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Is it weird that I prefer closeted guys?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by PTGriffin, May 21, 2012.

  1. PTGriffin

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    When it comes to dating, I guess I feel like I'd like to find someone who's had a similar background to me and are on the same page. I've been closeted all my life and it hasn't been bad, but it just made meeting guys really difficult. It's not that I'm ashamed of being gay but it's just not a good time to come out so I haven't. There's nothing wrong with guys who are open and happy, and I respect them for that, but it just seems like I'm generally not very attracted to them and would rather meet someone who's like me. Of course, I realize that this makes things a lot harder because how would I know who is out there then right? and vice versa.

    It's hard to explain and I feel weird for feeling the way I do because Idk how to justify it or if it's right, but I just find the idea of closeted guys a lot more attractive. The fact that we're each other's confidant in that way is really cool. Anyone else feel this way?
     
    #1 PTGriffin, May 21, 2012
    Last edited: May 21, 2012
  2. RealityCheck

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    I guess not because you find comfort in the thoughts of that situation. Who knows, I see posts online for people looking for others that are closeted and straight. I have half a mind to walk back in and shut the dang door just so I can find a date around here :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  3. Ianthe

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    Well, I'm out, personally, but I can understand wanting a relationship with someone who's in the same place you are. I definitely prefer that someone I date be out. I mean, I'll date someone who isn't necessarily out to their family or at work, but if we can't be seen as a couple in public, that would be hard for me. If you aren't ready to be out at all, or don't want to be, then I think it makes sense to prefer a partner that won't be wanting to hold your hand in the grocery store, or whatever.

    The problem for you is, eventually, it's likely that one of you will want to be more out than the other one, because people don't always move at the same pace on these things. Just because a guy is closeted for now, it doesn't mean he will be forever.
     
  4. Zontar

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    I think what would be strange is if you were out and preferred closeted gays.
     
  5. phliper12

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    Seems fair enough. I would probably prefer the same since I'm not out really. Granted, I have never actually been in a relationship before so the whole secretive part wouldn't be overbearing to me... at least for awhile.
     
  6. dano22

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    I wouldn't mind dating a guy who is somewhat in the closet depending on the situation. I would not date a guy who is married or dating girl or even hook up with one. Sadly most of the gay guys from the hometown are gone and the only one that is here now is a closeted married guy with kids who wants me to hook up with him all the time. At least he is not harassing me or stalking me in anyway.
     
  7. alTO

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    It's not weird at all. You both would have as much to lose from the situation (i.e. neither person can reveal the other's secret without revealing his own). Also, both people would almost definitely be discreet while in public together to keep their sexualities under wraps.

    So, I think it's the safety of the situation you're attracted to, not the closeted guy per se.
     
  8. insidehappy

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    yes, i totally feel like this. i have also wanted to date someone that is closeted as well. i had that fantasy for a long time. for me it made more sense. since i wasn't "out" i wouldn't have to deal with "out" people that may not understand, appreciate, or respecdt my level of privacy and paranoia about not wanting to have people know. i find that there are many people that are "out" that discriminate against people that are closeted and unfortunately, they hate them for no reason. my personal view is if you are out, more power to you, but dont get pissed off, mad, or frustrated because i am not.

    now here's the problem with trying to date other closeted people......its almost impossible to "find" them. because they are closeted, by definition they seek to hide amongst straight guys so unless you are going to use some sex induced website or app to find them (which i do not recommend for anyone wanting a relationship), then there's really no way to know who is or who isn't gay. even if these guys like you, more often than not, they will not let you know or will not let on that they are gay because you could blow their cover. i find these types to be very passive and they will wait for you to "make a move" and if you do, it is not uncommon for them to "still play straight" after you have put yourself out there. part of their rush is just knowing that you like them and they can decide whether or not they want to let you know they are gay. therefore, dating in this manner sucks.

    what i have come to realize is that at some point, the thought of having a REAL relationshipo with someone and playing all these guessing games at the same time doesn't really match up. Think about it, even if you do meet the love of your life, there's going to be so much energy into keeping it a secret, hiding, making sure noone knows. lying, etc. that's a lot of work. in all my years of trying to find aomeone in teh closet, i can tell you it only left me always guessing, feeling bad, wondering "is he or isn't he gay", and feeling stupid if i was "wrong". going to gay places to meet people hasn't been much better to be quite honest but the one thing i know is "at least i know he is gay".

    i think you should do whatever is right for you right now. and i totally understand where you are at. i personally think that the attractive thing probably for you in terms of dating a closeted guy is that you can still be "straight" to the world and have a secret romance with a masculine guy. it's like having your cake and eating it too (no pun intended). good luck with that path
     
  9. PTGriffin

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    You nailed it.
    Thanks for your whole response and you're right in that while it's really attractive, it's almost impossible to "find" and even if I do get what I want, there is probably a huge layer of inconveniences that I can't see yet because I haven't been in that situation yet. Hopefully everything works out.
     
  10. insidehappy

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    no problem at all. glad to offer my own perspective. yes, i think this would be ideal for me as well at this point. i mean, if someone told me "i like you but i do not want anyone else to know." i would feel like "whew, finally i found someone that understand" versus, "omg, i feel so hurt that he doesn't want to tell our love to the world." but that's just me and that's just me at this point and that's just based on not really ever having a relationshipo with a guy. who knows what would or would not hurt once you fall in love with someone. my advice is look for what may make you happy.

    it's not really hard to find men that are closeted. they will look, stare, and flirt, but sadly this is usually about trying to hookup and have a night of hookup fun with you. finding that same closeted guy that actually wants a relationship and not looking to bang and leave..... well sadly that is like a needle in a haystack. the good guy closeted attractive types are out there but they are soooooo afriad of being wrong or someone thinking they are gay that they usually are a lot harder to "find". best wishes.
     
  11. TheGreyMan

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    Well, I have a similar thing.

    I have no issue with guys that are out of the closet, but I definitely have a preference for guys who are more masculine I guess. More like an average person in terms of personality than the stereotypical gay. I absolutely HATE saying it that way though, because screw stereotyping, but that's the only way I can describe it. Well, I guess I could say I prefer less flamboyance. Yeah, that works.
     
  12. RealityCheck

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    I guess I'm lost here. What is the relation to being closeted or not and flamboyance?
     
  13. Vanc

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    This post seems to imply that closeted guys are more masculine than guys that are out. I don't think this is the case though. There are a few guys that I know who are so flamboyant that I would guess they are gay...but either don't want to admit it or are afraid to come out (even though it is quite obvious). I don't know of many masculine closeted guys (brcsuse theyre masculine...lol) but i definitely have suspicions about some closeted flamboyant guys.
     
  14. TheGreyMan

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    Oh no I didn't mean that.

    I just thought that's what he COULD'VE meant.
     
  15. RealityCheck

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    Maybe I should start a different thread, but I would like to know what the mindset is of wanting to have a relationship with a closeted guy? I understand that it is convenient, but I just want to know what the long term goal is. I'm open with my sexuality to who ever wants to know. I haven't come out to my family though and doubt I will unless I find myself in a relationship that I think will turn into a long term commitment. Even in my own situation, I have trouble thinking about wanting to date someone who is totally comfortable be in the closet forever. I'm mean do you just lie to everyone and be buddies or what? I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I honestly just want to know what is considered a goal of a relationship for someone who wants to stay closeted forever?
     
  16. Aldrick

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    This is a complicated question because it varies so much from person to person. So, I'm just going to write down my own thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

    First, I'm not out to my entire family yet. Once I come out to my dad and sister I'll be out to everyone who matters. I know my sister will be supportive, and the only reason I haven't told her yet is because the moment I do everyone else is going to find out. So that's where I'm at in my life at the moment.

    Second, I've had guys who've wanted to date me and I've refused. I refused because I was in the closet, and didn't feel that I could really commit to someone while being in the closet. The type of life I envision for myself with another man does not include closets - neither my own nor his.

    Third, as a result of my second point I'd be hesitant to date someone deeply in the closet. But really it's a case-by-case situation. If someone is out to all their friends, but not their family AND has the intention to come out to their family at some point then I can probably handle that. If, on the other hand, they're not even out to their friends and have no intention of EVER telling their family... I just don't see the relationship working out.

    Why? Because long term I want to have kids. I also want to be highly active in LGBT issues. This really complicates matters when it comes to dating someone super deep in the closet. I can understand all the reasons, as I'm about to turn thirty and I'm STILL not out to everyone important in my life yet. So I get it, I understand...

    So, I guess in the end it depends on what type of future you're looking at and the type of relationship you want. Are you looking for a guy who you occasionally meet up and have sex with? Are you planning to move in with your secret boyfriend and pretend to be his "roommate"? What type of future do you see yourselves having together? How are you going to handle pressure from your family to go out on dates? How are you going to handle your parents desire for grandchildren (if they are like most parents I know)?

    Being in the closet is hugely complicated. Relationships strain under normal pressure, and it's very hard for me to imagine a relationship in which two individuals intend to remain permanently closeted work through all the issues. Also, what happens when one person wants to come out of the closet and the other doesn't?

    Such a headache. It just wasn't something for me. Life is complicated enough already without adding additional complexity.
     
  17. RealityCheck

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    This exactly. Maybe people think of the word relationship differently than we do. I just don't understand people that say the are comfortable in the closet and are ok with staying there and at the same time claim that they want to have a relationship with someone. It's like trying to put the square block through the round hole.
     
  18. PTGriffin

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    I suppose I'm just one of those complicated weird cases of people who really have no idea what I'm gonna do or have any sort of plans to come out. Do people really "plan" those things? I feel as if it's something that you do when the time is right, and who knows when the time will be right?

    Anyways, I do agree that not all guys who are out are flamboyant and not all closeted guys are masculine. I know examples of people who fit just the opposite of those two things so it's really a case by case thing. But in my experience and just based on personal belief, I tend to find many out guys to be somewhat too open. The guys who hit the gay bars with their friends or those in LGBT groups on college campuses advocating rights. There's nothing wrong with that of course and those people don't represent every out guy, but it's just hard to shake the "out = too out" impression I have in my head. Closeted guys seem more reserved and they don't necessarily have to be ashamed of themselves or deathly afraid of being outed. Take me for examples. I'm closeted but I don't make it a point to act "straight" or be anything other than myself and it just so happens that I don't get questioned. I'm not one of those guys to go to gay bars and I'm not politically active enough to stand on the street and petition for gay rights. Anyways, this is all generalization and I know everyone is different.

    Another part of the appeal to me in dating another closet guy is due to the fact that I've had one boyfriend in the past and he was open and slightly "louder" than ideal and it just didn't work too well. He was a great guy, but had no respect for my preferences and just didn't understand how important it was for me to do this at my pace. His playful attempts to pull me out of the closet were not subtle and at times they really annoyed me because it just wasn't cool. We broke it off for different reasons but thinking back to it, I was walking on eggshells the entire relationship.

    I'm not sure what future plans are for me. Most people date and go through their normal stages of relationship development and learning in a way I haven't so I'm taking it slow and thinking like a responsibility-free teenager. I'm 23 and dorky enough to still think about secret crushes and stolen kisses in between classes, so to speak. I guess a large part of me is still in lala land about just finding a guy who I can have a great time with and not have to think about real life. I don't think I'm capable of planning things out long term or even thinking about things like moving in, having kids, or anything close to that until I've had my share of some learning experiences and just playful love, if that makes any sense. I don't feel I got that from my 1 failed relationship. I'm not closeted because I'm ashamed or afraid, it's just that I don't feel good about it right now. I'd just like to find a guy who understand that and is with me on the same page.
     
    #18 PTGriffin, May 23, 2012
    Last edited: May 23, 2012
  19. Aldrick

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    I understand that completely, and this is exactly why I've never dated. I didn't want to be in a position in which I'd feel pressured to come out. I just wasn't ready, and I knew it.

    I believe everyone has to come out at their own pace, because coming out is really about being comfortable with yourself. It's very hard to get over the hang-up regarding how OTHER people perceive you, even if you're completely alright with being gay yourself.

    You don't want to be "that guy". You don't want to be stereotyped, or discriminated against, and you don't want people to make assumptions about you that aren't true.

    Getting over all of that means becoming very comfortable within your own skin. It means facing down your own Imperfections, and being willing to live your life openly and authentically - opening yourself up to being judged by others.

    That's not an easy thing.

    There is nothing wrong with any of that. I mean, hell - you're 23 years old! You have the right to just live your life free of obligation. I sure as hell didn't know what I wanted at 23 years old. Hell, I don't even consider most people an "adult" until they hit 25. :lol:

    But you're wrong in the sense of not knowing what you want. You know exactly what you want, because you just wrote it down. You're not looking to meet "the one" (though if you do that's awesome - that's not the plan). You're not looking to settle down, to have kids, or any of that. You're just looking to have some fun with a guy whose company you enjoy. You want to take things slow, maybe fall in love in the process, but if not that's okay too. You just want to have fun, and not really have a whole lot of obligation and attachment with the relationship.

    There is nothing wrong with that. I'm not saying any of that is bad, although you don't necessarily need to date a closeted guy for that. A guy who is out of the closet, looking for the same thing, works equally well. I understand your reasons though, considering your last experience. It's perfectly understandable.

    So, my advice? Live your life. Have fun. There is no one holding a gun to your head saying you have to make huge life changing decisions.

    The difference between you and me is that we're at different points in our life. I know what I want, and I know where I'm going. I'm also seven years older than you, so I've had much more time to figure things out. Who knows how you'll feel in seven years?

    So, go have fun. Don't make your life complicated. Just make sure as you find guys to date that you're upfront about what you want out of the relationship. If things start off well, and then things start to go in a direction that you don't want... well then you have to make some difficult decisions. But that shouldn't stop you from going out there and taking what you want from life.
     
  20. TheGreyMan

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    I apologize about my previous comment though. Literally am hitting myself in the head for saying that. Why on earth would closet status have anything to do with a person except maybe you might be more confident if you were out? I've never thought that -_-

    Anyways, in regards to your situation, maybe you like those you can relate to in that fashion?