I really want out - completely out - of the closet. I want to tell my mother, and my grandmother, and if sh*t hits the fan, then whatever. I'm just tired of hiding and tired of the people in my life not knowing what is going on with me. So I dropped by my mom's to visit last night, was going to tell her then but I didn't. we just sat for a few minutes and then I left, was too scared to say it. and the other night, I went to an open mic to sing, I normally do four or five songs and I had specifically planned to sing three that kind of go together into what I'm calling my "coming out" tracks for my next CD.... but I totally chickened out in a way that I have never chickened out, as an artist, before. I mean, the people who had said they'd come to support me weren't able to be there after all, so none of the people that I know from PFLAG or anything, and the only people who did come were from a Toastmasters group and were kind of religious, so I was singing for a bunch of people I don't know a few friends that I don't know what they think about homosexuality... and I sang one of my coming out songs, and just omitted the verse that goes "but why must I hide, can't I be honest with the world / tell me what is so bad about a girl who loves girls" and left it as a song that is vaguely about locking your true self inside and what is different not being better or worse... so that, plus at school when I shied away from telling someone who my favourite musical group is because it's an "obviously lesbian group", equals THREE times in the past week that I have gone out of my way to hide my orientation, or sabotaged my own efforts to come out of the closet. I guess I don't know if I can really do it. I already have one friend e-mailing me about how she thinks I'll go to hell and constantly e-mailing me to ask if I've changed my mind because she doesn't want to lose my soul eternally and she loves me and wants me to go to heaven and she thinks I should fight my sexuality... and I want to go back in the closet with her, it'll just be easier than hurting her, I honestly worry about her sanity sometimes.. but it would hurt so much and I feel so defeated right now. so I don't know what I want except for someone to maybe understand and listen? honestly every time I think about the last point - the conversation and my friendship with this woman - I want to cut so badly, I don't know how else to cope. I feel like I'll never really manage to stop anyway, so why not? I never seem to get past the two month barrier, I always give in eventually, so why not go crazy now? I've been doing so well with school, but I'm terrified I'll fail and I'm stressed out. and I'm supposed to give a talk on Sunday to the UU Fellowship in town, about leaving Courage, and I was supposed to be OUT by now but I'm such a coward that I am still at least half-closeted and I HATE IT.
First, congratulations on deciding to come fully out of the closet. I do not think you are a coward at all, you just need some people supporting you when you come out to different people. Your main goal at the moment is to come completely out of the closet, and to achieve any goal, you need to get rid of any distractions and obstacles that stand in your way. Your friend who keeps saying that you are going to hell is standing in your way and she doesn't understand what you're going through. You need to tell her that this is who you are, and if she can't accept the fact that you can't change it, you shouldn't be friends anymore. Sorry to say that. I know I haven't come out to my parents yet, but if you have trouble telling your mom in person that you are a lesbian, then you should send her a letter, or leave a phone message, or text her. Then, you can talk to her about it in person. I also like your idea of singing your "coming out" songs. Very creative. I hope everything works out all right for you. And good luck with your talk on Sunday.
Woah there. Don't beat yourself up. (*hug*) Don't get so hung up on missing a couple opportunities! Guaranteed if you ask anyone here they'll vouch for missing more than their fair share of opportunities, and feeling just like you are now... really, it's not a big deal! At the end of the day, what happens if you didn't tell these people today? What happens if the room full of strangers didn't know? What happens if you aren't "out" like you wanted to be before your talk? Well, the world isn't going to end now is it? I don't know your whole backstory, but from the bit I've gathered lurking here and there it sounds like you've been through a ton... more than a lot of us can say. And from my point of view, even though it sounds like you've gone through a lot, what's more important is it seems like you've come miles and miles from where you are. Not only that, but in such a short time too! You clearly have a brilliant head on your shoulders. You know what to do not only for your own well being, but for those around you too. It's evident that you care deeply for your friends and family, no matter what viewpoint they come from. I'm sure no matter what you choose to do - or when you choose to do it - you're going to make the right decision... for you. And that's what's most important, isn't it? The saying is true - we really are our own worst critics. So stop being so hard on yourself, you're doing more than fine
Honestly, it sounds like you are putting a LOT of pressure on yourself. I totally understand what you mean about wanting to come all the way out. Sometimes I just want to scream it at random strangers! Lol. But seriously though, I really think you would feel better if you let it come naturally instead of putting yourself in situations that you are obviously not ready for. Just because you aren't ready to sing your songs publicly does NOT mean that you don't have courage. You sound like a very courageous girl, but in my opinion, that would be a lot for anyone to handle. Talking to your mom about it is a big deal, so if you are also trying to come out publicly, and dealing with an unsupportive friend at the same time... I'm thinking...wow, that's a lot. You are not a coward. Don't be so hard on yourself.(*hug*)
I think you should break it up into smalle more managable pieces. Try to split the people you aren't out to into groups and make goals for each group one at a time. Trying to come out to everyone at once is too big of a task, and you are bound to be overwhelmed. Just subdivide it into reasonable steps so you aren't focusing on too much. As for your friend who emails you about going to hell, if she can't accept you than you shouldn't be friends with her. Just because she does it out of kindness and not malevolence doesn't make it any better for you. It's still a negative influence. But I don't know the whole situation so I could be wrong on that last point.
I agree that you shouldn't beat yourself up over this. You'll come out when you're ready - so the fact that you haven't yet means you weren't ready. I'm opposed to 'BIG' coming outs. Like in your stage performance. I think that puts WAY too much pressure on you. You don't need to make a spectacle of yourself over this. Just be you. When you're out and comfortable with being out, THEN you can sing all of those songs where the lyrics really fit your situation - and you'll feel good about singing them. I'd tell your religious friend (politely) to keep those opinions to herself. Because I firmly believe that God didn't put me here and make me gay so that I could rot in hell for eternity. I don't think God rolls that way. I think there are people here on earth that still don't quite get what God's word really means, so they're interpretting it wrong. You're OK and I'm OK in God's eyes. It doesn't really matter if your friend gets that, as long as you and I get that. As for your mom, maybe you'll need to be a little more deliberate than just 'stopping in' some time. Maybe you'll need to tell her that you have something you want to talk about. And then you'll HAVE TO talk about it. You'll have set the stage. And when you tell her that you're gay she'll be relieved that you don't have cancer or that you're not pregnant, and all will be good. And with the cutting, you WILL get to a point where you don't do it any more. It isn't inevitable, so don't look at it that way. Maybe NOW is the time when you've finally stopped for good - so why mess that up? You're doing better at school BECAUSE you're not cutting and BECAUSE you've got your stuff together. Keep it up! We're all rooting for you!
I never considered it as too much pressure... I just want to be OUT already, and I'm not extremely patient with myself when it comes to achieving goals. As a musician and artist, everything else has come up in my music - I have sung about cutting, about suicide, about depression, and a host of other difficult to broach subjects -and I never hesitated to sing those songs openly and honestly, they all came from where I was at and what I was feeling when I wrote them... so it seemed like, if I'm out, it should be no big deal to sing my own songs about it. I'm writing them like other people breath air, so to play one or two in the middle of a set... I feel like I should be able to, no hesitating, but I just can't. I guess I'm still working on overcoming my own shame over being a lesbian. :/ My presentation is tomorrow! I know the Unitarians will be supportive of me, and I am looking forward to sharing my story (finally) and being able to speak about my experience, but I am also extremely nervous. I have 12 cue cards and twenty minutes in which to speak, so hopefully I can pare stuff down or be flexible enough to leave out redundant points if time doesn't allow them... I am nervous, excited, and anticipating the moment with every fiber of my being... I know I can do this. And I need to. I want to see a bill in Canada similar to the one in California right now, I want to push for ex-gay communities to be prevented from making false promises to vulnerable youth, I want them to be forced to be upfront about their actual "success" rates, and I want to protect as many young people as possible from prolonging the shame, self-hate and pain like I did. At the very least, I want what I went through to be translated into something good for someone else, if at all possible. ---------- Post added 26th May 2012 at 06:43 PM ---------- I've also just started into the PSW course and have a weekly major test between now and June 20, a little overwhelmed at how busy school is, so my apologies but I will probably continue to comment infrequently and respond more slowly, simply because I have no time to think about much else aside from psychology, anatomy and physiology, clinical coursework, medical terminology, assignments and tests... haha school all by itself would be enough stress, but then I'm preparing for a voice recital, completing 3 more advanced speeches so I can get my next Toastmasters designation, working on a book of sonnets and trying to reformat the book for my CD... and trying to find money and a place to record my second CD, since I'm ready to now... and feeling guilty every week that I don't see my little sisters and my mother. :/ at least being so busy, makes it more difficult to have time to get depressed or to self-injure. and soon I will have a million things to feel great about, as I slowly check off these goals
