With the total, conscious (not including the denial stage) questioning period nearing ten months, i suppose i'm getting more restless...if thats even possible, i dont know anymore. Suffice it to say i'm still clueless and, so, if you kind, amazing people don't mind, i would like your input. thanks ahead of time! Sincerely. Now here's my situation: I've been attracted to girls since fourth grade. At least, thats my earliest memory of liking women. I used to innocently stare at these older girls at recess and think how beautiful they looked ;P i was quite the little perv. Anywho, I believe i am physically, emotionally, and mentally attracted to women. Most of my sexual and romantic fantasies are about women, when i imagine my future it is with a woman, and i think i could easily fall in love with a woman. In short, they are simply beautiful creatures. I mean, just thinking of the word 'wife' makes me feel happy. Before i started questioning, my sex/love life was in a bit of a freeze. I never looked at a guy at school, ect and genuinlly thought he was hot (i have, however, with some celebrities, but i'm not sure how genuine it was. I may have been trying to convince myself that i was straight). I did not desire a relationship with a man and never had crushes on them. I made ridiculous excuses as to why i didn't feel any draw towards them, such as 'oh, I have a good relationship with my father so i don't need men as much' or 'i'm just too focused on school to have crushes' It was ridculous and all the while, in the back of my mind, i wondered just why I felt dread when thinking about men and why I had hastily surpressed desires towards women. I probably should mention that, since the beginning of my "self-exploration", i had fantasies about heterosexual couples from scenes stolen from books. I think i mostly focused on the women, but the man didn't gross me out completely either. For the past couple of years, my fantasies have been almost exclusivley me with other women, whereas i watched my book-fantasies from a distance (much like a porn video, if that makes sense). However, today, thinking about a guy as my husband makes me tense and unconfortable and, honestly, a little scared. BUT, its never that simple with me... in my quest to figure myself out i have made myself have sexual fantasies about men and have gotten aroused and reached orgasm. When i imagine it as a real event, it freaks me out.. it bothers me to think of being that intimate with a man. I don't feel quite comfortable with that as if i dont feel safe or something. Most guys i could not see myself dating, but some (okay, so they're mostly fictional characters) i could see falling in love with. Would I be physically happy with them? I'm not sure. But more sensitive figures... for example... Jin from House of Flying Daggers. I know he's a very handsome man, but what strikes me the most is those eyes.. they're so sensitive and expressive. beautiful, really. It makes me want to hug him and never let him go, but i'm not sure if I find him attractive in that way. Is it just adoration for his character in the movie? It seems mostly emotional to me... but at the same time, I have gotten aroused from fantasies with men. In life, i have only had one crush on a guy and it was purley emotional. Wow, that was longer than i had intended.. thanks you for reading if your made it this far! So, what is your input, what do you think? It seems very unclear to me and i hope i got my feelings across. Thank you!
So... are you bisexual, with a strong preference for women? Or lesbian, but not completely turned off by men? Or lesbian, with a shade of denial that makes you force yourself to fantasize about men? I don't know, and I honestly don't know that it matters what you call it. Words are useful, of course, but the precise combination of labels that best describes you might be elusive and not worth the effort. If I were you, I'd go with "mostly lesbian" but be prepared to change your label if you feel that you need to.
Yeah I agree, I don't think it matters so much what you call it. If the word "wife" makes you feel happy, that's a pretty darn good indicator that you're attracted to women. It is totally possible to be lesbian, and still think men are attractive. I am attracted to lots of movie characters, Tristan Ludlow, from Legends of the Fall, for example. I love Johnny Depp, in just about every movie that I've seen him in... But in my real life, I need my woman. :icon_bigg
Hey I agree that it doesnt really matter, but I would say you were a lot like me, and I label myself as gay or lesbian. I dont find men unattractive or repulsive but I dont have the same draw to them that I do to women. I can kind of imagine myself with a man, but it just doesnt seem right. When I was first coming out, it was a huge worry of mine that I would come out as gay and then be wrong and fall for a guy, but I got to the point where my urge to come out overtook my fear. The truth of the matter is if you come out as gay and fall in love with a guy, sure for a while it might take a bit of explaining but people will accept it and in time it will be forgotten. If you can never remember a time where you were drawn to guys or fell for a guy then it sure sounds like its women for you so go for it.
I'd add that there's not really an urgent need to figure this out yet either. You're 16 - and therefore years away from making some kind of lifetime commitment to someone. So go with the flow and do what feels right.
