as I can tell, and I think they would make an exception for me even if they weren't, honestly. I hinted to her best friend that I had something terrible to tell someone, and she just said 'you're like a brother to me'. Should I tell her first, then have her call or visit my wife after we've talked? I think if she was there when I told my wife it would just make things more awkward. I can't rely on her family, because they all hate me. That's not hyperbole either. Her parents blame me for her most recent suicide attempt, and her mother is quite clearly an unmedicated bipolar, so that's fun. :rolle: It really sucks, because her mom would be perfect to talk to about it. She's a lesbian. Ugh, I feel like this is going to be some kind of nightmare for my wife. Two marriages in her family broken up by coming out. Yeesh.
You're obviously a kind and caring person. I think my approach would be to tell the friend first, and perhaps work with the friend to develop a support network for your wife and have that network on alert when you tell her. The thing you need to keep in mind is, once you have done everything reasonable to ensure support for her, it is her responsibility what happens. Likely she will deal with it; she may already have some suspicion deep down, most wives married to gay men do at some level. But if you've done your best, then you can't take the responsibility for her actions. Yes, this will be difficult, but sometimes one of the most challenging things we have to deal with is the idea that life inherently isn't fair sometimes.
Wow, thanks Chip. Well said. The funny thing is, she has actually mentioned once that she had considered that. Also, she thought I was gay the night we met, and was surprised to learn otherwise. (Oh the irony here is killing me. :dry: ) Another thing I've noticed, that I forgot to mention is that I've been picking up little vibes that she might be wanting to move on, although this could be wishful thinking on my part. She's been 'joking' about it, but I wonder if it's her testing the waters. I laugh, but tell her that if she seriously wanted to move on, that's okay. She says she doesn't though. I dunno. Also, she had a guy over there recently. She lives in our apartment and we see each other on the weekends, but I guess during the week she took in a friend of an acquaintance who got evicted and had nowhere to go. She called him on the phone while I was there and lied about it, saying it was her mom, but my BS detector was maxed out. She said she lied because she was worried I'd be mad, but I wonder if she lied for other reasons? :eusa_eh: Anyway, thanks for the understanding Chip. I worry about that, because I want her to know that I am kind, and that I do, and will always care about her, just not necessarily in the way she wants me too.
I'd agree with Chip. Tell the friend. Your wife will need all the help and support she can get from the sounds of it. I'd tell her mom too. If she already hates you, what difference will it make? At least she'll know that this 'bomb shell' is going to drop and she can be there for her daughter. She might surprise you and be more understanding than you expect her to be. Finally, what about her doctor? Can you have a conversation with him/her about this - and what they think the best approach might be? As Chip has said, you can't be responsible for her actions. Even if she is ill. You do what you can for her and do what you need to do for yourself. You're no good to her at all if you're not in a good state of mind. And keeping this secret will eventually wear you down too. Don't bother reading into anything else though (the phone calls to the other guy). It isn't any of your business, and doesn't really help the situation. When I came out to my wife she was devastated of course. But we went to joint counselling and that helped us maintain a good relationship - which was very important as we have two children together. Good luck!
